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1 - 12lawliet12
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I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do. I'm sorry if this is a bit incoherent, I'm not all here mentally at the moment.
I've been with my spouse for well over a decade, and yesterday he dropped a bombshell on me that's tearing my world apart. I've known he's been bi since we first met, but yesterday he told me that he's been suicidal for years because he can't be with other men. He said that he would leave the relationship to have that freedom, if we don't make a "compromise". He said that the urges to be with a man are so strong that he can't ignore them, that basically the only options are that I let him have that freedom or he walks away. I don't understand. I feel inadequate. I feel terrible because I know it's narrow minded of me, but I can't help feeling like he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. I've only ever been attracted to him and him alone, so I don't understand how his attraction to men could be so strong that he'd want to stray. Other people have attraction to people outside of their spouses all the time, but they don't act on that attraction. It's gone from him being the one feeling suicidal to me fantasizing about slitting my wrists. He said he can't ignore his attraction. I was willing to compromise and let him flirt and sext with others but he said he craves the physical act itself. He's my entire world. My first and only love. If I lost him I wouldn't have a reason to live, but I would never ever be able to look at him the same way again if I knew he had been with someone else. Sometimes I feel like it would have been easier for both of us if I had actually killed myself years ago when I wanted to, so that way we would both be free. I don't know what to do.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I don't know what to do
Welcome to our Forum Lawliet.
Your spouse is trying to control you and using your love for him to make his life better, not yours.
On the General Board have a read of the First Aid Kit. And know that the only thing you have control over is yourself and your reactions.
Elle
KIA KAHA
- lily
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Re: I don't know what to do
Hi lawliet,
sorry to hear all that. it's tough. But he is telling you he needs the sex with a man whether you agree to it or not so that doesn't really leave you anywhere to stand in relation to him, does it.
He sounds gay in denial to me - they insist they're straight, or they call themselves bisexual, they say it doesn't matter what sex you are it's the person they love - at the end of the day what they are is gay - it's men they want to have sex with, men they can fall in love with.
You sound to me like a monogamous person. I am like that too, I think it's very common and it's real. We are emotionally equipped for monogamy and it hurts when the person we want to be with steps out. It's a breach of trust. Here he is shoving it down your throat, actually bullying you over it. No, monogamy matters. He should be doing the decent thing, not telling you to suck it up! But he isn't going to do that - and you are left to nurse an aching heart alone.
I think maybe we can fall in love accidentally, and see the person through rose coloured glasses and I don't think we can help it, or fight it, or feel wrong for having loved unwisely - you can love the beauty in your love, you can hold onto yourself as the rose coloured glasses fall off in having to recognise he is doing the wrong thing by you.
Be kind to yourself, put your arm around you.
Wishing you all the best, Lily
- Rob
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Re: I don't know what to do
12,
Welcome.
If anything we can understand how you feel. Suddenly we are not enough for our spouses.
We should be enough..we should be more than enough.
If I look back I don't see the gay but if I'm honest I see a pervasive unhappiness in my GX..a narcissism..she was never happy..her mood each day set the tone of how everyone would be feeling that day. I can see now why I was always not unhappy but felt like I could never do enough to make her happy.
Read the first aid kit. Build a support system...depending what kind of moral person he his maybe marriage counseling can help...but
.big but..I dont think we can control these spouses anymore than the tides or moon. We should not have to control them
...they should love us for all that we are..in my case being married she vowed before God and family that I was enough.Its a scary thing to find their love so shallow that they can hurt us and keep hurting us.
Build your support system..know that you have a right to love and kindness..not hurt.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Daryl
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Re: I don't know what to do
This isn't a compromise, it's an ultimatum with a dose of blame shifting. Monogamy is not narrow-minded, it's a commitment and an expectation many of us have. For starters, you might want to escape the pressure cooker for a few days. Are there friends or family you could visit for a few days?
Try not to be overwhelmed with all the things you should do. Don't let yourself be pressured into moving faster than you are comfortable with. Don't agree or sign to anything at this time.
Finding support at a time like this is important. Talk to your doctor. If possible, seek a professional counselor, preferably one that is experienced in trauma.
He cannot just walk away. When you're mentally ready, have a chat with a lawyer and know your rights.
Most importantly, keep a close friend or family member on speed dial. If you're having those thoughts of self-harm, have a local hotline # programmed into your phone. In the USA, you can now call or text 988
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- 12lawliet12
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Re: I don't know what to do
I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't have any friends outside of work, and I don't talk to my family for a variety of reasons. I moved hundreds of miles away from my hometown to be with him. My only support system is his family. There's no money for a doctor or a therapist, we're living paycheck to paycheck. I don't even know where to begin to build a support network.
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Thread Starter- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: I don't know what to do
12lawliet12 wrote:
I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't have any friends outside of work, and I don't talk to my family for a variety of reasons. I moved hundreds of miles away from my hometown to be with him. My only support system is his family. There's no money for a doctor or a therapist, we're living paycheck to paycheck. I don't even know where to begin to build a support network.
If you keep all this inside all of it will eat you up and your life will become so condensed you'll be stuck.
Now... Take a deep breath, then another. Is there a way you can reconcile with at least one person in your family? Because you don't know anybody won't listen and be a listening ear until you actually try.
Is your spouse controlling everything in your life...?
That is not right 😔
We're here to listen 12 (feels weird calling you a number... But quirky too. I like it 🙂 )
Elle
KIA KAHA
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: I don't know what to do
You are experiencing relationship abuse. Your partner has issued an ultimatum that you allow him to have sex with men while maintaining a relationship with him: that's controlling behavior and sexual abuse. You have moved hundreds of miles away from home in order to be with him, which means you are isolated: that's controlling behavior and relationship abuse.
Here is the url of the national domestic violence site that allows you to search for a local women's shelter:
If you are feeling like you want to or ought to kill yourself, contact a suicide prevention service: 988.
- MJM017
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Re: I don't know what to do
I had a controlling GID spouse who isolated me. It was painful to admit that my love and care was a one-way street.
Definitely talk to someone about it. The resources listed in this thread are good ones. I know you'll feel better and be better able to decide on next steps if you reach out
You need to take care of yourself and put yourself first .
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- Daryl
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Re: I don't know what to do
You can also contact Our Path for assistance.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer