OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
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- SunflowersMan
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Re: Constant Pit In My Stomach
Lyla wrote:
The advantage you have over (probably all of) us is that you're going into this knowing the risk....so if your partner decides she doesn't want to give up being with women, at least you won't have the world-turned-upside-down shock factor. Have you two thought about seeing a couples counselor? I think it might really help you to establish healthy boundaries as you both navigate this next phase of your relationship. Open relationships are really challenging. You may also want to check out the nonmonogamy sub on Reddit where you'll find more people experienced with nontraditional relationship models. Best wishes.
Thanks Lyla, she is currently seeing a counselor and I am looking for one that may be more sensitive to our situation. Our area in the world isn't really receptive to our situation. We have talked about doing some sort of couples counseling as well. I am very thankful for her honestly and openness, and our ability to address this so early in our relationship. Thank you for your thoughtful discussion.
- MJM017
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Re: Constant Pit In My Stomach
Hi SunflowersMan,
I would suggest not to consider marriage until this issue is worked out to your mutual satisfaction.
Best of luck to both of you!
Maria
Last edited by MJM017 (August 4, 2021 2:01 pm)
No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa
- SunflowersMan
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Re: Constant Pit In My Stomach
Hi SunflowersMan,
I would suggest not to consider marriage until this issue is worked out to your mutual satisfaction.
Best of luck to both of you!
Maria
Hi Maria,
Yes, we have talked about our relationship goals and marriage and a family is a common one among us. But yes, we are definitely kicking that can down the road until we are happy with whatever this situation results in.10.1.3
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Thread Starter- Blue Bear
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Re: Constant Pit In My Stomach
The one thing you know for certain is that this woman is not straight. If you can't be comfortable building a life with a person who is not straight, then you probably need to move on.
My pain of discovering that my ex-spouse is a lesbian after 15 years of marriage, three kids and lots of personal sacrifice was horrific. Given what I went through, I would push you hard to exit this relationship, but you gotta do what you gotta do. Just remember that you're only six months into this relationship, and you sound like a patient, caring and empathetic dude who would be a hell of a catch.
Good luck.
- Daryl
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Re: Constant Pit In My Stomach
You say you are prepared to do what is necessary for this lady. I hope she feel the same for you.
I don't have experience with this exact situation. From what I've read, your chances of maintaining a mixed orientation marriage are very much related to how much honesty, communication and consideration both people give to each other.
Perhaps the biggest danger is the possibility of her developing an emotional involvement with another person. For you, it might be suppressing your true feelings at not being the star in her show.
Have healthy boundaries. Don't "Take one for the team". Don't "Man Up", instead "Open Up".
Be well.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- newtotheclub
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Re: Constant Pit In My Stomach
What do you want, listen to that gut feeling, that’s your instinct trying to warn you to pay attention. This is a huge decision you are embarking on.
I never knew about TGT,
LWH, THIS resonates with me so much and is very good advice
I also did not know TGT and my gut and my instinct was sending me signals which i ignored…a lot. Why? Because i was afraid that my gut was right.
SFL, knowing what you know, you have an advantage over some of us that were blindsided. If happiness can happen for you knowing all the possibilities that can arise, then only you know what you can handle. I believe marriage is hard without orientation differences, this makes it way more difficult.
Would I have known TGT, it would have been a definate NO for me- friends possibly- maybe best friends 27 years ago. Today- devastation.
- Rob
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Re: Constant Pit In My Stomach
"..the right word, about what she’s doing, who she’s with, and if she is going to ultimately leave me."
When my GX started seeing her girlfriend this feeling of anxiety of what she was doing..the betrayal..was she shopping or having sex? ..I would literally shake with the trauma... physical shaking I could not stop. It was definitely my body telling me what my refused to accept because "I would do anything" for my then wife. I eventually had to get medical attention to deal with it.
I don't think we should have to give up ourselves for the people we love. I dont think we should have to have insane loyalty.. Sorry I can't offer more support.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- Ordinary guy
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Re: Constant Pit In My Stomach
You seem like a really genuine person, and you have intense feelings for this woman. These feelings may be clouding your judgement in respect to your own future. You have asserted that this woman is the one for you, yet she intimates that you “may be the one” for her. If she felt as you obviously do, would she even consider engaging in relationships outside of the one you seem to value? Would you consider having heterosexual relationships with other women to balance the relationship? It is a sad state of affairs when someone like yourself is committed to making a relationship work by sacrificing that which you probably value most, your integrity. Are you prepared to spend your life anxiously looking at your watch, listening for the car on the driveway and the key in the door? Hoping that she doesn’t find an emotional connection with another woman that would surely lead to her discarding you. Love is blind. It can blind us to that which seems so obvious to others. We can no longer make rational decisions when in a limerent state. I will ask you this:
Do you want to go out and explore your heterosexual nature with other people while maintaining your love and respect for your girlfriend?
If we had known six months into our relationships what we all too sadly realise now, I don’t think we could sanction a mixed orientation relationship when it seems that your one is overwhelmingly one sided. A lot of the time it seems that they choose us because we are so understanding, loving and true. Ultimately, this is just not enough in the face of their true nature. Perhaps it is better to realise that your role should be to help her recognise herself and her true identity rather than it happens at a later date when it would be more destructive to you both.
4909 days…
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
- Ordinary guy
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Re: Constant Pit In My Stomach
"..the right word, about what she’s doing, who she’s with, and if she is going to ultimately leave me."
When my GX started seeing her girlfriend this feeling of anxiety of what she was doing..the betrayal..was she shopping or having sex? ..I would literally shake with the trauma... physical shaking I could not stop. It was definitely my body telling me what my refused to accept because "I would do anything" for my then wife. I eventually had to get medical attention to deal with it.
I don't think we should have to give up ourselves for the people we love. I dont think we should have to have insane loyalty.. Sorry I can't offer more support.
Christ Rob, I can feel your pain. That is some heavyweight psychological trauma born of the purest form of unconditional love.
You are offering full support as someone who knows where this leads. We can give of ourselves quite readily, this is the basic tenet of a loving relationship. We should never have to wholly give up our actual selves in any circumstance. If we do, then it can become the hardest task in our lives to retrieve that which we once were.
And now here is my secret, a very simple secret. It is only with the heart that one can see clearly that which is essential is invisible to the eye.
- lily
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Re: Constant Pit In My Stomach
I'm not sure why you think the way back to our true selves needs to be travelled alone, Longway.
My personal experience is not that at all and one of most valuable things was a friend who remembered me from when we were young adults.
Ordinary guy - the trouble is how can you have a successful love relationship if you are not all in?
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