jk,
   I know you're primarily interested in hearing from those who've tried counseling post-divorce, but when I read your post I couldn't help remembering that when you have spoken to your ex about your marriage, he's always managed to make it seem as if you were (at least equally) at fault.  If you suspect that part of his "understand each other" will involve his blame shifting, then I think you're right to be suspicious.  
  As for your children, wouldn't the question of whether anything positive will result be dependent on what you and he hope to got out of it?  I think "understand each other" is a very vague basis to go to counseling on, and you might want to articulate for yourself and tell him what you want out of counseling in the way of benefits for the children.  I don't know whether you're "parallel parenting" or something more collaborative, but in the long run each of you will have your own relationship with your children, not a joint one.  
  Your fear that going to counseling will set back your own healing seems important for you to listen to.  It feels to me, an outsider who has followed your posts for a good part (but not all) of your time on the SSN, that he wants this to benefit himself.  That doesn't obligate you to agree.  Has he been able to say how he thinks this will benefit you, to "understand" him?  (I tend to think that if "understanding each other" is the goal, you could accomplish that by each of you writing a letter to the other in which you articulate what you need to say.)

Not sure what is in for the children. Your're doing a great job with them.      I feel it would be using the children who probably want no part of it..they have been through enough.  

There is definitely more hurt and trauma for you  most of all. 

What part of the word divorced doesn't he understand?

 

Last edited by Rob (May 17, 2018 8:17 pm)

    I'm glad you're feeling certain now in your decision not to meet him or go to counseling together.  If I'd known the detail of his heartless decision to spring his sexuality on you on the anniversary of your daughter''s death I would have been less equivocal and more certain in my reply; that heartless and selfish move on his part reveals you had--and have--nothing to work with.  And as you are divorced and you have full custody, you have nothing to work for or towards, a point Kel makes very well.  (It is meanly ironic to me, however, that he ended up working in a Starbucks after ambushing you in one to control your repsonse to his disclosure.)
  You have worked very hard to put yourself and your children back on track.  You went from being a stay at home married mom to a working single mother; you brought your son back from the brink, and you have created a happy and healthy environment for them.  And you did this while working within yourself to stay free of bitterness; I've always admired you and your response and your character.  I really can't bear to think of you giving your ex an opportunity to drag you backwards into turmoil that, as you say, will certainly affect both you and your children.  
 

I admire your discernment process!   Good decision.