Anon 765 wrote:

Hi Lostperson,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. You are not alone. I ask myself that question a lot. I'm a few months past my divorce being final. I do feel a lot better overall, but I still get extremely triggered and feel panic and overwhelm when I have to have contact with him. It can last for a week or so. I am extremely drained and slowly building back up from complete burnout and trauma.

Unfortunately, my ex does not share my view of reality. I am slowly coming to accept that he is profoundly mentally unwell, and likely was that way throughout our long marriage. I can't hold him to the standards of your average person because it's just crazy-making for me. This means big boundaries (that I may have to reinforce), lots and lots, and lots of self care, and avoiding as much contact as I can. It's a tough road that has been devastating to my mental and, to some extent, physical, health.

Now that we no longer live together or need to have much contact (sadly, there is some required occasional contact), I am finally able to start grieving and processing.

I think that with time and distance you will begin to feel better. Just hold on to what you know to be true! And make sure you have a friend or two in your corner who can absolutely have your back and remind you that you are not making things up.

Best wishes,

Anon 765

Thank you for responding ! I hope I will calm down.I feel like a broken record to my friend,mom and sister. I'm seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist .

I really don't understand how he can pretend to this extent and why this image is more important than the truth.


Maybe he married me just for the kids that he tries to play the role of a mom all the time !

It's exhausting !

Dear Lost and Mm3

Could you calmly say something along these lines to your husbands:

"My [friend], coming out is the healthiest thing for you, but if you don't want to come out - it's your life and your decision.  You do you. I am not staying with you in this madness anyway. However, you need to start taking accountability for the divorce. After all, we both know you are the reason it is happening."

If you feel it's appropriate, you can add an ultimatum:

"If you don't take accountability, I will have to start telling people what really happened. It's not outing if I gave you the warning and the opportunity to take control of the narrative. I won't allow you to tell lies about me".

Good luck!

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Dear Lost Person and MM3:

I found the time during separation and divorce to be hard, because I didn't want to jeopardize the settlement, and was afraid I would anger my then-stbx into blowing up the process somehow.  So I understand the way you are feeling right now.  Perhaps reminding yourself that this period of time, as difficult as it is, is a stage that will pass.  After the divorce, he won't have the same access to you, and you will feel more free.

Lost Person, I also understand why you want to understand why he has done what he has, but you may never get an answer.  I felt it, too.  What helped me was to tell myself that although I might never get a satisfactory answer from him--and never an apology or even an acknowledgement of his cruelty--I had to accept that he did do it, and that for whatever reason he was willing to treat me the way he did.  And knowing that, I acted accordingly when I had to interact with him.  

Mm3: What happened to you and in your marriage is yours to tell.  You are not "outing" him by talking about the details of your own life.  Your stbx has no right to imprison you in his closet, or to expect you to inhabit his closet and live in the dark with him just because he is afraid of the light.  I suffered in my now ex's trans closet, where I never asked to be (and you didn't either), for 18 months alone, and it was isolated and damaging to me.   You do not have to enable his cowardice or abet his abuse of you in the name of "outing."  One reason I did stay in that closet was that I, too, was afraid that if I opened that door and spoke the truth about what was inside it I would be condemned by "society."  But guess what?  I wasn't.  Even those people who had sympathy for my then-husband understood why I needed to leave him.  

 

I really appreciate everyone's input.

I agree with you ,one of the issues is I don't want to jeopardize the settlement mainly about the kids!
He still wants to control all finances and wants to decide what to give me and what to hold to himself !

He pretends its a period of his life that is gone and even God forgives him for it !!!! So he doesn't consider watching gay porn an issue !!

He tells me it's not a good reason for divorce .

I can't wait for limited interaction.

OutofHisCloset wrote:

Lost (now Found) Person,
 I assume you have a lawyer who is working with you to achieve the best settlement for you and for support for your children.  Have you talked to your lawyer about interim financial arrangements?  Your stbx should not be controlling the finances.  If you don't have a lawyer, please get one.

I also wanted to add this to my earlier post:
These guys will play the "shame" card, and blame "society" for their shame, and expect us to toe the line where they draw it about "telling," but the shame they ought to feel, but don't, is about what they are willing to do to us and to ask us to do.  For that, oddly, they never feel shame.  My ex at one point said to me "I wish I'd never told anyone!," and my response was to think that he was willing to subject me to an entire life in the dark about what was wrong in my marriage while I blamed myself for imagined failures and worked hard to make myself more "worthy."  And that's aside from the way he was willing to actually treat me!

Yes, I have a lawyer and am working with her, but he wants me to trust him with financial agreements, and I said no.

He didn't tell me anything ! I discovered all this ! And now he is pretending to be religious and he moved on from all this since I caught him 6 months ago

This shaming game is real