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March 3, 2023 12:28 am  #1


This is so messed up

I try to have conversations with my GH.  Why do I do this to myself?  Why do I expect him to take any responsibility? Now I am being accused of failing him because I didn't ask him about his orientation in our marriage.

So let me get this straight.....our marriage is ending because of me?  Because I didn't guess he wasn't straight? How does that even make sense?  I am not the one wanting to leave.  I am not the one who quit giving affection, quit saying "I love you", or withheld sex. 

He also has stayed married because he didn't want to hurt me.  So, having kids and making our lives extremely complicated  (AND NOT TELLING ME THE TRUTH) was all so I wouldn't get hurt.  In other words, since I would be upset if he left, it was my fault he stayed.  Or, so the crazy logic goes.

In more crazy logic, his orientation gives him the right to leave our marriage, but my hurt and devastation would not afford me the right to leave the friendship if we divorce.  ie: His pain matters more and gives him the permission to blow everything to bits, but my pain is selfish and self-serving. WTH?  How can he even think these things?  Any time I try to communicate my pain, I get hit with these doozies.

I am willing to admit my faults and errors - I am certainly not perfect.  But, damn it!  I am a good partner.  I loved and gave and was real. I am willing to change and grow.  But I will not accept the blame for the end of a marriage when I wasn't told the truth from the beginning. Nor will I play happy family so that he doesn't have to face himself and what he was willing to do to our family.

I think I need off this crazy train.  But, the pain is so deep and intense.  I want to throw up most of the time. I feel paralyzed when I think about our kids. I HATE, HATE, HATE causing them pain.  They didn't ask for this.  They sure as hell won't be expecting this.

I am trying to get unstuck.  I hate this.
 

 

March 3, 2023 8:28 am  #2


Re: This is so messed up

firefly - its not your fault, you know this, we know this and even your GH knows this. From my experience, you are going through the same things I did (and to some degree still am). My ex wife to this day, beleives she is fully justified in taking my money (that she didnt earn), destroying the family, and feels absolutely justified that I AM WRONG for going low/no contact with her, because thats "not whats best for the kids". One could argue her life of lies to me over 23 years were bad for the kids, her short temper hurt the kids, the devastation she put us all through, hurt the kids. 

What you have to remember, you have to be the bad guy to these people. Otherwise, they must look in the mirror and accept responsibility for what they have done. They are neither capable, nor willing to do that because it would literally destroy them. Your GH and my GexW, in their minds they TRULY believe they are victims, because to believe otherwise would very likely kill them. 

It takes time, but low/no contact has helped me tremendously. I am no longer triggered by her desperate attempts to get a reaction out of me. I have peace in indifference for her. You will get there too. Stay strong. 

 

March 3, 2023 9:14 am  #3


Re: This is so messed up

Thank you, Blackie
I know you get it.  It does help to hear from those who are further along in their journey.  I know I will be the bad guy if I go no/low contact.  But, I know I will have to for my own health.  Thank you for the encouragement today. 
 

     Thread Starter
 

March 3, 2023 9:46 am  #4


Re: This is so messed up

Right there with you firefly.

What boggles my mind about this process is how I can feel so guilty about everything and yet he dumped me!!!

He twists everything to fit his own narrative. Yesterday he sent me a text message saying that he will respond to the email I sent "shortly". I actually had a physical reaction. I started hyperventilating, couldn't breathe, chest pain, sick to my stomach, shaking and then cried. From a bloody text message not really saying anything!

All I could think is how he is going to somehow blame me for everything. Or turn into a complete monster in the divorce process and ruin me. I'm just waiting for him to further destroy my life. I realized I am terrified of him.

When he got really angry before he moved out the one time....I was so scared. I honestly could see him hitting me. I couldn't stop shaking in the fetal position. His response to me was that he was hurt I could even fathom he would be capable of hitting me. And I felt guilty!

A friend of mine who left a relationship with physical violence told me to think about that for a minute....that her ex said the exact same thing - "how could you think I would be capable of hitting a woman"...up until he started hitting her.

My therapist pointed out the red flag there....that, if he truly cared about me, he should have been horrified that he scared me that badly and then reflected on his own actions and what he needs to change. Not just made it my fault somehow. 

I tried to have conversations too. Over and over again. Like a glutton for punishment.....it took me months to figure out that the only one suffering from this was me. He wasn't going to change. Hell, he doesn't even think he did anything wrong and that I'm overreacting and treating him poorly.  

