This site might not be the best place to get answers to your questions. Since your spouse is a trans woman perhaps you might find out what sex could be like for you by looking into lesbian sexual activities.

Look I'm sorry but now you're a cis woman married to a trans woman and I wonder if you realise how undermining that is.

Here's another reframe - you are a woman married to a man who is planning to go to extreme lengths to feminise himself.

I simply cannot think of any way to handle this.  You are saying you are heterosexual.  Not to be too graphic about it but this is not going in a good direction is it.

yes i think you are right Abby, some of the women have made extraordinary efforts to accommodate their trans woman/ husband's changes to their sex life.

The thing is, quite apart from all that, there seems to be a consistent story line where the feminising husband insists he wants to stay married he wants a lesbian relationship but then that changes and from what I've seen around me the best thing for him is if he can be with another trans woman.

Last edited by lily (March 10, 2023 5:06 pm)

So I had sex with my trans identifying now ex for three years while I was trying to decide whether I could accommodate him acting as a woman.

The way my sex life changed might not be the way yours changes.  For one thing, my ex did not take hormones.  But I'll be blunt with you.  "Our" sex life was all about him and what he wanted.  

What follows is definitely Not Safe For Work.

  He wanted to "act the part of a woman" and be penetrated.  So I did that for him (anally).  He'd lie back, raise his legs, and moan, "I need you to fuck me."   Either with a dildo that looked like a lifelike penis, and that I wore, or with a double-headed dildo that he bought, because it was for lesbians, and we both used it at the same time (me vaginally, him anally).

  He wanted to give me oral sex, because that way he could pretend he was another woman.   I'll say now that although he considered we were "two lesbians together," I never saw it that way.  As with being a woman, he had no actual idea of what a lesbian felt, because he wasn't one, just as he wasn't a woman.  (So in that way I disagree with Stronger, because I wouldn't call what he wanted and did "lesbian sex" but "pretend lesbian sex.")

There was no penis-in-vagina sex, ever, because if I wanted that he would get upset that I wanted him to "be more male," although he would wear a strap-on so he could pretend he was a lesbian. I found that experience not to be satisfying, just as I found the double-headed dildo to be unsatisfying as well. There's no sense of two bodies responding to one another, just one doing something to another.  There's a vast difference between, say, a man who has erectile dysfunction but wishes he didn't. and uses a strap on in order to provide you a semblance of what you used to have, and a man who rejects his penis, eschews heterosexual sex, and doesn't even if he can.  Somehow the first is a caring act, while the second is withholding and rejection of your sexuality.  Over time this bothered me more and more. 

And yes, he'll want you to pleasure his "breasts," although you'll find that it feels quite different when you know he's imagining himself as a woman having his breasts and nipple pleasured, rather than a man who understands that sexual pleasure is not limited to a very narrow range of activities.  

Your body, by the way, and your sexual response, will become merely a blueprint for him.  He will care less about you and your pleasure than he will about vampiring on your sexual response.  

He still wanted me to pleasure him orally, and liked to imagine the glans of his penis was a clitoris.  He also still masturbated, turned on by himself wearing women's clothes.  That made it worse: he would use his penis to pleaure himself, but would not use it to pleasure me.  But anything that smacked of heterosexual sex was O-U-T.  And for me to want it, even, became for him a rejection of who he "was."  So I wasn't even allowed to grieve for the loss of heterosexual penis-in-vagina sex (or to request a session without him wearing women's lingerie), without it making him feel attacked.  

Oh, and did I mention the lingerie?  Not for me, but for him.  He wanted to wear it EVERY time, and change multiple times every time we had what I took to privately referring to as "a sex session."  It definitely wasn't "love-making"!

By far the worst thing was that sex ceased to be an intimate act of closeness and connection.  Instead, it became something he was having with himself, in love with his "woman self."  I felt as if I were acting in a drama he was scripting, directing, and starring in.  I wasn't even playing a supporting role!  I was merely an instrument of his pleasure, no different than any other sex prop. 

You want to know what your sex life will be like?   It'll be something like that. 

I wish I'd never ever had sex with him in his woman persona.  I had to learn to focus very narrowly, like on a body part, or the curve of the neckline of his lingerie, in order not to feel revulsion or disgust, and worse, I had to learn to dissociate, like a prostitute, so that my body might be participating, and I could act the part, while I'd watch myself from outside myself.  The trauma of it is with me still, even just writing this, and I moved out five years ago.  

Take a hard lesson from me and give it a hard pass.  If you don't, you'll wish you had.

My experience is not unusual.  Other women have reported this same feeling of feeling as if they were merely being used as an object and the main action was between him and the woman he we pretending and wanting to be.  

 

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (March 10, 2023 10:39 pm)

The resounding lack of response to my posts makes me think I ought to delete them.