Why do you believe you "have to" keep his secret, though?

I hear ya, Mimi.  I still have days where I swear about my ex (in my car, alone at home) for the costs to everyone, especially the kids. It was all so unnecessary if she had been honest with herself.

What’s ironic is she prided herself on her honesty and transparency. I’ve learned that the feature of personality some people  boast about are sometimes what they struggle with the most.

I am currently swinging between sheer exhaustion and incredible anger and crying uncontrollably.  I thought it was bad at the beginning, but lately—the last 3 weeks or so—just awful awful awful. In the past, I could come here on the SSN boards and read something, write something, have my day taken over like usual by the working through all the feelings, and know I was not myself at all.  But lately:  just no coherence.  Like less than before.  Or the same but slightly more aware? Or maybe less aware.  Who knows. Just utterly exhausted from it all.  Feel like a wounded soldier dragging her wounded, scraped dirt-and-blood-caked body over the edge of the trenches, hoping to find something safe in there.  Knowing it is not home yet, but maybe a place for a 10 min nap, or a break from the battle, or a friendly person for a minute before the fire breaks out again?  Definitely I am under attack.  My husband is pulling out all kinds of emotional attacks, and the worst are the passive aggressive ones, or him as victim and me having to defend myself as “not bad” after being attacked in the first place.  I think this might actually be an increase in the attacks as he senses losing control? Like, the most dangerous time for an abused woman is when she leaves or is about to leave?

Agreed that they really seem to up the crazy sh** when they feel they are losing control. As much as I believe my GH wanted his gay life, I don’t think the really believed I’d ever part from him. 

I’m working on this daily!  I’m getting out of this “fake marriage” to save my soul!  Honestly, when I get adjusted to being alone, it couldn’t be too much different.  He’s never been present emotionally, or physically either for that matter. I’m ready to Set Myself Free!!!!

Good morning all, 

I haven't posted in a while, largely because I am in a similar space to this thread. I'm so sorry Mimi, OnMyOwn, and all, because I know, too, how frustrating it is. My divorce isn't final for another two months, and Mr, Down-Low (my former husband of 23 years) arranged a special in-person meeting to announce to me the other day that he's met someone else--a woman! Apparently they met last August and moved in together in December, which means two things: 1) he did a total about face from threatening to commit suicide because I didn't love him/berating me that I didn't care/telling me his death would all be on me-- to jumping straight into her bed, and 2) he flat out lied during mediation about his address and expenses, filing a fraudulent financial form. That now explains why he was so calm during our mediation and when he got fired from his job just prior to our court date. It's all good, because he has a beard again, and she's paying for everything!

Well, good luck to her, because what I have pieced together is that he started cruising guys in college. By his own admission, he cheated on me with men during most if not all of our marriage and is bisexual. Plus he has over $100,000 in student loans that were only paid when I shelled out my own money to pay them, and terrible credit, and he thinks nothing of siphoning money off into a secret account for his activities. (Yes, I am a SuperChump--I paid "our" bills while he played.) A mutual friend who took care of him for two weeks during his breakdown recently confided in me that, based on what Mr. Down-Low told them during those weeks, she and her husband believe those activities include arranging sex with minors.

It's hard not to get caught up in the anger and frustration and injustice of it all. I mean, no one would believe my story, it's so crazy! But at the same time--my god, he's so pathetic and messed up--that crazy is real, and thank god it isn't mine anymore to deal with. I approached this at first with the mindset of compassion, that I (and my family!) wanted to support my husband coming out, but now I see that even that is wasted energy, because he literally cannot live with himself. He is either breaking down/suicidal when he's alone because he feels exposed or hiding behind a woman. What can you do with a mess of a person like that? Add to it that he has periods of joblessness and repeated firings (for I don't even know what--he'd never say) and ... well, it looks like he's going to run his time out on earth and, like his father before him, leave few mourning his passing. 

When I think of it from that perspective, I start to feel a bit less angry and a bit more relieved to be done with all this and moving on. I hope you can find yourself feeling that way, too, in the coming days, Mimi. You have and will offer the world so much more--

Peace and strength to you!

Last edited by Estella Oculus (May 1, 2019 7:03 am)