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September 7, 2020 7:14 am  #1

What about consequences?

I just wonder what consequences must be in place when your husband tells you they are bi after 12 years of marriage and kids. Somehow I feel that this kind of betrayal must be punished. They must be held responsible but they aren't. In a sense that the other person always knew what they were and I didn't. I wouldn't chose this, I wouldn't chose him if I've known. How can a person go around playing with my life? He broke me. I am a hot mess because I have lived for 12 years with a person who is not what they said they are. I cannot think straight. And now I must divorce and make my kids fatherless. If it would be just me, I would be long gone. Trauma from such betrayal is beyond my ability to understand and I am a very strong woman. Why does anybody choose at my expense to sort their life? He always knew what he is. Porn vids with travesties I've accidentally spotted 10 years ago. I thought it was a porn spam. I thought who would watch this at my house. No disrespect. But I was married. I'm straight, he is straight so I thought. Not even a thought in my head. And here I'm 10 years later absolutely broken... Why would people do this? 


September 7, 2020 7:41 am  #2

Re: What about consequences?


Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 5:22 pm)


September 7, 2020 10:40 am  #3

Re: What about consequences?

Hi Jane,

I feel your pain, but it doesn’t have to be all terrible. My husband came out to me as bi after 27 years together. Honestly I’ve ALWAYS suspected he wasn’t quite straight and we I asked him about over the course of our entire relationship he denied it. My husband was also molested by a older male when he was in 2nd grade. I think this really clouded his thoughts and he felt for many years that his attraction was as a result of the molestation and he thinks it could still be. Anyway, we are a far stronger couple now that we were for at least 2 or 3 years before he told me. He says he has not cheated and I do believe him. We will remain monogamous as that is what we know works for us as a couple. We have 4 children (one young adult and three minor children). I don’t think he thought his past experience would ever be an issue in our marriage and he was ashamed of what happened to him as a child. Early on after his disclosure after my questioning, we did discuss divorce, but we both decided it wasn’t the right decision for us. 

I wish you all the best, 


Last edited by TangledOil (September 7, 2020 11:38 am)


September 7, 2020 11:33 am  #4

Re: What about consequences?

   The first consequence is that he has broken your trust in him.  Only you can tell whether having lost trust in him you can continue to live with him.  The second consequence is that you, rightfully, righteously, feel betrayed and angry that for years he lied to you, deceived you, and used you.  

   You are the one who will decide what you can and will tolerate, and you must then act on your decision.  If what he has done is intolerable to you, and you feel that your marriage was and is a lie, then the consequence--the "punishment," as you put it--is that you end the marriage. It sounds as if you have decided you "must divorce" him.  It might help you as you move forward with divorce to re-frame the idea that you are making your children "fatherless";  I have heard the phrase "you don't stay for the kids; you leave for the kids," and it's also useful to remember that what you are doing is removing your children from a household full of lies and secrets in order to give them a household characterized by honesty and openness.  
   I suggest that you find a counselor/therapist who can help you sort out your feelings, confide in a good friend or family member you trust, and go visit a family lawyer, who can give you an idea of what you are facing with divorce. 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (September 8, 2020 8:15 am)


September 7, 2020 12:24 pm  #5

Re: What about consequences?

Thank you so much for response and support. There was also cheating involved together with the revelation of his sexual orientation. It was a double gun. He said he cheated and that he thinks he might be bi. Past several months now and based on all evidence I gathered (saved contracts of prostitute travesties on his phone, his porn addiction preferences), I feel that cheating was not with women. He denied everything, of course. Given this massive amount of horror he caused, he was given a chance. I honestly think I am still in shock and disbelief, I just can't explain why would anyone give him a chance. But in my defence, a person he was and a person I discovered he is are two different people. We were the fairytale couple with a gorgeous story. I must still be in disbelief. I do realise that I will taking my kids out of the place full of lies but for them it was never this place. It was a great good place full of love and care. But I hear you. I just feel shocked. I can't overcome it. It is like a bad dream. 

