Hi all - After almost a year of trying to make it work, I just found out my bi wife has been cheating on me for a month with her lover (the woman who started this whole mess in the first place).  Needless to say, I’m devastated and not sure where to go from here.

We had just started considering the idea of a trial separation when I confronted her and she admitted the truth. She mentioned still wanting to do a trial separation, but from my perspective it’s not a trial at this point. It’s a separation moving toward divorce. Full background below, but where do we go from here? What steps should I be taking? What are some things I should be thinking about (besides the two kids)? I hadn’t expected to be here just yet. (Also, we leave for a week-long family vacation with her parents on Sunday. Fun.)

We've been married 11 years (our anniversary is actually tomorrow), and my wife came out to me as bi 11 months ago. We agreed to open up her side of the marriage almost immediately (my biggest regret, in hindsight), and she fell in love with a woman within a few months. She ended the relationship in December at the suggestion of our couples therapist, and we’ve been working through issues in our relationship and both working with individual therapists ever since.

I felt like things had been moving in a positive direction over the past few months but she recently shared with me that she’s still having trouble feeling like her head is in it 100% with me, and she hasn't really been interested in having sex with me. She said recently in a couples session that the emotional connection and intimacy she experienced with this woman was unlike anything she had ever experienced with a man. She felt like she could fully let go and trust that someone would be there to support her and think about her needs and take care of her. (From a very young age she has been the one who takes care of everyone else.)

I thought I could step up and be that person for her, but it's not a dynamic that either of us are used to and it was going to take a lot of work for us to get there. (Not to mention the fact that I don’t have a vagina.) She has said she's not sure if I can be that for her and she's not even sure if she wants that with me. But she has also said that that feeling was powerful enough that she’s not sure she can live without it.

After our experience opening up her side of the marriage, I pretty much shut down any talk of alternative relationships. I have to admit that we probably went about it all wrong, but I’m also fairly certain that monogamy is just part of who I am.

So this is pretty much where we were when she started talking to and seeing this woman again behind my back. Her trying to figure out if she could get what she feels like she needs from me and me trying figure out exactly what I wanted.

Thanks if you’ve read this far, and thanks in advance for any advice.

Dave