Hi tdecker, this is certainly like being hit with a truck. What kind of counselor have you been looking for? I would suggest a trauma specialist, not a relationship counselor. You are in the shock phase, not knowing what you are dealing with or how much of your past was truth. Relationship counselors come later, when both parties come to terms with this reality and decide they will both do what's needed to make it work. If you can't find a counselor, please use the contact methods on the main SSN web page. They may know of qualified people, local to you. There may also be nearby support groups you could join. This forum can be used as well, but it's not an immediate response type of setup. Certainly a good place to unload, if the act of typing it out helps you.

I think your husband is minimizing this, trying to sweep it under a rug, which is not what you need right now. Also watch his actions closely in case he is just giving this lip service and not committing to do what he needs to do to rebuild a relationship and regain your trust.

Don't try to completely bottle this up. Talk to someone who will always have your back. They don't need to be experienced in this sort of issue, they just need to be there and listen.

Last edited by Daryl (August 2, 2021 2:41 pm)

tdecker823 wrote:

I try to talk to him about it, he says he stop sexting and now that I found out it has made him make the choice to stay with me and not look back. That's a hard thing to swallow for me. Because all these years he always had that choice and didn't take it.

You should give yourself credit for getting this insight right.  I can remember my husband taking a similar stand, as if "honesty" and "fidelity" was somehow unreasonable when he chose to marry.  

I actually think a lot of things that broke our relationship started long before my discovery, when he was secretly feeling resentment towards me for getting in the way of his sex life.  I had no clue why he seemed so angry and resentful all the time.  

tdecker823 wrote:

I confronted him and he did not deny any of it. He also informed me that he has been doing this since before me and was relived to be found out by me.

Tdecker,
There is a lot of good advice here.  I have been in a rollercoaster for the past month and from what you wrote here, you are getting the truth that you discover in bits and pieces.  This is exactly what happened to me.  So, you have only scratched the surface.  If you dig, you will find and the truth only comes out when you investigate and discover and that is not trust and that is not loyalty which are basic in a marriage.  For my own mental health, i did not do what some people have done here.. which is dig and they have found. I found what i needed to know- he is gay has been since age 17, he lied to me, he has been watching gay porn, sexting and all the things i dont need as a married woman.  That is enough for me to know that he will never be happy with me and neither will I because we are not what each other needs.

My GH was phenomenal and now i cannot understand how he could have lied to me and betrayed me.... Also sexual orienation and him choosing you- is not a flip of a switch.  No matter how difficult this is, we have to understand that they are always going to be attracted to men... are you ok with that? are you always going to look over your shoulder.  will you be able to live life happily with all those unknowns.  My GH went to therapy and was told not to label himself and just consider himself fluid and try to get me to give him the chance to explore himself.  No, thanks.  I do not want to have extra people in a marriage, while that works for some i know what i want and what it means to me. 

Focus on yourself, take deep breaths and evaluate what you are giving up to be with someone who has deceived and that you don't really know.... because they keep a lot to themselves. If you are able to overcome the knowns you do have, then only you know if that is happiness for you.