Soaplife thank you so much for your response. I have my family I have talked to them off and on about things. I’m not sure they really know what to do for me other then to let me work things out in time. They feel bad and want me to feel better but my moms just mad at him and sees him as doing this to her too as she saw him as a son, so she doesn’t really like to talk about it much. She did take me shopping one day so I could get out of the house which was nice. My brothers have talked to me about it. Both were very good about it. One of them took me out for awhile the other day just so I could get out for a bit. My dad will talk to me and has tried to make me see things from my exes point of view and also see that I still have a life after this. He’s talked to me the most about it n tries to make me feel better. I do not have a close female friend to talk to. My ex fiancé has been my best friend. I tell him everything so this has been even shittier. We agreed we wanted to stay friends and we are trying to be. This way he can still see our ferret n we’ve been best friends besides fiancé’s. I’ve never stayed friends with an ex so idk even how to do it right. I still love him so calling him just a friend is crazy. I know ppl do it but idk how yet

He doesn’t put me down or treat me poorly but yes there are definitely times I feel the mindf*#%k. I’m feeling as though hes said if he could have kept his gay under control he’d still be here because he thought he could make it go away but it didn’t work so he’s gone. Gee thanks for tryin pal.  Basically he loved everything about me except my body. He didn’t say this but that’s how it feels. This makes me feel disgusting about my body. I know it’s not my fault. I’m not a dude. But inside it makes me feel gross still. His friend puts things on Facebook that are related to our situation and he laughs at it. It’s not funny. There’s nothing funny about what’s going on. I don’t brag about what I do these days or show off anything I’m doing. Even if I did go out and have some wild night I would not make a huge deal out making sure he knew about it.  I wouldn’t do that to him, I didn’t do that to my other ex either. They don’t need to know if I’m having fun without them, I care about ppls feelings. He keeps showing off what he’s doing now like his life’s so much better now without me. As if I’ve been the one holding him back or something. I know I should ignore it but it hurts me. He says he’s only going along with what his new friends are doing to keep him busy so hes not depressed. Damn he tells me he’s depressed, he sure doesn’t seem depressed to me. His depression ain’t from leaving me either. He’ll talk to me about how he is but he won’t talk to me about how I am. It’s like what I’ve said is invisible. He ignores what I’m even saying.  I told him if you r a friend a friend cares about how the other is too. This is not how he always was with me before he left here. He was always worried for me and cared. We both cared for each other n tried to make sure the other was doing ok. He asked me every day when I woke up how I slept. How my shower was. If I wasn’t smiling what was wrong. Now he could give 2 shits. Our ferret is like our daughter. She was extremely depressed when he left here. He doesn’t even ask how she is. It’s weird because I know he loves her

I don’t feel comfortable enough to talk about it with my doctor but I think I’m going to go anyway n see if he can find someone I can talk to. My thoughts r eating me alive.

I’m trying to keep myself in check, it’s not easy. My nerves are shot though.  I went out n fed the birds n squirrels again today n checked my plants. My routine. I’m trying to bring back the feeling I have of enjoyment from doing these things. Not there yet but doing it. Nice to see someone else enjoys doing this though. I enjoy drawing also. It’s something I’ve done since I was a small girl and something I did almost every night when my ex and I sat with each other. Doing the things we did together has not been easy n I avoid them. He ran off to another state. Easy peezy lemon squeezy . Nothing there as any reminders for him. New him, new ppl, new life just like that. I am stuck here with all our memories. All of his things are here. He left everything.  I have to have a drink to even touch his stuff. I’ve only gotten his clothes packed up.  I used to head to the beach when I needed to get my head straightened out but alas I don’t have the funds this time around. I could have really used it this time most of all. The beach has always been my safe place. I feel trapped here. I should have been the one that got to run away from the situation.

I want to stay friends as I don’t hate him but it’s hard to go from what we have been to what we are now. Its easy to go from friends to lovers but I’ve never tried to do the opposite.

Beijoux wrote:

I agree, Longwayhome and Daryl. The less contact there is, the better. The last month just proved that... My ankle is playing up again, and I just thought I will NOT let him drive me to a dr again. I will do it myself. And I did. The less I see him or speak to him the better... Yes once lovers, married for 30 years, and suddenly friends who still see each other? NO.... not for me.... it hurts, it puts you back and you just don't move on with your life...This forum is just amazing... wonderful people who will continue to support you  by talking to you... Hang in there...

Well done Beijoux! Taking your life back inch by inch. Thats how its done 💪💪💪

So mine is here and I am uncomfortable in my own home.  He is texting, sexting, probably watching porn and speaking to his new gay boyfriend while I am in the house.

It is hard to see it but you are blessed he is gone, you have no idea.  Sometimes it is hard to see the positive, but this is a positive.  A lot of us have to stay and coordinate and hire lawyers and what not just get that clean pure breathing space.  As soon as my GH enters any room i am in the energy is TOXIC.