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This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. The results from SSN’s Annual Summer Donation Drive are in! Together with your help, SSN raised $16,381 during our annual Summer Donation Drive! That’s 109% of our goal! Learn more about how the funds will be utilized.

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Straight Spouse Network Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by the Straight Spouse Network (SSN), a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to straight spouses and partners who have discovered that their spouse/partner isn’t straight. Your donations allow us to provide important support and resources that straight spouses can't find anywhere else.


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October 21, 2020 11:36 am  #1


Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

any theories as to why our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out and grant us (husband or wife) a divorce? 

I must have confronted my wife at least a dozen times (these past 10 years; 2010-2020) and every single time she swore up and down that she wasn't gay/lez (in fact she would get mad at me and throw huge temper tantrums whenever I used the word "lesbian"). I vividly remember telling her around mid 2014; "Listen.. it's okay if you're gay/lesbian, let's get divorced and go our separate ways" but NOPE. It wasn't until I showed her photographic (and video) evidence of her making out, caressing, hugging/touching her butch girlfriend (in a restaurant out of town) -- that she finally admitted to it

 

October 21, 2020 12:24 pm  #2


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

wow - congrats on getting the photographic evidence!  It was the same for me - never admitted even though I asked, and he would not have been in trouble with me if he had admitted it, I would just have been able to leave the marriage.

so thought number one - they are not coming out because they don't want us to leave.  

which brings up the question, why doesn't my partner want me to leave.  In my case it was pretty simple - like a hermit crab, my use to him was as a shell.   And a very comfortable shell I made too.

But, like any leaf caught in the web of a spider making a family home knows, I was getting bent out of shape.  Crushed even, not to put too fine a point on it.  So the next question that came up is doesn't he care what he is doing to me?

all the time I was married I did not ask that question, it never occurred to me to ask, he was my best friend wasn't he?

discovering he was gay in denial has hurt to the core.  but it was a great relief to finally get that divorce.

 

October 21, 2020 12:44 pm  #3


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

lily: I didn't take the pictures/video myself (thank God, I'm certain I would have done something stupid if I was there) a P.I did (which shocked me) because he seemed somewhat incompetent and aloof

lily wrote:

so thought number one - they are not coming out because they don't want us to leave.

why though? the lesbian wife isn't attracted to the male form - the gay husband isn't attracted to the female form, why hold us hostage because they refuse to acknowledge their sexuality? 

I too have been hurt to my core, I now think every single woman that I see is a closeted lipstick lesbian (I'm sure that isn't the case but that is how traumatized this whole experience has left me)

 

     Thread Starter
 

October 21, 2020 1:00 pm  #4


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

Because they don't want to be gay. And many spent their entire lives shoving those feelings deep down. They want the picket fence and the 2.5 children and the whole hetero package portrayed in books and films.

How they can justify deceiving their partners—I don't know. 

Before I knew I was a "straight spouse," I was one of those people who would quietly wonder "How could she not know?" when some married-for-decades celebrity would publicly come out as gay. After reading the stories in here (and in the "gay world"), I now understand what amazing performance artists they are...I should say *some* are...since, obviously, you had a hunch. What were some of the things that clued you in to your wife's non-straight sexuality?

 

October 21, 2020 1:30 pm  #5


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

They don't come out because they have built an elaborate, years long, carefully crafted and personally advantageous fake life for themselves.  They do this because they don't want to be "gay", and have all of the trappings of a "normal" life.

Only a completely irresponsible person would do this.  And if there's one thing that most gay spouses don't do well it's "responsibility", which carries all of those messy consequences.

 

October 21, 2020 1:43 pm  #6


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

Julian_Stone wrote:

What were some of the things that clued you in to your wife's non-straight sexuality?

sigh... I'm gonna write all the obvious signs when I'm back home later tonight. I'm gonna feel like a massive idiot too because it was/is blatantly evident that she is gay/les. I honestly can't believe all "this" (clues, signs, innuendos, hints and whatnot) went by me without me noticing it

     Thread Starter
 

October 21, 2020 1:48 pm  #7


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

rekamc wrote:

any theories as to why our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out and grant us (husband or wife) a divorce?

I think that's the exact reason my husband didn't come out....He didn't want a divorce/didn't want to quit doing what he was doing, etc.

