Jupiter1: You wrote "I’m at that burned out, frustrated, worried, what became of my life point, & my natural inclination is to roll over and capitulate & avoid conflict. So many freakin emotions.  "

It took well over a year for our first mediator to finally give up on my husband's foot-dragging and tell us she would be unable to continue to work with us.  The delays were entirely my husband's doing, not mine.  I provided information immediately when asked.  I never asked for more time or gave excuses.  He took vacations, promised a "counter-offer" that never materialized after six months of delay, ducked e-mails and phone calls ... we finally ended up back with lawyers, going through the court process, and we were told we first would have to mediate before a retired judge.  Eighteen months had gone by.  The mediation was entirely off the record, and the first thing the judge did was insinuate I was the cause of the delay.  He then noted that even though our daughter was an adult by this time, it was a Well Known Proven Fact that dragging out a divorce for no reason was damaging to the "children".  He then went on to proclaim that there were no "real issues" for him to resolve -- I'd provided him with documentation summarizing and proving how my husband had diverted 40% of his community property paycheck FOR 24 YEARS to a separate account, would not account for the money, had used community property funds to pay the monthly maintenance charges on a co-op apartment he was now claiming as entirely separate property, and had even kept the rental proceeds as his separate property at the same time.  

Not to mention the funds he was squandering on male prostitutes.

The judge advised me that at the end of the day no judge would even bother going through all that stuff; they'd just hand one symbolic victory to one side and offset it by an equivalent victory to the other side.

My lawyer said nothing.  The judge demanded to know why I

roxie, going back to your original post -- yes, these are real red flags, whether or not you have proof enough to confront him -- woman's intuition here says he is cheating, he is doing so with men, and he intends to cover it up.  Your most recent posts confirm this.

Alex, I'm sorry you find yourself here.  

I try not to force feed advice here, especially to people who are trying to adjust to the new reality, because I do remember exactly how I felt when I started making these discoveries, and I would have just quit the site entirely if I'd felt people were trying to push me to do something I wasn't ready for.  I also had friends IRL who were also eager to take control of my life and tell me what to do, for that matter.  It was really important at the time for me to feel in control, and feel confidence in my own decisions.

We carry our own baggage, though.  My husband fed me carefully crafted doses of reality for a long time, trying to hoard the truth.  It's a pattern we do see a lot here, and it may not be the pattern of your marriage.  

I am so glad you're out.

I had years of spinal pain that ultimately left me with a spinal fusion and permanent nerve damage to my right hand.  I absolutely know that this was from the lingering stress of the whole experience.  

We all deserved so much better.

Daryl, that is a really interesting link.