StraightSpouse1979 wrote:

I have not seen a therapist yet, due to financial strain. I am curious, what some feedback has been. I dont just feel depressed. I feel like traumatized. Is it possible to have PTSD from this having to see walk around every day the way he is with how I feel about it?

You can easily have PTSD from dealing with this! It takes time to heals wounds like these that run so deep. It isn't just about the end of a relationship, it's that it is so much more complicated than that. It's learning that someone you loved, trusted, and believed in had something going on inside them for which they weren't able to share with you up front. Sometimes they didn't even know it themselves, sometimes they won't ever come around to acknowledging it let alone admit to themselves or anyone else.

A therapist is a great idea and you should seek out resources to help you. Reach out to people in your church, social services agencies, hospitals, even your local police and inquire about mental health services that might be available to you.

What I have learned in this process is that it is very important for a person to process the feelings that they are experiencing. Don't deny yourself the opportunity to feel. Cry when you need to. Scream at the top of your lungs it it helps. Acknowledge the feelings and allow them to pass. They will over time. Don't try to fight them off, don't try to tough it out. We're human beings and we hurt and we get angry.

In the mean time, one thing you can do on your own is to write in a journal every day. Pour out your innermost thoughts and feelings and just let it flow. Angry? Write it down and use exclamation marks galore!!! Hurt, write out what you are feeling. Questioning? Write them down. For the past six months I have been writing in a journal nearly every day. I have amassed over 80 single spaced pages of text. It has been a very therapeutic process for me. Anger that I could not release on my wife because we were trying to reconcile, I was able to channel and release in my writing. Things that I pondered in my head and heart that I couldn't share with her at the time, I included it in my journal.

My journal is nothing more than a Microsoft Word document that I open up and add to every day. My first day I put the date in and marked it Day 0 -- the 0 day finding out my wife was having an affair. I continued to do that until Day 136 -- two days after we made the decision to divorce and go our separate ways. For those two days I was pretty messed up -- it was so surreal to think that my marriage of 25 years was over and all the things we had planned for the rest of our lives just disappeared in an instant. After two days of being despondent and in denial, I started to embrace the new opportunity I have in life. So at that point in my journal, I started over the next day's entry in my journal with Day 1, the beginning of the new chapter of the rest of my life.

Things will get better over time. Time heals all wounds. You have a great support network in the people on this site and I imagine you have a number of people in your own circle of family and friends who are there to support you through this time as well.

 

SS1979
You can look for a therapist whose practice includes counseling for trauma.  You can also ask either when you call or during a first session whether your therapist has any experience counseling the wives of later-transitioning men.  I know it's hard to even take these steps--seeing a lawyer, seeing a therapist--but please remember that you don't have to settle for the first one you meet with.  In both cases you need a good fit for you; you need to feel comfortable with the person.  
 

I was diagnosed with C-PTSD from all of this, so yes, it is possible. 

I went to a couple of therapists before I found one that really helped. The difference was that the last one specialized in trauma. The others treated me as co-dependent. In cases like ours, our trauma response can look a lot like co-dependency which is why it is important to find someone who understands and can spot the difference.

Also, I know it can be expensive. Truthfully, I couldn't afford mine. Twice I had to call the credit card company asking to raise the limit on my card, so I could pay the fee for that session. I wasn't receiving any support at the time, and I knew that when I started getting support that would change. However, I also looked at it as I couldn't afford NOT to go. I was a wreck, and I knew I couldn't live like that for the rest of my life. My kids were getting older and would be leaving home soon and I had already missed so much time with them because I just wasn't fully present because of all of this. I didn't want to be in that fog and miss the last few years I had with them at home.

I needed to get my head and emotions in a healthy place, and I was worth it.

And you are too.

That’s beautiful, Rob.

I know that I need to find a good therapist. When this all started happening, I had a therapist who was capable, but I think in retrospect I really needed someone who was specifically trained in trauma issues.

I’m unable to make it through the night without waking up clawing at my scalp in a rage. I’m angry with my husband, but even angrier at the judge at our settlement conference. And really also at my lawyer, who didn’t stand up for me (or at least that’s the way it felt).  I think the judge just completely dismissed the seriousness of what my husband had done, and I lost my shit. I will pay for this every day for the rest of my life. I thought my husband would have to pay back at least some of the money he squandered on male escorts, but the judge said it was no different than if he’d spent money playing golf. I had held it together up until that point, but when I heard that it was like six months of therapy up in smoke.

Now I’m unable to make it through the night. This happened on October 30, and it still keeps me up nights. I have tried meditation and CBD and everything I can think of, but I can’t stop the rage from coming back at night.

Rob wrote:

At some point I just gave it to God. The money, the moral injustice. Do not think God doesn't know what they did. We will never get any money back but we can get away and move on ...knowing in this life or the next, or the next ..that we acted honorably and justly. And that these spouses can never say.

Karma has a way of evening things out in the end. What I tell myself is that if I meet someone new in my life, and she treats me the way I treated my wife by a factor of 10x, I'm in for an amazing life! If my wife meets up with someone who treats her the way she treated me by a factor of 10x, she is in for a miserable existence!

The best revenge is to live a great life without them. Be the best version of you that you can be, enjoy success, and be happy. That is the ultimate revenge.