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June 3, 2022 3:55 pm  #1

Brand new to this!

I am only 2 weeks into this experience and feel like I am living in quicksand.  My husband of 32 years came out to me just a couple of weeks ago and now he announced to me last night he is going out of town to see God knows who and spending the night away from home.  Seriously?!  WTF?!  My head is still spinning from the news that he's gay!  Is this even remotely normal?  How do I handle this?  We just started counseling this week and the counselor asked us to refrain from infidelity.  Not a problem for me, but apparently hubby doesn't give a royal rat's patoot!  Advice from some OG's that have been around a while, please!!


June 3, 2022 5:11 pm  #2

Re: Brand new to this!

Hi, this is going to take a while to process but if you can, it might be a good idea to get a picture of your finances and start working out how to protect yourself - he is being very blatant.

Take naps as often as you can, curl up even if it's only for ten minutes, and be your own best friend, better to give yourself a hug than roll in self doubt and confusion from all the gaslighting.  

Look for a friend or two you can confide in.

Trust yourself.


June 3, 2022 5:48 pm  #3

Re: Brand new to this!

Thank you, lily.  I have no one to confide in right now except for this group.  But thank you for the advice.  I need all the help I can get.  It's going to be a long, dark night of the soul...[img]https://cdn.boardhost.com/emoticons/cry.png[/img]

     Thread Starter

June 10, 2022 8:39 pm  #4

Re: Brand new to this!

Go get tested for STD’s. I know it’s the last thing you want to do but you just never know.


June 13, 2022 11:53 am  #5

Re: Brand new to this!

Seriously, take things one day at a time.  If that's too much, take it one hour at a time or one minute at a time.


June 14, 2022 6:49 am  #6

Re: Brand new to this!

In explicitly not following the guidelines your counselor set out, to refrain from infidelity, your husband has given you a preview of what you can expect from him going forward.  He has revealed that he will act unilaterally, and is not committed to the two of you as a couple; nor is he willing to take into account your feelings. Take your counsel and make your plans from that.  

  Unfortunately, your husband's behavior is "remotely normal."  When those who have denied their sexuality for decades, or have hidden it from view, come out, it's the beginning of a period of self-assertion, and because they have hidden this aspect of themselves away for so long, they feel entitled to now do only what they want to do, having (in their minds) not done it because of social or family pressure. 

  We straight spouses get caught in the middle: we are not an active part of what they see as having stopped them from being themselves (many of us have been allies to LGB people, and count them among our friends and family), but we are the consequence of choices our spouses made after having gone along with the social or familial pressure, which makes us the "frenemy."  We're symbolic of everything they wish to discard and which in their minds is responsible for their "having to" repress themselves; unfortunately for them, and for us, we're also their flesh-and-blood spouses, the ones they swore to love and cherish, and that introduces new pressures of its own, which they too often respond to with an aggressive defensiveness which translates into a kind of "you're not the boss of me and I'll do what I like" attitude and behavior.

  It seems your husband is going this latter "you're not the boss of me," "throw it all overboard," unilateral route,   You need to protect yourself accordingly.  See a lawyer to find out what you are entitled to under the law.  

 You might also want to peruse Sean's thread on these boards.  He tells it straight, from the perspective of the day husband in hiding who comes out.

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (June 14, 2022 10:50 am)


July 17, 2022 9:01 pm  #7

Re: Brand new to this!

Hi....I am SO sympathetic to your current 2 week reality.....after 45 years of marriage I discovered my husband had been sexually engaged with men for the previous 5 years.   I was in a state of psychological, emotional and spiritual shock .   I threw my husband out within hours, but found I needed a caregiver for ME on-call at all times.  Find your people .... I was lucky to have friends who were psychotherapists and ministers etc with particular knowledge of human responses but find whoever you are comfortable with and start using them!  I had a friend drive 2 hours to make me a sandwich for dinner and spend the first night alone with me....I treasure that care.  Get you affairs in order, find a copy o your mortgage, all monies and investments etc, get extra keys (or take them) have the police number and local women's shelter number available if there is any fear of violence....sounds like he has total disregard for you, so do what you need to protect yourself on all fronts. Expect to be  emotionally DIS-regulated and reactive at times.


July 18, 2022 10:15 pm  #8

Re: Brand new to this!

I also belong to the "new to this" group. It has been 3 weeks since he spontaneously came out of the closet and I found out about all the lies and deceit. Also, found out I was the only one that even remotely cared about our marriage or was trying to make things work. The mind f**k is real.

I am exhausted and feel like I am living this weird double life. I feel numb a lot, and then anger and random crying jags. My life is horrible.

I agree with others in the fact that you have to start protecting yourself. Time to do a real time assessment of your life and finances. And start walling yourself off, emotionally, psychologically and physically. You have to protect yourself from the pain that is going to keep coming for awhile.

My gay husband has now become super honest and is freely sharing things like how the last few years he used the marriage as cover while he sorted himself out and made sure. Or how he fell out of love with me a long time ago and sees me as a platonic friend (he loves to emphasize the word platonic). Or told me when he looks at me now he doesn't have a single bit of attraction anymore and hasn't for awhile. All things that make a person feel really good about themselves. 

I also found out that he hates having a house, owning dogs, doing chores, everything about our lives. Of course this whole time he never brought up a thing. No concerns, no complaints. We just bought this place a year ago and he was all gung ho about it.

It amazes me all the similarities I see in these stories. And all the shock and devastation of the spouse left behind. *hugs* take it one day at a time and know there are a bunch of us in the same place...sadly! 


July 19, 2022 9:10 am  #9

Re: Brand new to this!

I was in shock for a couple of months when I found out that my ex boy friend was gay. I was hurt and shocked. I had trouble sleeping through the night and would cry without warning. I am holding a good thought for you. It does get easier.


July 19, 2022 10:35 am  #10

Re: Brand new to this!

   I'd suggest you stop letting your husband "share" with you.  It's cruelty masquerading as honesty.   Tell him that you know enough and you don't want to hear anymore.  I don't remember where you are in the divorce process (I assume your husband wants one, whether he's said this or not, or he wouldn't tell you the things he is telling you, which, if he hasn't said he wants a divorce, he is telling you so that you will divorce him), but I'd tell him that your relationship is no longer one in which he can expect you to empathize with him as a wife would.  


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