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February 21, 2019 3:36 pm  #11


Re: "If you're a straight spouse what am I"

lily wrote:

Hi Bentwanderer,

I think it's more usual for the gay-in-denial, or closet gay husband to be discovered rather than volunteering he is gay.

i.e. your story is fitting the trend.  I've been divorced for some time now and he is still in the closet.  

How your husband can admit he posted a nude pic on a hook up site and not be prepared to say he's gay - it's amazing to me really but I have to concede this denial thing, they way they do it so well, it's very effective for most of the time.

Mine admitted to being bisexual for two weeks - he said it made him special, it meant he had a choice and it was none of my business.  (my jaw dropped at the last one)  He went all pink and girly talking about the men of his youth, and was quite petulant in the way he said he'd been quite a catch and he clearly felt resentment towards me as if I was at fault in him using me as a closet instead of him getting it on with the boys.

After two weeks, while I said whatever he was he wasn't straight and he should have told me, he told me point blank one morning that he'd changed his mind and he was 100% straight.  

I could not get divorced fast enough and have zero nostalgia for our time together, he is not a pretty picture in the rear view mirror, and he's continued to malign me to anyone he can, it is more than just protecting his closet, it's what he likes doing.

so wishing you all the best, hope yours is nicer than mine, all the best,  Lily

 

Lilli, Thank you for your comments. I can relate to nearly all you said. It's so good for me to hear from those of you who are further along in the journey to a new life. 

Like you and the others who have commented he has claimed being bi but he has never come out to say he is Gay, although I have referred to him as gay in some of our conversations. He now thinks that he is neither bi nor gay because he has shut that whole side of himself down which means to me he is in even more full-on denial and confusion. 




 

 

February 21, 2019 3:44 pm  #12


Re: "If you're a straight spouse what am I"

Estella Oculus wrote:

Sadly, I too am in Lily's boat, almost the exact same kind of story. Mine is happy to present as though he is a loving wonderful guy who for no reason at all is being divorced -- especially in front of our 15 year old son, who doesn't currently know anything about what happened. He purports to be a liberal guy who supports LGBTQ people, but hates himself so much he refuses to acknowledge that he is in fact gay, despite having sex with men regularly since college in the late 1980s. (And basically all the way through our marriage since 1995.) And, of course, admitted he was bisexual briefly then immediately backtracked and insisted I was making up that he was possibly gay or attracted to men.

I go to court for my divorce on Friday, and will look forward to the day when my time with him is a distant, faint memory.

Estella, I wish you centered peace as you head into Friday. When it's time, would you let us know how Friday went for you? And for your son?

 

     Thread Starter
 

February 21, 2019 4:15 pm  #13


Re: "If you're a straight spouse what am I"

walkbymyself wrote:

Ellexoh, you made me giggle, which is something I needed very badly today.

I'm glad I made you smile


KIA KAHA                       
 

February 21, 2019 8:33 pm  #14


Re: "If you're a straight spouse what am I"

You all are the BEST! I am so lucky to have found these boards! 

Bentwanderer, I read your other post, and I am wishing you well, and so very impressed with your problem statement (mission statement, I can't recall what you called it--but it's GREAT IDEA!). You sound like you are taking mindful, appropriate steps toward a new phase in life that will serve you well. I am sending you all my best!

I have been on a rollercoaster of anger and guilt these last weeks waiting for the court date, but have recently begun to take some small steps toward peace again. It helps that my GID STBX has continued to act in a way that makes me think: wait, what on earth did I once see in this guy? He is so clearly messed up, full of erratic, passive aggressive, blame shifting behavior, constantly on about his hurt and pain, and shirking responsibility for his toxic actions. We appear in court tomorrow morning at 8:30 in support of our joint petition, which we did successfully arrive at via mediation, despite his surprise job loss on the day we were first scheduled to sign. I have dreaded the court day only from the standpoint of wondering if other surprises await. I have a lunch date with a dear local friend (our every other Friday routine) who knows all and is 100% supportive. We plan to have soup and a good stiff drink to mark the occasion. (And I'll probably eat a bunch of bread.) Later this weekend, I'll cheer my son on at a music performance and my sister, mom, and niece will visit. I will work on knitting a couple of sweaters I am making and enjoy the class I am taking (with new work skills to hopefully lead me to a cool new job) and I will hug my pets and I will count my blessings.

THANK YOU ALL FOR THINKING OF ME! 

 

February 21, 2019 11:23 pm  #15


Re: "If you're a straight spouse what am I"

Estella,
   You are truly a star.  I was planning to wait until tomorrow morning to send my best wishes, but don't want to send them too late for your timing tomorrow.
   My court date was in November.  It was a surreal experience, and my then husband/now ex was not there to complicate things.  I'm glad you have a lunch date with a friend tomorrow so you can "debrief".  
   I have seen others write that the true healing begins when the divorce is final, and I have found that to be true.  I didn't believe it until it happened.  His behavior--whatever it is--will no longer be your concern.  And I can tell you that you will be ever more thankful that is the case as you realize just how much it weighed on you (and you thought you already knew!).  
   Eat all the bread you want. 
  All the best to you tomorrow.  
  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (February 21, 2019 11:25 pm)

 

February 21, 2019 11:36 pm  #16


Re: "If you're a straight spouse what am I"

Estella,
Wishing you the best at court tomorrow. Praying all goes well.

Last edited by finallyfree (February 22, 2019 10:57 pm)

 

February 22, 2019 4:57 pm  #17


Re: "If you're a straight spouse what am I"

Estella, I'm not sure what time zone you're in but my thought is that by now you have been to court. My prayer is that the court process went with no surprises, no gaslighting, with respectful communication all around, and that a disposition was rendered that supports you moving forward.

I was so impressed with the number of ways you plan to live with positivity, joy and gratitude the rest of the day. 

I live in Tucson and we are accustomed to about 350 days a year of sun and warmth. But, February has been fraught (by our standards) with rain and cold. Today even snow, up to 6" in some places in Tucson, 32 inches in Flagstaff. I think I have mentioned that I don't have a car and commute 100% by bike. I also ride to keep my spirit peaceful and in gratitude. But, rain, flooded streets, and snow have kept me indoors. I was commenting/lamenting to a super good friend my disappointment of not being on my bike. She responded that her manner of living assures that if her Plan A for a peaceful spirt doesn't work for today, she has a Plan B, and C, etc. 

I applaud you for bundling your A, B, C, D into your watershed day. 

I send you my respect for your courage and commitment to your self-care.

     Thread Starter
 

February 22, 2019 5:01 pm  #18


Re: "If you're a straight spouse what am I"

Estella, I'm not sure what time zone you're in but my thought is that by now you have been to court. My prayer is that the court process went with no surprises, no gaslighting, with respectful communication all around, and that a disposition was rendered that supports you moving forward.

I was so impressed with the number of ways you plan to live with positivity, joy and gratitude the rest of the day. 

I live in Tucson and we are accustomed to about 350 days a year of sun and warmth. But, February has been fraught (by our standards) with rain and cold. Today even snow, up to 6" in some places in Tucson, 32 inches in Flagstaff. I think I have mentioned that I don't have a car and commute 100% by bike. I also ride to keep my spirit peaceful and in gratitude. But, rain, flooded streets, and snow have kept me indoors. I was commenting/lamenting to a super good friend my disappointment of not being on my bike. She responded that her manner of living assures that if her Plan A for a peaceful spirt doesn't work for today, she has a Plan B, and C, etc. 

I applaud you for bundling your A, B, C, D into your watershed day. 

I send you my respect for your courage and commitment to your self-care.

     Thread Starter
 

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