The luxury vacation that he just went on....well, that was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. It was like the floodgates opened. All I could see was him taking off on vacation when for the past 4 years I have been planning vacation after vacation that we didn't go on because of whatever he did at the time. I have wanted a vacation for ages. And now I likely won't be able to afford one for like a decade. It's just yet another thing he has taken from me.

 

March 3, 2023 12:34 pm  #5


Re: This is so messed up

firefly wrote:

 
Firefly...you need to stop having conversations with a man who can only see his own story. Until you accept there is no point in trying to justify what he thinks you have done to him you'll stay in the mindset of having to answer to somebody trying to get you to take the blame. You have to stop believing he'll ever take responsibility.

Crazy logic? Yip and it'll keep being crazy until you stop buying into it, when you stop reacting to his self-pity. Stop trying to communicate your pain, it's only giving him a reason to have more than you.

We all have faults. None of us are perfect. So what are you going to do to get off the  trainwreck that's happening? What have you done? Who have you talked to? Do you have somebody to confide in? (besides us of course)…

Deep, cleansing breathing. Whenever your stomach turns...take a deep breath, then another. Think of the nausea as him, and the way to stop the affect he has on you is to take so much fresh air into your lungs that there is no space left for his bitter selfishness

Elle

Edited to add....your children are better off with a gay father and a strong mother than they will be with a father who wants other lovers and a mother who wants to keep the truth of their father from them

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (March 3, 2023 1:15 pm)


KIA KAHA                       
 

March 3, 2023 4:18 pm  #6


Re: This is so messed up

Firefly,

I can definitely relate. My late ex pointed the finger at me for things I didn't say or do. It's a real m1ndfu!!.

Your stbx is spinning around in his own universe saying weird things.   You can't control that.   You can control staying away and not taking it seriously. It'll help calm down your mind and put the situation in perspective.

Accepting that in my late ex helped me heal and rebuild my life.   It will for you, too! ❤️


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

March 3, 2023 6:18 pm  #7


Re: This is so messed up

Firefly, first thing, I’m so sorry this is happening to your family. It a load of horse sh*t we are served when our spouse unilaterally decides to keep us in the dark, robbing us of informed consent. I shook for weeks with trauma and grief, literally. In a way, I felt like a baby learning how to walk again, thinking was fractured, I’m truly not the same person I was before discovering the “truth” about my life. Trauma does that. I had to get away from him as I no longer felt safe. Folks who can lie and hide like this are capable of other deceits, it frightened me to my core. Took all I had to care for myself during the discovery, there were no leftover resources emotionally available for him. so I focus on the only thing I have ANY control over and that is myself. Please know you are not alone, and it will get better. The only was out is thru . It will take everything you’ve got AND you’ve got everything that it will take.

 

March 3, 2023 10:57 pm  #8


Re: This is so messed up

Firefly:
   He is engineering your response.  It's a deliberate tactic to keep you off balance.  You now know what to expect from him in terms of a response, so maybe you can adopt a stance in which what he says you chalk up to additional evidence that he's engaging in abusive DARVO tactics.  I did something similar with my now-ex, as if I had a mental chalkboard in my head, and the evidence just kept piling up that what he was saying added up to what I already knew about him.  Every utterance became further confirmation that I was right in leaving. 

Anon: I don't want to discount the real financial hit you're taking.  But I do want to say, sincerely, and from personal experience, that no matter what other challenges and stresses and strains on you, once he's out of your life it will in fact feel like a vacation, in that you will be able to breathe deeply and your poor muscles, tightened up against the stress, will be able to relax.  Not the same as a week at the beach, obviously, but it will also last longer.

 

March 3, 2023 11:49 pm  #9


Re: This is so messed up

Thank you OOHC.

It's just been one of those weeks. I just hate the hold he still has over me. It is literally ruining me. I am trying so hard...therapy weekly, saw my doctor, referrals to specialists and in a lot of ways I feel like I'm worse off than before. It's humiliating and I feel so pathetic. It is also really depressing since it's going to take 3+ years to get divorced and the process sounds like hell....not to mention, so ridiculously expensive. 

It's just one of those weeks that is a major funk. I also had an aunt pass away early this week. And found out my cat has a limited time left...I thought I was going to have to put her to sleep yesterday, but she is holding her own for now. I think I am getting burnt out and there's so much left of the process.

 

March 4, 2023 12:14 am  #10


Re: This is so messed up

Firefly,

It's normal to be angry at your stbx. It has to be expressed safely. A private uncensored journal is one way. I know you know going to him for understanding or closure is causing you more grief. 

I have a mantra I say when thoughts of my ex appear - I must increase and you must decrease.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

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