He said he thought I'd never find out. So, another reason he didn't come out: didn't want the fallout...and boy has there been fallout. I've turned into a lunatic at times, saying...no, screaming words I've never used before, which are now part of my normal vocabulary..ugh...; and, part of that is that he's quit cheating, porn, etc. He's been 'clean' since 5/30/19, which for him is the longest he's been without having sex with a man since Boy Scouts....

The difference is that we did not get a divorce, and are trying our best not to. He's in counseling, and we'll start marriage counseling soon, after he's gotten a few issues taken care of with IC. He's trying really hard. We both know the bi won't go away, but the cheating sure can. I will NOT open the marriage. I'm just strictly monogamous; case closed. He knows this & if he can't live with it, he knows he has the option to leave. So far, he's chosen to stay. He doesn't want a relationship with a man. In fact, the ONLY thing he likes is the oral sex. He didn't even know the last name of the guy he'd been having sex with for 2 years at the local porn video store (see, no romance...just sex).
So, even though at first, he mentioned an open marriage and even thought he couldn't stay away from men & we talked divorce, he's decided that 20-30 minutes a week or two of excitement and 'bleh' the rest of the time vs. a relationship in a marriage for a lifetime of memories wasn't worth it.

So, we're taking it One Day at a Time, which is all any of us can do.... yup, it's a roller coaster ride, but we're doing better & better.

 

October 21, 2020 1:57 pm  #8


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. My situation is a little different. My husband shared his interest with me from the very beginning almost 30 years. He would watch gay porn with me. I would ask him if he was gay and he’d say “no, it’s just fun to watch anyone having sex.” He also watched straight porn. I always suspected something was not quite straight and finally when I questioned him earlier this year he admitted he is bi. I think I knew on some level our entire relationship and I honestly had no issue with him being bi. It didn’t matter to me at all until earlier this year when he said he thought he needed to explore that. Fast forward to now and we’re still monogamous and working through it all. Most days are fantastic, but some days are hard. I think I have more difficult days than he does, because I don’t think I could do non-monogamy, but I feel guilty we times that I can’t be on board for him exploring. He never asks for it any more, hasn’t for many months now. He feels this is his issue to effectively deal with within the confines of a monogamous marriage. 

I wish you the very best. 

tangled 

Last edited by TangledOil (October 21, 2020 1:57 pm)

 

October 21, 2020 3:33 pm  #9


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

rekamc wrote:

lily wrote:

so thought number one - they are not coming out because they don't want us to leave.

why though? the lesbian wife isn't attracted to the male form - the gay husband isn't attracted to the female form, why hold us hostage because they refuse to acknowledge their sexuality? 

I too have been hurt to my core, I now think every single woman that I see is a closeted lipstick lesbian (I'm sure that isn't the case but that is how traumatized this whole experience has left me)

 

yes agreed, they're not attracted, they don't want us to leave because we are their closet.  I would like to think it's because they are so upset at being gay they can't stop to recognise what they are doing to the straight but they don't turn round and go oh gosh, so sorry didn't realise I was hurting you, just thinking of myself.  courting a straight partner is not an accidental thing.  It's deliberate.  the closet is not about homophobia it is about attracting a straight spouse.  It was deliberate from the start.  If we knew they were gay we wouldn't get involved in the first place, we'd just want to be their friend.

and brace yourself.  yes there are some really nice straight women, but we are largely trampled on by the closeted lipstick lesbians when a good looking man appears.  

Yes, it sucks doesn't it, being used rather than loved.  and that in itself is hard to understand, their doing that.
 

Last edited by lily (October 21, 2020 3:35 pm)

 

October 21, 2020 3:37 pm  #10


Re: Why do our GID wives (or husbands) refuse to come out?

rekamc wrote:

I now think every single woman that I see is a closeted lipstick lesbian (I'm sure that isn't the case but that is how traumatized this whole experience has left me)

 

I think this is normal. It's impossible to come out of this unchanged....but many here have gone on to have happy, truly fulfilling relationships...with another (straight) partner...and/or with themselves. So important to be your own best friend—and give yourself time to process everything & heal.

Last edited by Julian_Stone (October 21, 2020 3:38 pm)

 

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