OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » How could he do this

Daisy · July 28, 2021 12:35 pm

It was love at first sight when we met almost 40 years ago. I was 20, he was 23. We had a baby girl together. Things didn’t work out and we both married other people and I moved away. Two years ago he reached out to me. We talked for 3 months and we able to heal what had happened in the past. We are both divorced, realized we lived in the same town and ended up falling in love again. It was like a fairy tale how everything seemed so perfect. He was still the same kind, loving man. My friends and family loved him. He was repairing his relationship with our daughter. He was with me throughout COVID so we spent all our time together. Not a day went by that he didn’t tell me how beautiful I was and how happy he was. His friends and family and mine commented on that and what wonderful love story we had. He was so loving and he had issues in the bedroom with ED, I didn’t think too much about that since we are older. I noticed that he seemed a little homophobic. He would have a reaction if we saw two men kissing in a movie or commercial. I asked if he was gay and he laughed. About 6 months ago out of the blue he started saying things about our sex life. He said he wasn’t attracted to me. We talked about it and I did things to make it better. It seemed better but one day I received a text from him. It said he was sorry and wasn’t happy. I was devastated. We met and talked about it and he said he said he was sorry for hurting me, that sometimes he holds things in and it makes him depressed. We agreed to work on communicating better. Once again everything seemed ok. Last week he said he needed time alone, I gave him that space he needed. Monday he came over and we talked. I was so confused, I couldn’t figure out what was going on. I told him I felt so unattractive and not secure with him. He said it was him, not me. I’m a sweetheart and he didn’t want to hurt me. I told him that I had this gut feeling that he was gay. He started crying and told me he was. I asked questions and he told me he had these feeling since he was young. That he didn’t have ED, it was because he can have sex with women. He told me after his divorce he a a one night stand with a man and one other encounter with a man that lasted longer. He also tried to have a couple of relationships with women that didn’t work out. I was in one way relieved because now all of this made sense. Yet, I am reeling in sadness and shock. How could he do this to me? It was all lies from the beginning. I’m sick over this. He begged me not to say anything to anyone since I’m the only one he had told. He’s afraid of his friends, my children, my family, and his step children finding out. I’ve spent the last two days in a daze. He says he wants to still be in my life, that I’m his best friend, that he wants to still be a part of my family. We have grandchildren who adore him. He made me feel so loved and believed we had a wonderful future together until all this happened. I don’t even know what to do now, it’s beyond devastating to me. I talk to him and I don’t know if he understands the damage he’s caused. He says I go on and on about it, that we already discussed it and he can’t deal with that. It pushes him away. I don’t care at this point I need answers and will ask whatever I need to ask. I’m so angry and hurt that he could do this, I’m a mess over this.

Ellexoh_nz · July 28, 2021 2:33 pm

Daisy wrote:
........ He begged me not to say anything to anyone since I’m the only one he had told. He’s afraid of his friends, my children, my family, and his step children finding out. ......

Of course he doesn't want anybody else to know. And that is why you need to have somebody to confide in. Be it a counselor, a family member, a good friend. Don't allow him to pull you back into his closet with him, you'll find it harder and harder to get out.

Also....you don't have to tell him you've told anybody. This is your truth to tell, what he's done to you...not his

Elle

Soaplife · July 28, 2021 4:44 pm

Daisy Im so sorry you have been deceived and are being put through the emotional wringer by this person.

But you have been royally conned. So many red flags! Seeking you out after 40 years and love bombing you and your family with a fairy tale romance. The perfect man, everyone loves him.

Oh wait ... Not even two years in and he says he doesn't find you attractive? He can't get it up but his ED is your fault - and YOU have to do things to make yourself more attractive? Not quite the kind and loving man in the bedroom then? He's practically perfect in every way but hey, Daisy, you could use a little work. Nice.

And this is an Everest-sized red flag: "I talk to him and I don’t know if he understands the damage he’s caused. He says I go on and on about it, that we already discussed it and he can’t deal with that. It pushes him away. I don’t care at this point I need answers and will ask whatever I need to ask. I’m so angry and hurt that he could do this, I’m a mess over this."

For him it is all about his needs, his feelings, what he wants to hear from you. Your pain doesn't matter at all in his world.

He can SEE (your anger and hurt) but he doesn't AGREE (that you are allowed to feel that way). He certainly doesn't think he should have to explain himself to you. It makes him feel bad.

He's reeled you in, made nice and insinuated himself into the warm and loving family you have around you, figured its safe to revert to his true self and doesn't like the fallout. You are not supposed to question him. There's the reason right there that he hasnt got his own warm and loving family.

Its been a nice couple of years. But for your own sake and that of your family - now he's shown who he is, believe him and run like your hair is on fire. I'm gay is the first thing he should have told you, not the last.

You don't have to keep it a secret that he deceived you so you kicked him out. What a great example of knowing your own worth to show to your kids and grandkids, to boot a deceitful manipulative boyfriend to the kerb. Everyone loves a kick-ass grandma.

And get tested again for all STIs, not just HIV.

Last edited by Soaplife (July 28, 2021 5:33 pm)

Ellexoh_nz · July 28, 2021 5:10 pm

Daisy wrote:
....... I talk to him and I don’t know if he understands the damage he’s caused. He says I go on and on about it, that we already discussed it and he can’t deal with that. It pushes him away. I don’t care at this point I need answers and will ask whatever I need to ask. I’m so angry and hurt that he could do this, I’m a mess over this.