     Thread Starter

September 7, 2020 2:35 pm  #6

Re: What about consequences?

Hi Jane,

I think the thing that helped me find my feet a bit was recognising this is not unusual it is common.  And overwhelmingly the story is they do not feel the prick of conscience.  So I view it like sharks, they are going to bite you and not feel guilty only feel the pleasure of eating.

The person they want to fool the most is the one they want to marry.  Sometimes they find they have been fooled in return - they are both gay in denial.  That happened to my ex, all I knew of his dating past was he had been with a girl for three years and she left him but eventually when the real picture emerged, she was gay in denial too, had gone on to marry a straight - and my ex had already been sleeping with men before he met me.  His courtship of me was a deliberate act of deception.  It is cruel.

I had no idea of the nature of the person I had been married to for so long.  I ended up feeling like I had been interacting my entire married life with a sock puppet - talk to the hand and never see the real person standing in the shadows.

so it is both.  Your children have been living in the good place full of love and care that you give them and they have lived with the hidden cheat and deceit too, it is real too.

Do everything you can to look after yourself.

wishing you all the best, Lily


September 8, 2020 6:05 am  #7

Re: What about consequences?

They must be feeling entitled. Or I just don't get it. Such info must be shared at the initial stage of dating. Hey, I'm bi. This is who I am. And then from early start, a partner makes a choice if they can deal or not. Someone wrote on this forum I read "should I be worried about women and men now". It is madness. You do not deliver a bi-bomb after 12 years. What it has to do with anything now? You are a part of family with your responsibilities. If you deliver the bi-bomb after kids/many years in my understanding, you were not fine, you have been bothered, not everything was good for you in this marriage. Then back to start. They cannot "find" themselves at our cost.  I refuse to think they feel entitled. It's mad. They have been "boiling" in this all their life. Why do I need to?

I do come to realise it is much more common then I ever thought or imagined. But it just doesn't make it better. Then on a broader picture, we must be protected. I refuse to be a victim of unknowing. I swear I feel we must be protected against such cases by law. I'm not kidding. I have a voice. No one asked my opinion.

     Thread Starter

September 8, 2020 8:28 am  #8

Re: What about consequences?


    It's so common after the initial shock, when we are trying to incorporate this new information about our partners, to find ourselves thinking they are two people, the "one we knew" and the "one we didn't know."  I felt that, too.  It was "the person I knew" that I stayed for.  But then, with the knowledge I now had about "the person I hadn't known," I watched my now-ex's behavior and thought back through our 30+ years of marriage, and my idea of him as "the person I knew" eventually changed to "the person I thought I knew." 

  Eventually, after three years in his closet, seeing how he crafted his public persona and used it to his advantage, and had used it to my disadvantage, by denying me the information I needed to make informed decisions about my life, denying me my freedom of choice, my idea of him changed again, and those two earlier ideas I had of him, as "the man I knew" and "the man I thought I knew," became "the hologram" he projected so people wouldn't know or suspect the real person he was (and that he told me he was).  

  If you don't know about Chumplady.com, which is a website about "leaving a cheater" and "gaining a life," I would recommend you visit.  


September 8, 2020 12:58 pm  #9

Re: What about consequences?


Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 5:21 pm)


September 8, 2020 4:32 pm  #10

Re: What about consequences?

I do think the straight spouse who finds him/herself entangled in this mess should be able to have the marriage annulled (if that's what they desire)....and be exempt from paying spousal support, of course.

I also think the "straight spouse" needs to heard...and our stories need to become more mainstream...If for any other reason than to give a voice to the collateral damage (so many of us) of homophobia and the harmful beliefs that perpetuate the closet & the deceit. That is not to excuse our partners for deceiving us...[It's cruel...and there is no excuse for that], but I long for the day when everyone is able to live & love freely...and accept themselves....so one day there will be less and less of us. God, I hope so much for that...My heart aches every time I see "new registered users" here.


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