Quietone,

I have the same feeling stuck in a nightmare that i cannot wake up from.  Conversations really seem like you are speaking into the face of delusion,  everyone has been posting here about their ability to make themselves the victim, it is like reading  fiction….except it is not and the manipulation is 100% real.  Also to lie and keep lying for so many years…how do you sleep at night….my GH sleeps like a baby.  It blows my mind. 

Ohh and the tip of the iceberg…i am so tired of that as well.  I have found that the advise of observing and just thinking of your future without the stress of this is helpful.  I am working on detaching and i am trying to prepare for an exit. Why do I need to know more, i am sick to my stomach with what I already know.

I am also timing my grief, like some have mentioned here…and finding things to do to take care of me.  I hope you are doing the same and taking care of your health.

tdecker823 wrote:

I confronted him and he did not deny any of it. He also informed me that he has been doing this since before me and was relived to be found out by me.

Tdecker,
There is a lot of good advice here.  I have been in a rollercoaster for the past month and from what you wrote here, you are getting the truth that you discover in bits and pieces.  This is exactly what happened to me.  So, you have only scratched the surface.  If you dig, you will find and the truth only comes out when you investigate and discover and that is not trust and that is not loyalty which are basic in a marriage.  For my own mental health, i did not do what some people have done here.. which is dig and they have found. I found what i needed to know- he is gay has been since age 17, he lied to me, he has been watching gay porn, sexting and all the things i dont need as a married woman.  That is enough for me to know that he will never be happy with me and neither will I because we are not what each other needs.

My GH was phenomenal and now i cannot understand how he could have lied to me and betrayed me.... Also sexual orienation and him choosing you- is not a flip of a switch.  No matter how difficult this is, we have to understand that they are always going to be attracted to men... are you ok with that? are you always going to look over your shoulder.  will you be able to live life happily with all those unknowns.  My GH went to therapy and was told not to label himself and just consider himself fluid and try to get me to give him the chance to explore himself.  No, thanks.  I do not want to have extra people in a marriage, while that works for some i know what i want and what it means to me. 

Focus on yourself, take deep breaths and evaluate what you are giving up to be with someone who has deceived and that you don't really know.... because they keep a lot to themselves. If you are able to overcome the knowns you do have, then only you know if that is hap

Soaplife wrote:

Star, it really is about what YOU want now.  What is acceptable to you? What are your dealbreakers? You don't control him but you can control you.

 
Star, Soaplife is spot on,  My GH deceived me….if ai had half the information you have I would not stay in a relationship with someone because that is not the life partner I want and need.  I received TGT 21 years after married and he knew at 17 years old. 

No one can say what is right for you, based on my own bias I would say get out now…your gut is never wrong and do not ignore the red flags….Steve Harvey said in one episode- do not get into the habit of collecting red flags. .

Take care of your health and make time to do things that make you feel good.

Daisy wrote:

You are right, I am realizing that I don’t know who he is. It makes me sick, I believed and trusted him. Im still on an emotional roller coaster, I only learned that he is gay a few days ago.  It feels like a nightmare that I’ll never wake up from.

 
I am in the same nightmare and the lies are endless.  I am sure that a study one day will show that we were chosen for our empathy and compassion.  They dont deserve it.  The betrayal and deception is endless.  The more you dig, the more you find and the more the emotions get all in turmoil.  What kind of person do you need to be to deceive someone and rid them of all the facts to make a decision? A bad person, a sefish person.

We are all in the dame boat and its a shitty ride….but you are not alone and we are all struggling.  Lots of good advice here.

So mine is here and I am uncomfortable in my own home.  He is texting, sexting, probably watching porn and speaking to his new gay boyfriend while I am in the house.

It is hard to see it but you are blessed he is gone, you have no idea.  Sometimes it is hard to see the positive, but this is a positive.  A lot of us have to stay and coordinate and hire lawyers and what not just get that clean pure breathing space.  As soon as my GH enters any room i am in the energy is TOXIC.