There was a group on Facebook that had a lot of women who remained in their marriage after their spouse announced they were transitioning. Most of them have moved to open marriages. Others have just accepted more of a roommates type of marriage. A few are still active but the women in that group met their spouse after transition and have always identified as a lesbian or they have always identified as bi. I don't remember the name of the group. I left it when I divorced my trans spouse because it no longer applied to me.

So, you googled and everything you found is about how to please your transitioning spouse. Well, and I am going to be blunt here, get used to that. EVERYTHING becomes about your spouse and their transition. All of the support is about how to best support your spouse. There are a few places like this that focus on the non-transitioning spouse, but theses places are generally looked down on in those groups because we advocate focusing on YOU and your need and tell you crazy things like your needs and desires are just as important as his.

But... how will your sex life change? I will be fairly straight forward, so scroll past if you don't want to read about any of that...
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Your sex life will continue to change depending on how far your spouse goes in this transition. The hormones will eventually make it difficult, if not impossible, for him to get an erection, so if you like penetration, then y'all will probably need to use a strap on or some other toys. He will probably want you to kiss, etc, his developing breasts. Many women reported taking on the "male" role after their spouse surgically transitioned because their spouse wanted to experience penetration. I know you say you don't want to know about lesbian sex, but, truthfully, that is where you are heading. 

You have a difficult road ahead of you and you need to look within yourself and truly figure out what you want and need and what you can live with. I wish you w

Anon2222 wrote:

Like....I never had crushes growing up. I was never attracted to celebrities, or whatever out there. I have to connect with a person before I would consider sleeping with them. I cannot do a one night stand, or FWB, or anything else of the sort. I want long term, monogamous relationships. And I won't sleep with anyone before a long term commitment is made.

So....then I was trying to figure this out, like, am I suddenly demi-sexual? And what the hell does that mean, and why is there a term for it? Like....can't you just say to someone you're not interested in sex until you build a connection? Like, I put in my dating thing that I don't do one night stands and I'm not jumping into bed with anyone. Do I now have to "identify" myself???

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You wouldn't suddenly be demi-sexual. You would just have a term to describe how you have always been. 

I would say that I am demi-sexual. I remember once that a group of co-workers were talking about this popular celebrity at the time and they were all saying how they wouldn't kick him out of their bed. I was quiet during all of this, so they asked if I thought he was attractive. I said he was but I couldn't say that I'd sleep with him. After all, I knew nothing about him. They all laughed and said what did I need to know about him other than he was hot. when I said yes but he may be a jerk, they laughed again. Th.at was when I realized that not everyone needed an emotional connection. I found it odd that people could be physically attracted to someone without knowing them. Again, I'm not talking morals or anything like that. I am talking about having genuine physical desire

For me, I can find someone attractive and not want to sleep with him. I am not showing restraint or anything like that. I truly have zero desire and feel no physical attraction toward another person. The physical desire creeps in only after a strong emotional bond has been developed. Likewise, when the bond begins, to wain (like when I

So, I loved OOHC's comment about house sitting. There are house-sitting gig apps you can download and apply for. You may be able to find something in your area. Even if it is just for a week or so here and there. Anything to get you out of the house would help. I would think healing would be very hard while still living together.

Hoppe, you are not trapped AND you have no reason whatsoever to feel any shame. The only thing you are "guilty" of is loving and trusting your husband. His actions are NOT a reflection on you. There is no fault or shortcoming in YOU that drove your husband to act as he does. Please, please, please know this.

I, too, lost myself. I gave up the hopes and dreams I had for myself in order to adopt those of my (then) husband. As the years went on, I worked to help my children with their dreams and ambitions as well as take care of things at home so my husband could thrive and succeed at his career. Even though I was left unfulfilled, I told myself it was okay because it was just for a season, and I thought we were both working towards a future and retirement we could both enjoy. 

Divorcing my spouse has meant moving to a smaller place, going back to work, eating out less, etc. It also meant that I was faced with the reality of just how much I had given of myself to him and his goals and the knowledge that I had become a shell of the person I used to be. However, I have clawed my way back to me. It is a slow and extremely hard process at times, but I am happy. I am rediscovering some old passions and taking time to explore things that interest me - things I had pushed to the side to concentrate on his goals. I am regaining my health and for the first time in over 25 years, I am making myself a priority in my own life -- AND I'M NOT APOLOGIZING FOR DOING SO.

No Hoppe, you are not trapped. Getting out of a cage (even a self-imposed one) is hard, but you can do it if you really want to. Life may be harder for a while, but you will find your way.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, and I wish you strength and peace.

I was diagnosed with C-PTSD from all of this, so yes, it is possible. 

I went to a couple of therapists before I found one that really helped. The difference was that the last one specialized in trauma. The others treated me as co-dependent. In cases like ours, our trauma response can look a lot like co-dependency which is why it is important to find someone who understands and can spot the difference.

Also, I know it can be expensive. Truthfully, I couldn't afford mine. Twice I had to call the credit card company asking to raise the limit on my card, so I could pay the fee for that session. I wasn't receiving any support at the time, and I knew that when I started getting support that would change. However, I also looked at it as I couldn't afford NOT to go. I was a wreck, and I knew I couldn't live like that for the rest of my life. My kids were getting older and would be leaving home soon and I had already missed so much time with them because I just wasn't fully present because of all of this. I didn't want to be in that fog and miss the last few years I had with them at home.

I needed to get my head and emotions in a healthy place, and I was worth it.

And you are too.