OurPath Open Forum

This Open Forum is funded and administered by OurPath, Inc., (formerly the Straight Spouse Network). OurPath is a 501(c)(3) nonprofit that provides support to Straight Partners and Partners of Trans People who have discovered that their partner is LGBT+. Your contribution, no matter how small, helps us provide our community with this space for discussion and connection.


BE A DONOR >>>


You are not logged in. Would you like to login or register?



June 4, 2019 4:32 pm  #1


Marriage Counseling - endings

I  am 54 and about six months out since my husband of 28 years was caught in a flurry of same sex encounters, including at least three that resulted in STDs.  He did not practice safe sex - I have been tested (and passed) but am still sad about his reckless disregard for my safety.  He swears he is not gay, might be a little bisexual or sexually fluid (im skeptical).  I have initiated sex probably 75 percent of time through most of the time we have been together, and we could go a couple of months even before this. . We are living together (in an odd zombie marriage state) because we have a home we need to sell and financially we are linked for a while.  I have finally reached a point where I was coming to terms with fact that I was going to move on, cautiously optimistic, yet I want to hear sorrow from him.  He says he wants to stay together (he is pleasant and going through motions) and is in therapy (as am I) and we are in marriage counseling.  I find myself wanting to be talked out of ending the marriage - why?  I guess I am afraid of being alone in the future.   
I was hopeful when I thought of leaving, but I am so sad that my husband can’t even try to persuade me to stay except to say that he does chores around the house and is nice, how could I not think that is love?   My self esteem is just devastated.

 

June 4, 2019 5:25 pm  #2


Re: Marriage Counseling - endings

Hi, sorry, I know how much it hurts and how daunting it is to face being single again, but rather than suggest you stay I am going to suggest you seek advice as fast as you can on how to separate financially - when you say you are linked financially of course you are but to whose benefit?

One thing I realised down the track was my ex had been siphoning money out of our joint account into one he had opened secretly from me.  And he'd been doing it for a long time and then when it all came out and oh maybe we should get divorced he started taking even more.  And the stories here often include such things, the gay one wanting more than their fair share in the division.  Spending lots of money preceding the financial split, hiding funds and so on, it is a difficult time.  They have always been living with the possibility of this happening whereas you've just found out.

if you ever wonder if he isn't gay just turn it around - you're not sitting there at night thinking I just have to get out there and have sex with another woman are you, unthinkable isn't it.  straight is straight.  same sex attraction is not straight.

you are still young enough to find a real partner and I wish you lots of good luck, but anyway I have to say that even though I remain single my self esteem has been steadily repairing from the moment I left.

Last edited by lily (June 4, 2019 5:26 pm)

 

June 4, 2019 8:14 pm  #3


Re: Marriage Counseling - endings

I just want to second Lily's excellent advice. All the divorce books estimate your standard of living will go down during/after divorce, but post-divorce (and for the first time since I met my X), I am routinely saving money and not living paycheck to paycheck. Why? because, as in Lily's case, my then-husband had opened a checking account I didn't know about at the same time as a savings account that I did know about--and then proceeded to divert money that direction without me realizing it wasn't all going into savings. A mutual friend who put him up after I kicked him out told me later that what he told her suggested he was spending it on hotel rooms and buying sex. So--I don't have hard proof, and it all turned out in the end fine for me, but I would recommend being very very financially vigilant right now. Get some professional financial and legal advice, too, to help you navigate this.

Good luck!

Last edited by Estella Oculus (June 4, 2019 8:16 pm)

 

June 4, 2019 8:19 pm  #4


Re: Marriage Counseling - endings

Also, after admitting in dribs and drabs over decades that he has basically cruised guys in college (before he met me) and cheated on me with men throughout at least half our marriage, my then-husband insisted to my face he was completely straight and I was making it up that he was gay. As my friend (mentioned above) said later: I don't know what you are, but you are definitely not straight.

 

June 5, 2019 2:07 pm  #5


Re: Marriage Counseling - endings

MomOfFour, I'm so sorry for what you're going through -- but I love your turn of phrase "zombie marriage".  

And Lily, yeah, with the secret bank accounts ... I coulda written that all about my STBX.

 

Board footera

 

Powered by Boardhost. Create a Free Forum