Ellexoh_nz wrote:

That's great news 42. Is it a Straightspouse group specifically?

Nope. Unfortunately local SSN group meetings are only once a month and I've managed to miss one of those. Will attend the next one, but it's still in a week.
Overall I still don't have enough people to talk to, basically just my therapist.
This was just a men's support group. I decided not to share all of the details of my situation there yet. But even just talking a bit about my failing marriage, and seeing a few divorced guys who are somehow alive, helped me calm down a lot, and I guess accept the divorce as a possible outcome.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Honestly 42....if I was you (and I was where you are 5 years ago) I would put all thoughts of worthiness for a r'ship out of my mind and concentrate on healing myself before I even entertained the thought of a new r'ship. Actually it wasn't long before I realised I would never ever trust another man with my heart so in a way it became easier to focus on me.

I don't know, I feel like I still can trust women. Maybe because at least my wife has not cheated on me (I believe). And we're still talking to each other. I just need to be reeeal careful not to marry another closeted lesbian.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

You will, you will be fine but this is a  marathon not a sprint and you can expect your life to be up and down for a while yet....that is simply the nature of this beast we call the Mindfuck

Thanks!
In the beginning I wished it was a sprint, because I couldn't go on with thoughts I had in my head for much longer. Now I feel like I'm "ok" somehow. Knowing how much I was missing out on love and intimacy I'm really looking forward to meeting other women and hopefully my next wife. After all, I now have a chance to have a better life, and have more kids.

We're on a family vacation now. But I'm not enjoying it much as you can imagine. Want to talk about the wife about what she's thinking about and share my thoughts. But I'm trying to spare her at least till after the vacation.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Men seem, to me (this is my personal view) to place and have a bigger focus on sex as a measure of a good r'ship.

Maybe I did not describe the situation quite well, but the lack of sex is just a tip of the iceberg that our relationship is now. I'd have thought that after being in this situation, people here would understand that. We don't really talk. We don't sleep together. When I try holding her hand, she instinctively tries to pull hers out. She's often angry and upset. She does not eant to go out with me. I'm never doing enough to please her. Last time we had sex (after the disclosure), it was obvious that she's not happy during it. It seems like we're not ever going to do that again. When I suggest family therapy, she is doubting it's doing to do anything, and really I can hardly make her discuss important things with me now.
That, and a little fact that she says she likes women, and was asking if I'll be ok with her dating them (and still live together).

It also seems to me that for quite a few women in this situation, having sex twice a year was also not acceptable (according to some posts and OurVoices podcasts).

But yes, men might want to have sex a bit more overall.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

I can only hope you heal yourself before you delve into finding another woman.

Yes, I would definitely try doing that, I'm very likely just not seeing the ways I'm broken now.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Having been through breakup number one (non-lgbtq) I didn't realize the affect it would have on my very young children, that wouldn't emerge till they were much older.
Your children won't have the skills to verbalise how this will affect them and they
deserve your focus more than another woman does

Of course, my kids are most important people to me. I will do my best to minimize changes in their lives as much as possible, but some things would definitely have to change. Please don't read my thoughts above like I'm going to abandon them tomorrow, or that I even know what I'm doing. I'm just trying to imagine that maybe my life could be better in the future.

I'm sorry if I'm a bit harsh in my comments above, your comments about sex hurt a little bit. I do appreciate your responses and discussion, thanks!

As far as I can see, we might not be the initiators of the act but sex is just as important to women as men.  And the feelings that go with monogamy are just as strong.

imo, if someone wants to stray out of their marriage it is every sign it is not a good marriage.  It usually turns out to be a mismatch of orientation.  And as we often find, it says something about the character of a person that they did not disclose such a fundamental sense of themselves to a prospective mate.

there is nothing harsh in your comments anon.  They are life affirming.  We bent over backwards for our spouses - that's a sign of strength, being able to go the extra yard, not a fault not a weakness.  

Elle, you said somewhere that your first thoughts on disclosure are what you really want.  My first thought was this is my get out of jail free card.
 

Hi Anon,

Your marriage is not and never was what you believed it to be.  Your wife is not and never was who you believed her to be.  This is world shattering information for you to take in.  It takes some time and your view of your wife and the marriage you had changes as you see more in the new light of what you now know.

Right now you are in shock.  The point of advising you to 'Run don't walk' is self protection.  You are blindsided.  Meanwhile your wife is not blindsided, she's known all along and she is the one tipping the marriage.  

Yes you should be thinking about the likelihood your wife is stepping out on you.

Yes you should be thinking about what is happening with the money now, not later.

Yes start talking with your family and friends.  And yes, talk to a lawyer.

One step at a time and things will get better.

wishing you all the best, Lily











 

okay, no really, you've just done the first wave, and it is the biggest but buckle up, there's more coming.

Can I suggest now is very much not the time to be giving your wife the benefit of the doubt.  Give it to yourself for the moment, you need to be your own best friend and support right now.

I can only convey an experience in words, but the first person I told was a friend.  Then I went to the doctor and told him as he took my blood pressure.  That was enough to break me out of his closet.  It so much better when you feel the ground back under your feet.

Your wife might not have known that dating girls was an option but she knew she wanted to.  Now she is asking you to sit tight while she goes dating - where is the love or care for you in this.  I can see how you must sympathise with her feeling she needs to be with a woman but where is the bit where she has that sort of sympathy for you?  Nowhere.  That is why we are urging you to take action, talk to people, pay attention to your finances, protect yourself, protect your feelings.

all the best. and sending you an e-hug, Lily