I just want to second Lily's excellent advice. All the divorce books estimate your standard of living will go down during/after divorce, but post-divorce (and for the first time since I met my X), I am routinely saving money and not living paycheck to paycheck. Why? because, as in Lily's case, my then-husband had opened a checking account I didn't know about at the same time as a savings account that I did know about--and then proceeded to divert money that direction without me realizing it wasn't all going into savings. A mutual friend who put him up after I kicked him out told me later that what he told her suggested he was spending it on hotel rooms and buying sex. So--I don't have hard proof, and it all turned out in the end fine for me, but I would recommend being very very financially vigilant right now. Get some professional financial and legal advice, too, to help you navigate this.

Good luck!

Yes, this really boggles my mind, as well. I, too, thought it was as simple, straightforward, and cut-and-dry as your dad. (Love that quote!) No special extra things needed in life: you committed, and then you honored that commitment. End of story. (Actually, beginning of a really great story, if commitments were honored...) I sometimes wonder if I will ever understand it, and if not understanding it means I don't have "acceptance" of what happened to me. 

I was thinking of this type of thing when I attended a Memorial Day ceremony recently that our son was a part of--there wasn't anywhere else in the world I'd want to be than at our small town ceremony watching him and his friends and our community honor veterans, and yet this person that I thought I knew (my X) felt completely fine being AWOL -- he's moved away to another town and in with another woman (!), and leaves 90-95% of the parenting and daily life up to me. I couldn't imagine doing the same thing, ever, it literally doesn't compute in my brain...

Have you read Alison Bechdel's Fun Home? That's one description of what happened in the 1960s and 1970s, pre-LGBT movement. Yes, it was definitely going on. The Straight Spouse Network podcasts also have a couple of guests who are older and speak to the world of clandestine cruising that existed before apps, websites, Craigslist, Tinder, Grinder, etc.

Bechdel suggests in FH that things should be different now, or at least they were for her coming out in the 1980s (in that she didn't feel pressured into a heterosexual relationship). But I think our experience here shows that it really isn't all that different, as much as we wish it would be. Her book about her mom ("Are you my mother?") suggests that her mom essentially felt (once she did know about her husband's sexcapades) that the secret was now hers, too, and she lived for years in fear of being exposed, even though it was an abusive relationship in other ways, and it was obviously not her secret to keep.

Also: one more ray of sunshine--our local drive in is opening for the season this weekend to show Avengers: Endgame. I'm going to get BBQ from my favorite spot nearby and go to the show, and then get ice cream at my favorite spot on the way home (if its open for the season--might be a little early). I am SO GLAD I called an end to it all. Like Captain Marvel, I'm going to emerge from the lies and gaslighting to become one of the most powerful weapons in the universe:  "I’ve been fighting with one arm tied behind my back. But what happens when I’m finally set free?"

Good morning all, 

I haven't posted in a while, largely because I am in a similar space to this thread. I'm so sorry Mimi, OnMyOwn, and all, because I know, too, how frustrating it is. My divorce isn't final for another two months, and Mr, Down-Low (my former husband of 23 years) arranged a special in-person meeting to announce to me the other day that he's met someone else--a woman! Apparently they met last August and moved in together in December, which means two things: 1) he did a total about face from threatening to commit suicide because I didn't love him/berating me that I didn't care/telling me his death would all be on me-- to jumping straight into her bed, and 2) he flat out lied during mediation about his address and expenses, filing a fraudulent financial form. That now explains why he was so calm during our mediation and when he got fired from his job just prior to our court date. It's all good, because he has a beard again, and she's paying for everything!

Well, good luck to her, because what I have pieced together is that he started cruising guys in college. By his own admission, he cheated on me with men during most if not all of our marriage and is bisexual. Plus he has over $100,000 in student loans that were only paid when I shelled out my own money to pay them, and terrible credit, and he thinks nothing of siphoning money off into a secret account for his activities. (Yes, I am a SuperChump--I paid "our" bills while he played.) A mutual friend who took care of him for two weeks during his breakdown recently confided in me that, based on what Mr. Down-Low told them during those weeks, she and her husband believe those activities include arranging sex with minors.

It's hard not to get caught up in the anger and frustration and injustice of it all. I mean, no one would believe my story, it's so crazy! But at the same time--my god, he's so pathetic and messed up--that crazy is real, and thank god it isn't mine anymore to deal with. I approached t

You all are the BEST! I am so lucky to have found these boards! 

Bentwanderer, I read your other post, and I am wishing you well, and so very impressed with your problem statement (mission statement, I can't recall what you called it--but it's GREAT IDEA!). You sound like you are taking mindful, appropriate steps toward a new phase in life that will serve you well. I am sending you all my best!

I have been on a rollercoaster of anger and guilt these last weeks waiting for the court date, but have recently begun to take some small steps toward peace again. It helps that my GID STBX has continued to act in a way that makes me think: wait, what on earth did I once see in this guy? He is so clearly messed up, full of erratic, passive aggressive, blame shifting behavior, constantly on about his hurt and pain, and shirking responsibility for his toxic actions. We appear in court tomorrow morning at 8:30 in support of our joint petition, which we did successfully arrive at via mediation, despite his surprise job loss on the day we were first scheduled to sign. I have dreaded the court day only from the standpoint of wondering if other surprises await. I have a lunch date with a dear local friend (our every other Friday routine) who knows all and is 100% supportive. We plan to have soup and a good stiff drink to mark the occasion. (And I'll probably eat a bunch of bread.) Later this weekend, I'll cheer my son on at a music performance and my sister, mom, and niece will visit. I will work on knitting a couple of sweaters I am making and enjoy the class I am taking (with new work skills to hopefully lead me to a cool new job) and I will hug my pets and I will count my blessings.

THANK YOU ALL FOR THINKING OF ME!