Take a deep breath Daisy because you hopefully get to the point where you realise that asking him questions is getting you nowhere and that you can achieve more, calm yourself, plan better without the answers. His answers are never different are they? it's always your fault isn't it? So back away, separate yourself from him emotionally (one of the best things I ever did was accept that he'd never engage with me in conversation about this topic the way I wished him to but more...I didn't need his evasive answers)

Elle

Daisy · July 29, 2021 12:43 pm

Thank you all for your advice. It’s really helping me to try and begin to understand what the hell has happened. I feel like I don’t know what is real anymore. One thing that bothers me is that why couldn’t he just tell me at the very beginning he was gay? All of us would have been very understanding and supportive, I’ve known him for 40 years, I know his friends and family. He’s always been a kind, thoughtful person, I don’t know anyone who has said a bad word about him. I’m not justifying his behavior, I don’t get it. Is it because he’s carrying his “secret”? A mental illness? How was he able to be with men and no one hears about it or sees it? We live in a small town. Now, I’m worried about my health because I have no idea what the truth is or what he’s done. My children won’t care if he’s gay, they will be angry when they find out what he’s done to me with his lies and deceit. I have no idea how to tell them yet. I need to pull myself together and deal with all the damage he has caused.

LostAtSea · July 29, 2021 2:34 pm

Daisy wrote:
Thank you all for your advice. It’s really helping me to try and begin to understand what the hell has happened. I feel like I don’t know what is real anymore. One thing that bothers me is that why couldn’t he just tell me at the very beginning he was gay? All of us would have been very understanding and supportive, I’ve known him for 40 years, I know his friends and family. He’s always been a kind, thoughtful person, I don’t know anyone who has said a bad word about him. I’m not justifying his behavior, I don’t get it. Is it because he’s carrying his “secret”? A mental illness? How was he able to be with men and no one hears about it or sees it? We live in a small town. Now, I’m worried about my health because I have no idea what the truth is or what he’s done. My children won’t care if he’s gay, they will be angry when they find out what he’s done to me with his lies and deceit. I have no idea how to tell them yet. I need to pull myself together and deal with all the damage he has caused.

Daisy, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I understand your thoughts on this. Like my STBXH, NO ONE has a bad thing to say about him. He's a kind, thoughtful and giving person UNTIL he blew up my world about being transgender and now wanting to be with a man. He has hidden his cross dressing fetish from me for 16 years, moved me half way across the country for his new job and ambused me with a phone call when I was all by myself in a lonely cold apartment on the East Coast. He has not told anyone his "deceitful" disgusting acts of hidden secret accounts, stealing money, on dating websites, and sexting married men nude pics of "herself" in makeup, wig and lingerie. I want to erase this from my memory!!! Had I NOT found these pics and dating website, till this day I probably would be his friend to help him through his transition. However I now know the truth even if it has hurt me to the core. Now "she" is living her best life being a full fledge transwoman and our divorce papers are not even finalized yet.

I have not yet told "MY TRUTH" about his deceitful action. Of course all of our friend groups I have distanced myself and block their numbers. The guys in the group are of course on his side, poor him now facing his "truth" of being trans. One of the wives reached out to me after 8 moonths. I have thought about her from time to time and we had a true friendship. I have been contempting telling my story to her; however I told myself I would not air out my dirty laundry if I ever ever got divorce because I respected myself and him. I didn't want them to pity me and I didn't want to "disrespect" him; however the "respect" is out the window here, I feel like I do want to let her know what he did so when "she" shows up they can look at "her" with disgust!

The guys are all his childhood friends and college friends, so they will stick by him of course. Nothing I say will change that however if I told my truth to the wives they can see "her" in a new light. I don't know if I want to rehash my hurt and truth to her. I keep thinking what does it matter because I will never see that group of friends again. I can't be around them as they will be around "her".

OutofHisCloset · July 29, 2021 4:31 pm

LostAtSea
It's ironic but telling, isn't it, that your STBX's friends, all of them male, will stick by their old friend, which tells you that even if your STBX thinks he's now a woman, his old friends are still thinking of him as they knew him--as a male. And at some level, they always will.
I hear you, though. The question of friends is really tough. I'd just caution you that the wife, although she may sympathize with you, may not be as demonstrably sympathetic as you'd like, simply because she is loyal to her husband, who is one of your STBX's friends. At least that how a similar situation played out for me with a couple I know. I am still friends with the woman, but I don't talk to her about my ex or my experience, and I try not to be around her husband, who is still friends with my ex.

Daisy · July 29, 2021 6:18 pm

It’s unbelievable how his secret has been like a bomb that has blown up my life. I haven’t even had time to deal with him telling me he’s gay. I have so much more coming my way with family, friends, making sure I’m tested and my health is ok, etc. Hoping I can get through this…. I don’t know if I’ll ever trust again. I feel so numb and can’t think clearly. I don’t know if he is a good person trying to keep his secret hidden while trying not to hurt anyone or some kind sick person who did this intentionally without any regard who he hurt.

lily · July 29, 2021 6:36 pm

Hi Daisy,

He is not a kid any more. Of course he knows what he's doing.

My ex - everybody thinks he's such a nice man, so kind and thoughtful and I know better. He is none of that. That is the armour he wears, it reflected my own kindness back at me but it didn't come from him.

at first I thought he didn't know he was hurting me but eventually I realised he got some kinda kick out of seeing me hurt.

Hope your's is a bit nicer than that!

Daisy · July 29, 2021 7:00 pm

You are right, I am realizing that I don’t know who he is. It makes me sick, I believed and trusted him. Im still on an emotional roller coaster, I only learned that he is gay a few days ago. It feels like a nightmare that I’ll never wake up from.

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July 28, 2021 12:35 pm #1

How could he do this

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