32mgl wrote:

I’m full of anxiety now, my head is spinning and there are millions of thoughts running in my head.

Thanks for reading all of this, I hope to get some advice!

Hi 32,

I think this anxiety you’re feeling is your intuition trying to tell you something is not aligning. Please listen to it before to much time passes. The love we feel for our questioning partners will blind us of the truths that are right in front of us. It’s easier to look away and not question. All the clues and answers you seek are right in front of you. I know it’s a difficult situation but please question before more time passes by and the process will become even more heart wrenching. Best to you.

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

Crystal_H wrote:

.

You could actually see this as a wonderful thing. Even with all the stress, confusion, anger, sadness....you name it, we've all been through it. Even after all the trauma and feelings of loss....this man has admitted this to you. He's typed it out and sent it to you. Proof that in all the time you were with him he was keeping part of who he was from you (and probably many other people too)....that he's gay..
And maybe you could see it as a starting point for you to start putting this part of your life firmly behind you

Elle
 

Hi Elle, it has been a few weeks of processing and your comment really has stuck with me. Especially after reading all the stories on here of how many are still in denial. It  really saddens me. As mentioned before we divorced before he came out and now that I know I feel like I can have the closure I’ve been looking for for over 3 years.
I did end up responding to him after he came out in the email. From his tone I could tell he was bothered by me calling our marriage a lie, deceiving and a scam. I mentioned to him that I was needing to process and if it was forgiveness he was looking for I wasn’t and am not ready to give at this time. In reading the traumatic situations on this forum it seems that the normal trend is that there is little to no understanding for the SS. No compassion for the hurt that was caused by the non SS. I also find it difficult to put into words all the pain that was caused in our marriage. I listened to this amazing podcast that Kristin Kalbli did on Graying Raimbows. She describes all my feelings to the T. I’m almost tempted to send this to my GXH. What would you advise on that? This is the link if anyone is interested in listening.
I appreciate all your input on this form Elle.

https://grayingrainbows.com/gr-31-kristin-kalbi-from-the-straight-spouse-network-podcast

Rob wrote:

Maybe we should have straight pride month..oh wait thats

I needed a good chuckle 🤭

Sean wrote:

It's quite common for closeted husbands to claim "childhood trauma made me gay,"  

He claimed that he was not given a choice when sexually molested by another boy. I'm not to sure what he means by "choice". I'm guessing since it was forced on him he didn't get to choose if molester was male/female when this was done to him. Or he didn't have a choice of the entire thing, which is correct. No one makes a choice to be sexually molested. It is usually forced. With all the reading I've done on this, I can agree with you that he was already gay and this incident did not "make" him gay. What he does claim is that incident taught him how to lie because he had to lie and not disclose what had happened to him out of shame. Feeling for the same sex were already there even as a young child, but had to be suppressed.  He came from a broken family, so he had to learn how to lie at a very young age and carried it through into adulthood. I am sure being released from this secret that is carried for years is freeing for the gay spouse when they get to finally confess that they are gay.
 

carnation2976 wrote:

The night usually ends with him becoming extremely affectionate with kissing. He said that the thought of taking it further and being intimate is overwhelming. I don’t know where this is coming from, as we always have such a good time together and he is the one who initiates every time we make out. Do you think this could mean anything?

This was my experience as well with my now GXH. When we first met in our early 20's this is all we would do is have great make out sessions. I thought oh wow what a great kisser. It took a while for us to get to sexual. I would question him about it and he would say that he wanted to take his time and not rush into things. I took this as "oh what a gentleman". Never imagining that he'd be gay. Got married and it was a 13 year spiral of very minimal sex in our marriage. As Sean mentions, sex was overwhelming for him. He would blame it on stress, me, his childhood trauma etc, etc.