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December 19, 2022 4:23 pm  #1

How do I proceed…I’m scared

Hi, I’m a 32 female and have been dating my boyfriend (34) for a little over 2 years. We have had a great relationship, I can truly say he’s the love of my life and I have never questioned his love for me. We have great sex, there’s been some rough patches when we didn’t have our own place or when our work schedules were off but have always been able to get back to the great sex we have. He’s never had issues performing and he’s never refused to have sex.

Recently I discovered that he’s been watching gay male porn and I’m not sure what this means for him or for us. I confronted him and initially was upset because I had looked through his phone. He was mad that I also confronted him, he eventually calmed down and said he was curious. There have been other occasions in the past when I discovered explicit photos of him that were taken way before we had event met and also photos of him posing in a somewhat feminine way. He said when he was younger he would sell those photos to men on dating apps for extra income. I believed him and we never talked about it again. I’ve seen that he’s looked up things like strip clubs with male dancers and clubs for swingers which were not explicitly for gay men but interesting nonetheless. During that occasion he said he ran across something on social media and went through a rabbit hole which is very believable for him as he often does with other topics.

After knowing he watches male gay porn i can’t help but wonder if he’s Bisexual. He’s told me that he’s interested in being with me and has told he hasn’t been with men. He says he was curious and has at times watched it. I’m full of anxiety now, my head is spinning and there are millions of thoughts running in my head. Can he simply be interested in gay porn and not be Bi or gay? If he is bisexual then is he going to want to explore the male on male side some day and would that mean for our relationship? I want him to be comfortable with himself and if he wishes to explore then I really don’t want yo stop him but I don’t want him to do it while he’s in a relationship with me which is hard because I don’t want to lose him.

These are all things I’ve been thinking about but I’m also wondering how I can talk about this again without him getting upset? Also can I press him to ask if he has been with a man whether it be on dates, just a kiss or sexually. I think about those photos and have wondered whether that time wasn’t him selling photos but actually dating men, is it okay to ask if that was that case even though it was before we dated?

Thanks for reading all of this, I hope to get some advice!


December 19, 2022 4:59 pm  #2

Re: How do I proceed…I’m scared

Hello 32 - Sorry you are going through this. The anxiety is understandable. IT appears he has not been entirely honest with you about who he is, or his proclivities. While you are not married, it seems you are in a committed long term relationship, yes? If yes, for relationships to survive and grow, it requires honesty and trust in both directions. This is causing you distress. Do you want to live like this? Even if he is bi, he has a choice to make, you or fulfill his other desires. I do not think it is out of bounds to inquire with him, calmly. Ultimately its up to you, to believe what he tells you, or not. Life is too short to live with that type of anxiety. Better to find out now than 23 years later like me...with 3 kids 


December 19, 2022 5:11 pm  #3

Re: How do I proceed…I’m scared

I'm 64...twice your age. This Mindfuck has ruined the end of my life. 

You will have to be very honest with your emotions. And you'll have to see your future through the lens of how you 
see your life, how you wish to live it....which may ultimately be too difficult when you are obviously in love with your boyfriend and are invested emotionally. The anger he expresses is to quash any intrusive questioning he won't want to answer. 

Don't let him ruin your life


KIA KAHA                       

December 19, 2022 7:33 pm  #4

Re: How do I proceed…I’m scared

Hi 32mgl, 

I haven't posted before but I have been prowling this forum since my husband of 11 years came out to me as non-binary 2 months ago. I'm 36 now when I was 31, I caught him engaging in phone sex with other men, soliciting men for sex (but not actually meeting them) and referring to his pre-marriage encounters with men. I confronted him about these and he passed it off to me as a fetish - something that turns him on - but that he did not like it when he did it. He was only using this as a kind of substitute for porn is the impression he gave me. When I questioned him more, he got angry and defensive. I left it alone because when we got married we had decided we would give each other a bit of space and freedom to explore - including potentially seeing other partners. We were also very sexually active at the time and if anything I was less often in the mood for sex than him so there wasn't really a reason to be concerned.

Then in the past couple of years he started cross-dressing and presenting as feminine around the house. Admittedly, I can't say I handled it well - choosing not to handle it at all. I operated from a place of denial, didn't acknowledge it, ignored it hoping it is some fetish or phase that will pass. 

