Last edited by Lynne (October 3, 2020 5:22 pm)

   The first consequence is that he has broken your trust in him.  Only you can tell whether having lost trust in him you can continue to live with him.  The second consequence is that you, rightfully, righteously, feel betrayed and angry that for years he lied to you, deceived you, and used you.  

   You are the one who will decide what you can and will tolerate, and you must then act on your decision.  If what he has done is intolerable to you, and you feel that your marriage was and is a lie, then the consequence--the "punishment," as you put it--is that you end the marriage. It sounds as if you have decided you "must divorce" him.  It might help you as you move forward with divorce to re-frame the idea that you are making your children "fatherless";  I have heard the phrase "you don't stay for the kids; you leave for the kids," and it's also useful to remember that what you are doing is removing your children from a household full of lies and secrets in order to give them a household characterized by honesty and openness.  
   I suggest that you find a counselor/therapist who can help you sort out your feelings, confide in a good friend or family member you trust, and go visit a family lawyer, who can give you an idea of what you are facing with divorce. 
  
 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (September 8, 2020 8:15 am)

Hi Jane,

I think the thing that helped me find my feet a bit was recognising this is not unusual it is common.  And overwhelmingly the story is they do not feel the prick of conscience.  So I view it like sharks, they are going to bite you and not feel guilty only feel the pleasure of eating.

The person they want to fool the most is the one they want to marry.  Sometimes they find they have been fooled in return - they are both gay in denial.  That happened to my ex, all I knew of his dating past was he had been with a girl for three years and she left him but eventually when the real picture emerged, she was gay in denial too, had gone on to marry a straight - and my ex had already been sleeping with men before he met me.  His courtship of me was a deliberate act of deception.  It is cruel.

I had no idea of the nature of the person I had been married to for so long.  I ended up feeling like I had been interacting my entire married life with a sock puppet - talk to the hand and never see the real person standing in the shadows.

so it is both.  Your children have been living in the good place full of love and care that you give them and they have lived with the hidden cheat and deceit too, it is real too.

Do everything you can to look after yourself.

wishing you all the best, Lily

JaneWonders,

    It's so common after the initial shock, when we are trying to incorporate this new information about our partners, to find ourselves thinking they are two people, the "one we knew" and the "one we didn't know."  I felt that, too.  It was "the person I knew" that I stayed for.  But then, with the knowledge I now had about "the person I hadn't known," I watched my now-ex's behavior and thought back through our 30+ years of marriage, and my idea of him as "the person I knew" eventually changed to "the person I thought I knew." 

  Eventually, after three years in his closet, seeing how he crafted his public persona and used it to his advantage, and had used it to my disadvantage, by denying me the information I needed to make informed decisions about my life, denying me my freedom of choice, my idea of him changed again, and those two earlier ideas I had of him, as "the man I knew" and "the man I thought I knew," became "the hologram" he projected so people wouldn't know or suspect the real person he was (and that he told me he was).  

  If you don't know about Chumplady.com, which is a website about "leaving a cheater" and "gaining a life," I would recommend you visit.  

I do think the straight spouse who finds him/herself entangled in this mess should be able to have the marriage annulled (if that's what they desire)....and be exempt from paying spousal support, of course.

I also think the "straight spouse" needs to heard...and our stories need to become more mainstream...If for any other reason than to give a voice to the collateral damage (so many of us) of homophobia and the harmful beliefs that perpetuate the closet & the deceit. That is not to excuse our partners for deceiving us...[It's cruel...and there is no excuse for that], but I long for the day when everyone is able to live & love freely...and accept themselves....so one day there will be less and less of us. God, I hope so much for that...My heart aches every time I see "new registered users" here.