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July 28, 2018 8:09 am  #1


how do I get my groove back?

For those who have been divorced and on your own (and even remarried again): 
   How did you get your groove back?  How did you regain a sense of yourself as a desirable sexual being after taking the hit to your self esteem and your feeling that you were desirable?  I'm struggling with that right now. 
    My sense of myself as a desirable, feminine woman is under siege from not only age and the changes to the face and body from aging (I'm 64) but from the trauma of living with my stbx as he decided that he wanted to become--and could--a sexy, feminine, pornified version of woman.  He appropriated femininity, and his version of it was horrifying (sexually submissive passive "fXck me doll" in lingerie and stockings) that it has messed with my own sense of femininity; plus; I’ve never been a particularly feminine sort—didn’t wear makeup,  wear pants, etc—but I never felt unfeminine or undesirable or not sexy.  
   Now that I’ve left the marriage and am living by myself, I’m wanting to take back my own femininity and my own sense of myself as desirable, but realizing that living with my disordered spouse really did a number on me and my sense of myself as a woman, a feminine woman, and a desirable one.  I don’t want to go out and get a face lift, or start wearing the frilly clothes or makeup I’ve never felt fit my personality.  But I do want to reclaim myself as both a woman—one whose femininity is not dependent on display-- and a sexual being. 
   Any thoughts?  Suggestions? Stories to tell?  Has this been an issue you've had to deal with, too?
 

 

July 28, 2018 1:23 pm  #2


Re: how do I get my groove back?

No answers, but I'm asking the same questions.

 

July 28, 2018 1:43 pm  #3


Re: how do I get my groove back?

I’m no expert but I’d recommend these three

Treat yourself well
Flirt
Date

The first two are reasonably easy once you are stable enough and feel a bit better which kinda comes the longer you are out of the crap. Flirting is a nice safe way (in general) to get some rapport with the opposite sex without actually dating.

The last is hard but you will at some point date someone who thinks you’re awesome whether you’re into them or not it helps you see yourself as worthy of being wanted, which obviously you are...we just lose that perspective on ourselves in these awful relationships.

Not awfully deep suggestions but we’ve all had enough intensity for a lifetime.

 

July 28, 2018 2:37 pm  #4


Re: how do I get my groove back?

Make your first dates obviously casual. No one picks anyone up or drops them back at their home. Meet at an agreed upon place for coffee or a stroll along a busy lake, beach, boardwalk. Simple stuff to break the ice. Later, if you feel any mutual connection, you can step it up a bit.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

July 28, 2018 3:41 pm  #5


Re: how do I get my groove back?

Great advice for when I'm ready to date.  But I guess I'm thinking about what has to happen inside me before I'm ready to "date."

     Thread Starter
 

July 28, 2018 5:33 pm  #6


Re: how do I get my groove back?

How about starting small like doing a new thing?  Or maybe there is an old thing you'd like to reclaim?  Maybe take a class in an area you have interest.  Just something to help yourself see YOU in a new light.  I'm trying to figure this same thing out!  I've had some good experiences with reclaiming things that used to be a big part of me, but I had given up.   I can't even fathom dating yet, but I suppose that's just where my self-esteem is.  

  

 

July 28, 2018 5:33 pm  #7


Re: how do I get my groove back?

I think for me I had to force myself to date to get to the point where I might want to date if that makes sense. The interactions, whilst awful in some ways (me reflecting on what I’d lost) were affirming in other ways that helped build self-esteem and remind me that I wasn’t the desperate soul who had to beg a man to have sex with her or ask over and over why he didn’t initiate. It helped me remember that straight men did find me attractive...they were all nice fellas, they mostly all were looking for relationships and they had bothered to dress up and show up for me.

I realise you’re talking about the internal work you need to do, but I don’t think that reclaiming your sexuality and feelings of attractiveness can be divorced from interplay with the opposite sex, because really that’s what it’s all about.

For me, other than that I worked out, made more friends, male and female (not loads I like a tight circle) and just try to make the best of my assets without looking or feeling fake.

In short, the longer I’m away from him, the more I am me and the closer I get to the person I really am and I’m sure that’s attractive to some people. And I am totally sure the same goes for you...

 

July 28, 2018 5:58 pm  #8


Re: how do I get my groove back?

Duped,
 I do understand that dating will help get me to the point where I want to date, that one way to find myself desirable again is to be desirable again.  I don't think I'm quite there at the point of putting myself out there, but I am definitely to the point where I am thinking about attraction and attractiveness.  I like the idea of "making the most of my assets," with assets defined as the things I like and value about myself, and hope others are attracted to.  My best friend has told me that me that my physical and intellectual strength, and my vitality, define me, and that there are men out there who will respond to that (and she's lesbian...).  I guess that's what I want to be reassured about: that the person I really am, rather than some false feminine front, is enough.  It's so hard to excise all the femimine/masculine baloney that my stbx was so involved in!  But I guess one thing I have to remember is that I've never lacked for male attention, and although I never followed anything up--I was married, after all--I have been considered desirable in the past, and will be again in the future, 64 and wrinkles and all.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (July 28, 2018 5:59 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

July 28, 2018 6:00 pm  #9


Re: how do I get my groove back?

Start by accepting your physical self. Don't compare yourself to how you used to look or what younger women look like now. Try to find your best features and play them up. You don't have to look like a drag queen but what do you want your personal style to be?

I've said this many times before but I'll make another plug for charity shops/secondhand stores to try out new looks inexpensively.  I like classic styles with good fabrics and tailoring. I would never afford them otherwise.

Look for handbags that don't make you look like you have all your worldly possessions in them. It will be easier on your back and improve your posture. Also good bra in the correct size - one that doesn't look orthopedic - lifts your spirits too.

When you are ready to date let your friends your age know and they may try to fix you up with men they know who are single from divorce or death. If you have been living on your own and doing home repairs that competence makes you super sexy because no man wants to feel as if you just want him to fix something.



 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

July 28, 2018 9:57 pm  #10


Re: how do I get my groove back?

out, I am 64 years old, too. And hoping for a "friendly divorce." But I am now focusing on me, making myself a priority. I am making new friends, leaning new activities, enjoying my girlfriends thru book clubs, lunches, going to movies, and I am OK. I have this "sadness" that is with me, but it lessens. I am not ready to date or show any interest in men, yet, but I am surprised I took up bowling with my friends and a man started to flirt with me.......wow.....just start doing things you enjoy doing......start enjoying activities, laugh, and you will start to attract others,  men and girlfriends.......my advice is go out and have some fun, then you will get your groove back.....

 

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