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February 3, 2020 5:40 am  #1

I'm trapped

I'm lucky to find this forum, because I have a problem and no one to talk about it, this first red flags game already about 15 years ago, when I found gay porn from our computer, but somehow I ignore it that time. Few years went buy and next finding was a pair of red highheel shoes in men size, stockings and a dildo in cleaning cupboard, explanation this time was co-workers joke.

Few years went buy again and gay and shemale porn seem occur more and more in browser history. We use to boat on the summer time with my husband and he has got there a very god male friend and I though it was normal to have a good friend until few years back..

It was evening time and I was on our own boat and my husband was sitting in his friend boat, they were chatting and drinking little bear, when I take the lights off and decided to go to sleep, when my husband and his friends went to boats cabin downstairs, that moment all the red flags came to my face at the same time and I wanted to puke, then I knew. After about 20 minutes, both came up faces red and then I knew. All the motorcykel trips and other weekend trips together, now I know why.

He has newer admit that he is gay, I'm the lunatic, he says and I'm more and more in this anxiety and uncertainty, feeling trapped in this situation.

Last happening was last week, when I caught him ordering sex toys from netshop according his credit card bill. When I asked him, whom he is thingking to play with these toys (because not with me, he has had ED for years..), he became furious, almost crapped me, yelled, that he hasn't bought nothing such toys, went out the door and came back after four hours. Before that, his explonation was, that he think if these toys will help ED, beleve who wants..

He is in that age caterogy, that he will never admit nothing, I really would hear the confession on my own ears, because this has caused me so much shame and anxiety, when I have kept this secret in my mind allredy many years and this would be the boost to leave him, I don't know even myself, why haven't I done it.

Last edited by Hoppe (February 3, 2020 6:06 am)


February 6, 2020 2:32 pm  #2

Re: I'm trapped

Dear Hoppe,
Please know that you are not alone.  There are many spouses who have survived what you are going through. We survive because we get help from compassionate, caring people who will not judge them. 
Before the father of my children told me that he "wanted to explore his homosexual feelings", he had been increasingly erratic in his behaviour.  He'd tell our children that we would do something, but when the time came, he said that I had made the promise.   I thought I was going crazy, so much so, I was suicidal. When I told my doctor, during the annual checkup, she told me that I needed therapy.  I had to see 2 therapists before I found one with whom I "connected".  I am so glad that I swallowed my pride and sought that kind of help.
I suspect that english is not your first language, and that is okay. What you have shared, I understand. 

Please, please go to your doctor, and get yourself checked out. If your husband has been having "gay sex", you could have been infected.  My GID did not want to use a condom when we had sex; I am fortunate because my blood-work was clear.
In May 2020, it will be 20 years since his disclosure.  My children (now daughter 33, son 29) tell me their father has settled in Nice, (France) with a man.  I still live in Canada, which has been my home since 1971.  I tell you this, as an example of one who has survived that terrible time.  He was my first & only love. I married him when I was 25 years old & had so many hopes & dreams for us together. My main regret is that I trusted him so much....
Please know that I am praying for you, Hoppe.


February 11, 2020 6:34 pm  #3

Re: I'm trapped


Dont be too hard on yourself..we love fiercely and loyally.

I think some of us leave when things become too much to handle.

Start building your support system...you took the first step by posting here.

Do not think  you are trapped ..do not think your spouse has all the power he thinks he has..

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

February 11, 2020 7:13 pm  #4

Re: I'm trapped

Hoppe, I verbally stood up to my in the closet ex. It helped to loosen the hold he had over me. I didn’t scream or abuse him. I didn’t want to be like him.  I stated the facts consistently.

It helped me shake the trapped feeling. It gave me a clear path of my next steps to leave a man I no longer loved. 

Good luck and wishing you strength.

No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 

February 22, 2020 8:19 am  #5

Re: I'm trapped

Hoppe, you are not trapped AND you have no reason whatsoever to feel any shame. The only thing you are "guilty" of is loving and trusting your husband. His actions are NOT a reflection on you. There is no fault or shortcoming in YOU that drove your husband to act as he does. Please, please, please know this.

I, too, lost myself. I gave up the hopes and dreams I had for myself in order to adopt those of my (then) husband. As the years went on, I worked to help my children with their dreams and ambitions as well as take care of things at home so my husband could thrive and succeed at his career. Even though I was left unfulfilled, I told myself it was okay because it was just for a season, and I thought we were both working towards a future and retirement we could both enjoy. 

Divorcing my spouse has meant moving to a smaller place, going back to work, eating out less, etc. It also meant that I was faced with the reality of just how much I had given of myself to him and his goals and the knowledge that I had become a shell of the person I used to be. However, I have clawed my way back to me. It is a slow and extremely hard process at times, but I am happy. I am rediscovering some old passions and taking time to explore things that interest me - things I had pushed to the side to concentrate on his goals. I am regaining my health and for the first time in over 25 years, I am making myself a priority in my own life -- AND I'M NOT APOLOGIZING FOR DOING SO.

No Hoppe, you are not trapped. Getting out of a cage (even a self-imposed one) is hard, but you can do it if you really want to. Life may be harder for a while, but you will find your way.

I'm sorry you find yourself here, and I wish you strength and peace.


February 22, 2020 8:56 am  #6

Re: I'm trapped


 Thank you so much for your post.  Inspirational and aspirational!

  What you say about the your life after divorcing your spouse speaks very clearly to my situation.  At fifteen months post-divorce, I, too, am "claw[ing]" (perfect word for it!) my way back to me, and trying to set in place the conditions that will enable me to develop along the lines I wish for my future. 


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