Dude,
RUN, don't walk. I've been with my LW 30 years, & didn't know till 2 years ago about her being now exclusively SSA. My whole sense of reality has become unmoored. Everything you dreamed & planned for the future is shit now. Your kids are grown, & they're like "what? Mom's gay? Why did she teach us that's a sinful lifestyle, then?" GET OUT NOW!!!

Most recent commentators:
Thank you all for your responses. I can't express how comforting it is to me to have this forum as a way to compare experiences & get my bearings. I'm trying my best not to second guess myself. It's hard to take this stance with the woman I've loved for 30 years. I don't want to bear the burden of telling my children HER story. I'm so very sad, but also just emotionally exhausted, & yet so hungry for a female's care & attention after 2 years of neglect (and I'm not speaking of physicality). It tempts me to keep her near, even though she's tossed me aside long, long ago now. Still, I know I can't heal until we're apart & my kids can see me as a model of resilience in the face of adversity, bolstered by God's strength & love. Guys, this is just so, so hard.

Thanks so much to everyone who's responded so far. I really appreciate the perspectives & the suggestions. I am definitely running it by my lawyer, & I'm inclined to hold my ground on the infeasibility of such an arrangement as my wife has proposed. I've also been advised by my pastor, who has walked through this entire mess with me since November, when she first told me she wanted to divorce. I guess it will be up to the attorneys about how to proceed, but I can't see any other route. She wants her new life, & I deserve one of my own as well. Thanks again!

I wish I had advice. I don't. That's why I've been here for nearly two years. My LW of 26 years is divorcing me. She may well care about how that hurts me & our boys, but that's not stopping her. I'm screwed from an emotional, physical, & a financial point of view. This is my reality. I pray it's not yours, too. I miss the spouse I once had. The one I fell in love with 3 decades ago. I miss sex. Maybe she faked it, but I didn't. I was honest. You were honest. They were not. But we're left holding the bag. It's up to us how we move forward. In the "Shawshank Redemption," there's a line Andy Dufresne asserts that resonates with me now: "Get busy living, or get busy dying." That's our decision now. I choose the former.

HereInMpls2717 wrote:

I don't know your situation, but I have some thoughts. My lesbian wife and I just had this conversation as well. Our oldest teens know she isn't straight, but that's it. She said she was ready to tell our kids that she's lesbian. I asked if she wanted to do that together or separately. She wants to tell them that herself, when it works, probably in the next couple weeks. If the kids ask about how it will affect our marriage, we're both telling them that we're working that out. IMO, her sexuality is hers to explain and I'm supportive of that. I asked for her to tell me when she tells them so I know and can respond to them, knowing that they know.

When it comes to our separation/divorce, that's a conversation we'll have with them together. We both feel that having one conversation about both subjects would have a number of bad effects on our kids. 1- Their mom being gay (something she can't control and isn't at fault for- and it isn't wrong or bad) would be associated with our divorce and their loss. It could send a message that their mom is to blame for their family changing. That's not fair to anyone, and I don't need to be seen as a victim by my kids, 2- If any of our kids could be gay, guess what that association could do? Drive them into a closet, leading them to get married to hide and perpetuating this awful cycle. Or at the very least, make them feel shame about themselves when they shouldn't. 

Kids from divorced homes suffer when their parents can't get along and there's animosity. When parents make an effort to get along, kids do much, much better. It's my opinion, though it's extraordinarily hard, that our kids being okay is far more important than them blaming the "right" parent. Consider taking the higher road. Your pain, grief, and disappointment are completely justified. Your anger at the situation is too. You may want to consider something- if one of your kids is gay or has gay friends, this may turn them completely against you

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