Thank you for starting this "thread". As I mentioned in an earlier post, I am a South-Asian woman who was raised to believe that females (girls/women) are inferior to males (boys/men). So, by the time AJ expressed an interest in me, I believed I had won the lottery.
Of course, I let him do as he pleased, believing it was "normal". Normal to not expect to have our wedding anniversary celebrated or ever remembered by him. We had chosen the Canadian Thanksgiving weekend because it would allow family members & friends to attend. As it happened, his father made the last-minute excuse to not attend (though we had sent money for their flight from England); I don't know if the money was ever repaid.
I cooked, cleaned, and held down a full-time job, while attending college part-time during the first couple of years of "marriage". But it seemed imperative that we have children; after the 4th miscarriage, early during the 5th pregnancy, I resigned from my full-time job.  I embraced motherhood full-time, still cooking, cleaning, volunteering my "free-time", when they were young. Fully supported his career aspirations, even when that meant he would be overseas on extended business trips. And when I realized he didn't have time for family vacations, I scheduled them with the business trips. Our children were able to visit Britain, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, France, Portugal, and parts of Canada while he was too busy to schedule time off work.
I think the most devastating is that he always had some excuse to not support my return to post-secondary school to realize my passion for teaching.  The result is that I had to cash in RRSPs to finance that after he left. And by then, I had to deal with not only the racism, but "ageism".  So, while our children tell me that he is enjoying life in Nice, France in semi-retirement (yes, he made sure to squirrel away a lot of money), I am having to work a part-time, minimum-wage retail job.
Do I feel angry? Not really, rather, I feel sad that I was so stupid, gullible, & naive to believe I married a man much like my own father. My father was a very charming man to outsiders, not caring of his own children or wife... I should have recognized the signs....  So now, I encourage young people to pursue their passions before they "settle-down"....
I attended a 4-day retreat recently, cried much and was very hurt when I was told that I was "allowing Satan too much power over my feelings."  Of course, the person who told me this is in a satisfying marriage, and though I have confided in her about the MOM I was in, she clearly is clueless of the hopes & dreams that have been dashed....
Mimi, I too was convinced there was something physically wrong with me, that I was "too sexually needy". At one point, I was working out at the local Y for 6 days/week (4 hours/day)!!  It seemed the only way to work off the "energy".  He just seemed not interested unless I was in the fertile stage for a few days per month. And I knew I did NOT want another pregnancy.
adsj, I also wish I had sold the house as part of the "settlement", but the children had all of their friends in the neighbourhood and I remembered how difficult it was for me to make new friends as a 13yr-old immigrant. I needed to know they would have some stability. Now that they are adults (it has been 19 years) and I am having a lot of difficulty getting motivated to prepare it for the market. Fortunately, I have a realtor who is very understanding.
Lily, I too like "gardening". Today, with the temp at about 12C, I was able to dig out some weeds; and did that ever feel good! It has been a very long winter. This house has a mixed blessing in that it has a very large pie-shaped back lot. When we saw it in 1987, I did not want such a big back yard, but he insisted it was "our dream home to be enjoyed until we die". In a nice quiet neighbourhood, on a court, a Catholic school close-by, close to a shopping mall.  He agreed that he would tend to the back, while I could focus on the front. Meh, who knew that he would "bail" in 13 years?  While I do like the serviceberries, raspberries, pears, maintaining is physical work.  The squirrels, wild rabbits and the skunk (yesterday) seem to also enjoy the property more than I.
Whirlgig, I also have difficulty trusting people. When a person extends an invitation for tea or coffee, I am reticent to accept because I wonder, "Why would you want to spend time with me? I haven't anything to offer."
I had a really nice visit with my children yesterday, for Mother's Day. Don't get to see them too often, because their work schedules seem opposite to mine. Son (29) wants me to sell the house and move to a condo in the city near him, "so he can help me as I age". I am only 61, quite healthy, not crippled!!!
Anyway, thanks for starting this thread,...

This is wonderful! You're so great, OMOTF!

Sorry, I have been off the boards often because this is also a busy time for me and--well, I don't know what to say a lot of times. The fact that it's the same sad story over and over again--sometimes it wears me down, and I can't even find benefit from trying to hold others up.

Two things on my mind:

1) Similar to what Rob posted: how to handle telling people who are long time friends but not close friends. When one was visiting two weeks ago, I glossed over the cheating and just talked about all the lies and secrets and that I no longer felt safe with this person because I didn't trust him. And I noted he blocked me from having access to his doctors and blamed everything on me and was suicidal for months. This is all true, but I just end up feeling like it makes me sound like the crazy person when I say: hey, I don't even really know or have any good proof of what the story is here.

2) I'm really angry that he is all super nice-nice on the surface to me now, as if nothing at all happened. It's all--let's pretend this never happened, and look at me, I'm such a model ex-husband! Hey everybody--I'm super nice, and she's crazy! Meanwhile, whew, so much manipulation built into all those "nice" actions. He sent me a mother's day card--but I don't even have thick enough skin right now to open it and deal with it. Trying to decide when and how to approach it...

So, that's where I'm at. I really don't want to descend into bitterness, but I am not sure how to transition out of this place I'm in right now.

Thanks for contributing all!