Only when he told me that he is non-binary and has been fantasizing about transitioning since he was teenager, did I realize that what I had stumbled upon in 2017 was not that he had hidden his bisexuality or bicuriousity from me but rather that he was questioning his gender identity. I could say that maybe he himself did not know what was happening but now that I go back to some of his accounts on certain websites, I noticed that in 2018 he had referred to himself as transgender femme somewhere. I had been so obtuse I missed what was right in front of me. I just couldn't imagine him as transgender so I went on with life as usual.

I don't know if this helps but I now I feel like back in 2017 I wish I had looked at things more closely and questioned a bit more. Not that it would have changed anything but at least I would know that I had exhausted all avenues to get more information back then rather than just letting it be.


December 20, 2022 6:02 am  #5

Re: How do I proceed…I’m scared

You are 32 years old.  That is still young but also when it comes to having children then that is something you need to consider isn't it.  He sounds like gay in denial to me.  If that is the case and I really think it is, then he will continue to put you off questioning him.

He is 34 years old - still young enough to perform with women.  What about when he is 44?  What will he be like to live with then?

I'm sorry that he feels like the love of your life, that makes it really hard.  For what it's worth, my feeling from reading your post is that he is being deceitful with you and then making you feel defensive when you look for answers - that's not good.

It's great that you've reached out here and there's lots to read here too.  But the best is when you talk with someone you can confide in - family, friends - it makes such a difference, it's very grounding.


December 20, 2022 8:10 am  #6

Re: How do I proceed…I’m scared


The anxiety and , lets call it what it is now, dis-trust and fear.. is what I call the horribleness of TGT (the gay thing).   In  a sentence it created anxiety and trauma... is he meeting a friend for a beer or is it a date?   Why should you have to wonder?   That fear permeates everything.   Its quite different than if you caught him watching straight porn... as least then you know you have the right parts..   With TGT  its almost like game over, disqualified..

As others said , what happens in 10, 20 years after kids..will he get bored with straight sex and seek men?
Im not saying he will..but that fear is there now.    All the anger and silence cannot sweep it under the rug now.   So sorry..  please remember we should be enough for them...we should be more than enough such that they do not need anyone else be them male or female....

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

December 20, 2022 12:33 pm  #7

Re: How do I proceed…I’m scared

32mgl wrote:

I’m full of anxiety now, my head is spinning and there are millions of thoughts running in my head.

Thanks for reading all of this, I hope to get some advice!

Hi 32,

I think this anxiety you’re feeling is your intuition trying to tell you something is not aligning. Please listen to it before to much time passes. The love we feel for our questioning partners will blind us of the truths that are right in front of us. It’s easier to look away and not question. All the clues and answers you seek are right in front of you. I know it’s a difficult situation but please question before more time passes by and the process will become even more heart wrenching. Best to you.


December 20, 2022 8:23 pm  #8

Re: How do I proceed…I’m scared

Speaking for myself, I have zero interest in gay porn and would never take photos of myself, like what you describe, let alone sell them. I also don't buy the social media rabbit hole story. These platforms run on algorithms created from what you follow, like and engage with. Sometimes these are supplemented by what other people with a similar profile to you also engage with. (I.e. the people who liked "this" also liked "that"). I've never had strip and swing clubs presented to me on any of the standard social media sites.

How open is his book of life? Do you have casual, unfettered access to any of his devices like laptops and smart  phones? Does he leave his phone laying around, unconcerned about who sees it, or any time it beeps or pings?

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

December 22, 2022 10:14 pm  #9

Re: How do I proceed…I’m scared

So let me be blunt. Straight men do not watch gay porn or have an interest in male strip clubs. Your boyfriend is unquestionably not straight.

You have to decide whether this is something that is acceptable to you. Are you comfortable having a bisexual or gay boyfriend?  Is this what you want?


December 22, 2022 10:50 pm  #10

Re: How do I proceed…I’m scared

I feel for you, 32mgl. My wife of 25 years is now planning to divorce me to pursue a life as a lesbian. She's declared her willingness to destroy our children, her family, & myself, to do this, because she "has never done anything for herself," an abject fiction, but whatever. Look, you don't want to get 3 decades deep & find yourself abandoned by the person you love most in the world because they want to lead a so-called  "authentic life." I've devoted my all to this woman & to my family, but she is willing to throw it all away to chase fantasies. Don't become me.


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