Thanks, Sean. I only have the experience of being a straight person, so I appreciate hearing perspectives/getting insights from "the other side."

Before I found myself in the "straight spouse network," I was one of those people who would think "how could she not know?" when a married celebrity would publicly "come out." Surely they weren't having sex. A gay man can't possibly have sex/sustain an erection with a woman. Now I know that's not the case...as many women in here—and other forums I've stumbled into—have talked of having active (enjoyable even!) sex lives before the gay bomb dropped.

That's the thing that sort of haunts me the most. My story is a little bit different than what I've come across. My husband told me he was bisexual about 9 years into our relationship. He admitted that he'd known since about puberty, but that he'd never had any same-sex encounters. I found no porn, no texts, no emails, or  apps...and since we've both worked from home for years and are together 99% of the time...there simply would not have been any opportunity for infidelity. (I did get an STD test anyway!) 

It's been close to 2 years now, and he's never asked for an open relationship or "hall pass" or simulated gay sex (as you call it) or a threesome even...In fact, it seems his attraction to men is more romantic (as I said..unusual)...which is odd because...while we've always had a pretty strong sexual attraction (since the day we met), he's never been particularly romantic...We have lots of sex, but we don't cuddle while watching a movie...or hold hands, etc...for example. So, after a few rough weeks/months post-disclosure, nothing has really changed...except for the fact that I've developed a "waiting for the other shoe to drop" syndrome....and I worry (after reading so many stories): Can he possibly be faking his way through it?...(all of the sex)...or will he (for lack of a better way to put this) grow gayer with age? (He's 36 now)

Wow..I'm r

Dutchman wrote:

We consider the "born gay" statement as it's often used, as a limitation of free will. We like to express our freedom of thought and action through choices we make ourselves, not what contemporary culture imposes on us.

I apologize if I’m misinterpreting what you’re saying, Dutchman...but this sounds like the “living a gay lifestyle is a choice” argument religious ring wingers in my country make...So many spouses here are victims of this dangerous line of thinking. (Again, I’m sorry if I’m misunderstanding what you’re saying.)

Sure—attraction to others is completely normal. But no one gets married expecting to fool around with others in a few years. I mean...what would be the point of being married? I don’t get it. Gay/straight/bi doesn’t matter. Monogamy is monogamy. Bisexuals don’t get a special pass just because they’re capable of being attracted to both spouses. Most of them agree with that. I would *personally* request a peaceful divorce if my husband ever asked me for a pass to fool around with anyone (man or woman doesn’t matter)....because the spouse that wants an open marriage is literally saying you are not enough....and I know I wouldn’t be able to get over that...That’s just me.

Breaks are good...and necessary, I think. As long as you stay true to your values and look after your own heart & well-being, you'll be fine. 
Warm wishes <3

Reading a lot of the stories in here (and other forums), the unfaithful partner very rarely confesses to more than there is discovered evidence for. Trickle-truthing, minimizing & blame-shifting are very common.

I only have the experience of being a full-time straight person—so I can't say whether or not a "gay phase" is a thing—but my instinct tells me it's probably not. Deep denial, repression, and shame are very real....and very common, though...I think that's why so many rationalize it as "just sex..." or "just a penis fetish" (I see this one a lot.) Bisexuals often lament what they call the "bi-cycle" where attraction to same-sex people is very intense at times...and muted during other times. Maybe that is what your ex-partner is experiencing....

I also think it's entirely possible that his same-sex experiences weren't enjoyable for him without the emotional element. That is true for many people (men/women/straight/gay/and everyone in between).

I totally understand that you want answers...and some sense of closure—but if you're not married/no longer partnered & have no children—maybe it's best (for your own mental health) to get some distance so you can heal from what was no doubt a pretty traumatizing experience.