Hi Phoenix, 
Great idea for an article!  
     If I had to pick one thing that truly would have made healing easier, it is honesty.  I mean honesty across the board.  My ex has told different things to different people.  He gasped out an apology before actually fading in and out of consciousness, during the conversation where I confronted him in private.  Everything else out of his mouth has been about how awful I was.  To our children, to his co-workers, to friends and family.  There has been no acknowledgment of any pain caused.  Only blame.  
     His behavior is such that we have had to set up some major boundaries.  The older 3 kids don't see him at all.  The younger two still have to by court order, but desperately do not want to.  We could have worked through the pain, the change.  We had a LOT of family counseling.  But it was more important for him to be "blameless" than honest.  
     In writing this, I guess I'm saying two things:  Honesty and Acknowledgment. 

     My advice to a spouse needing to come out: 
1. Don't pretend to be straight in the first place. 
2. If you did, acknowledge that it was wrong of you to do so.  There is no reason that makes this ok.
3.  Be honest in all things.  It's where forgiveness might start. 
4.  Acknowledge that your spouse is going to weather this in a very different way than you, and that does not equal unsupportive. 
5.  You are not, at your core, the person your spouse married.     

Phoenix, I cannot imagine a GID spouse following these suggestions either, but it's worth putting out there!  I also acknowledge that these are very simple statements for a very complex problem.  My children and I have been through so much, I wouldn't wish this on anyone.  I can't believe that we could cover in an article the sick variety of harm that has been done to straight spouses and their families.  

For acknowledging the hurt and struggle:  
O My Soul:  Casting Crowns https://youtu.be/DjNZf878ISQ
Fear Is a Liar:  Zach Williams https://youtu.be/sQTnREEtuNk  

For empowerment:  anything by P!nk
Getting out of my head:  Janet Jackson: Rhythm Nation album,  cheesy musicals, some Cardi B. 

It's fun to explore new styles of music.  I was stuck in such a rut, listening to only what my ex liked when he liked it, and at the volume he liked it.   Not anymore!!! 

 

How about starting small like doing a new thing?  Or maybe there is an old thing you'd like to reclaim?  Maybe take a class in an area you have interest.  Just something to help yourself see YOU in a new light.  I'm trying to figure this same thing out!  I've had some good experiences with reclaiming things that used to be a big part of me, but I had given up.   I can't even fathom dating yet, but I suppose that's just where my self-esteem is.  

  

 At this time, I am 3 full months divorced.   My ex-husband, in October of 2016, decided to “come out” to our daughter who was 14 at the time.   And please to not tell anyone, because that could really damage his partner.  She shattered.  I really thought something traumatic must have happened.  I was thinking maybe something at school.  Keep in mind we have been an extremely open and welcoming family to LGBTQ, so when she said, I can’t tell you – it’s too personal for dad, I was able to guess that he was gay.  It had never entered my mind that he was gay.  Ever. I look back now and I see how carefully constructed that was by him.  From the beginning of our relationship, he was straight.  I would never have dated, much less married someone gay or even questioning. 
I confronted him in just a few days.  We were married 18 years.  We have 5 wonderful kids.  He is abusive.  The personification of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.   I am shaking, just writing this now, in fear of the retaliation if he sees this.  His carefully constructed world is very different from mine.  In his world, the kids are lazy, dirty, disrespectful and so much more…  All things he felt his duty to explain to them to motivate them to change.  He would say, “Well, they were!  Can you honestly tell me they aren’t?”  And point out several conversations where I “agreed” with him.  “Honestly, don’t you remember?”  Enter the “mom is losing her mind” face.  My reality is different.  The kids are amazing young people who have been traumatized in fear of their dad’s disapproval on a good day and fear of his angry outbursts on a bad day.  And for me, I had the wrong hair, wrong clothes, wrong cooking, wrong housekeeping.  Everything about our family revolved around him and keeping him happy, which he of course never was.  My cognitive abilities are just fine, thank you very much.  The first time he wanted to have me tested for early o

Kathyd, 

That "shock" response you're having is quite common among us here.  Some people call it a trauma response.  I have an emotional reaction sometimes as well.  Sometimes it's just being stuck in frozen or staring off into space, while I'm reliving some memory.  It's awful.  There is help to be had with trauma-based therapy.  It's helped my kids a lot.  
It's hard to even function some days.  And I totally agree with you, holidays are the worst!    To combat that, we have been trying some new things for holidays.  Making new memories.  It's been pretty succesful for my kids and I.