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Support » Angry at him and myself » October 4, 2019 9:16 am

vicky
Replies: 8

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I didn't say anything to him.  As mentioned by others and myself what is the point.  He has been working hard on our business of which we are both owners, he's a lot of things but lazy is not one of them.  I can't help wondering what he is up to on the computer, I tried to snoop a bit but he is probably using a vpn to hide what he's doing.  I have a question for anyone who is tech savvy.  Why use a VPN and not a hidden browser.  The only difference I can tell is that a VPN hides activity from outside users and lets you visit sites banned by your government.  An incognito window only lets you hide from people within the house (not from governments or Google) and also doesn't let you visit restricted websites.  He watches a lot of porn, is it to have access to a wider variety of porn?
 

Support » Angry at him and myself » October 3, 2019 5:18 pm

vicky
Replies: 8

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Hi Adsj
I guess we could but since he would then have no job I would need to still support him.  Then his income would be less than mine so I'd need to pay child support and spousal support as well so I'd be pretty damn poor.  I think a lawyer visit is in my future.  I've never heard of a divorce coach so I'll need to check on that one.  No business mentor but I'm sure a lawyer would be able to figure it out.  It's been a long struggle with this business so I don't want to throw in the towel on it.  Besides the business I'm so fucking mad at him and I can't do anything about it today.  I mean what are the chances he's going to a gay hookup site to exchange cookie recipes. FFS

Support » Angry at him and myself » October 3, 2019 4:08 pm

vicky
Replies: 8

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Hey,
I'm a dumbass.  Today I found a gay bi hook up site on his computer again almost 4 years after the first time.  WTF.  So mad i was shaking.  I'm stupid and I knew he would never be honest with me.  I need to see a lawyer and figure this out.  But our lives are intertwined with a business that does not at the moment make any money but is likely to be very profitable in the future.  We've invested a lot of money into it and I've been financially supporting him this whole time.  If I leave him he will need to dissolve the business due to not being able to support himself and I will lose a lot of money.  I am in a really bad position at the moment.  Do I spill the beans that I know and let him lie to me and cover up with excuses because visiting a website is not proof of cheating so he'll just lie and say it was a pop up.  
Vicky

Is He/She Gay » What were red flags 🚩 to you ? » September 6, 2019 8:53 am

vicky
Replies: 49

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No red flags for me.  I agree hindsight is 20/20 though and I can sit here and over analyse it but nothing would have suggested it for me.  I found out because I saw a website on his computer for discreet gay/bi men.  That wasn't so much of a red flag as it was a wrecking ball.  
I did write a post several months back titled commonalities you can search for it.  These are things I've observed through other peoples posts that seem to be common elements among our spouses but as a straight person you would never consider them red flags, your mind just doesn't go there.
Vicky

Support » Found after Deceased » August 26, 2019 9:01 am

vicky
Replies: 35

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Hi shocked.
I would think twice before I shared this secret with anyone else.  You can't undo it and after the shock has worn off you might regret it.  Try to think 5 years from now if that's how you want people to remember your dad as a closeted gay man or as the man that you knew growing up?  

Try reading this article maybe you can find some clarity there.  https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/love-and-sex-in-the-digital-age/201412/is-your-man-gay-straight-or-bisexual

 

Support » Stuck in this place » August 15, 2019 7:05 am

vicky
Replies: 10

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Hi Daryl, 
Yes I am in Ontario.  I am not convinced the threat is real.  We're talking about someone who is used to manipulating me with my feelings.  I'm inclined to think he's trying to make me feel sorry for him to get my attention and sympathy.  I have seen a psychologist before and she told me he's emotionally abusive, which is a bit of a hard pill to swallow and I have trouble accepting that as being true.  I tried to leave him a few years ago and I told my family I was and not one of them said I should try to make it work.  They don't think he's very nice to me (or them).  I think there's something to what the psychologist was saying but it's not overtly terrible enough that I can't deal with it and get by.

He just sucks me back in every time, plays the victim, I'll feel like the bad guy breaking the family up and I'll cave.  I just need to figure out how not to cave this time.  I already feel like the bad guy, I keep looking at my kids and feeling guilty that they don't know the shitstorm that's coming, that they're happy little bubble of home, friends and school is about to burst because of me when I could just suck it up for a few more years until they're older to get through this last bit and then finally do something about it.  I'm just tired of dealing with it.  He needs mental health help.  Last time I tried to leave him he made an appt and went (one time) to see a psychologist and promised to change his ways.  It lasted for awhile but now it's all the same as it used to be.  I am not even sure it's me he's so desperate to hang on to I think it's the kids. 
Right now we're barely speaking, and if the pattern remains the same as previous times, he'll crack first and ask me to talk about it, plead with me, as if he's being punished for something, that I am over reacting, making a big deal out of this thing.  That he never means to act like this, that he just gets frustrated, that's all.  That he's stressed, that he is unhappy that he's

Support » Stuck in this place » August 14, 2019 11:04 am

vicky
Replies: 10

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Thanks.  I've decided to see a lawyer and find out what my options are and make a plan.  I am fairly certain it would mean selling the house and moving the kids to a new school.  Something I desperately don't want to do since we moved 3 years ago.  He never considers anything his fault so I will be blamed for this I just hope the kids don't see it the same way.  It's just tough, this has happened before, a big blow out then he goes on best behaviour and then it blows over.  I am at fault for letting it blow over but I hate the thought of the upheaval and the kids being in the middle of it so it has always been the path of least resistance to keep going the way things are until the kids are older and I have no more obligation to them.

Daryl, I am not sure there is much to worry my gut says he's unlikely to do anything directly to me but I do worry about him doing something to himself, and if he did I'd live with that guilt forever.  I'm not convinced he has it in him to go through with hurting himself but he has blurted it out before that he's depressed that he just wants to kill himself.  I don't even know what I could do to stop it if he did decide to do anything other than keep an eye out and be aware.  

Support » Stuck in this place » August 13, 2019 1:34 pm

vicky
Replies: 10

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I've been coming to this site since 2016.  I have been on the fence for over 3 years now on what to do.  Our kids were very young at the time and I didn't want to break up our family so I decided to stay and make do.  Fast forward to today and not much has changed.  At the time of discovery he denied everything and no matter what he said and did he maintained for about a year that he was straight except for a time when I said maybe he's slightly not straight and he sort of nodded in agreement.  Except I don't actually believe that its 'slightly'. 

The thing is I am able to maintain the way things are if it wasn't for him.  He's incredibly selfish and if you've ever heard the term emotional labour I can say that I carry most of it in this household.  He's often miserable, like today when he threw his cell phone and was yelling swear words (because I took too long at the store when he was at home and wanted to leave; I was gone 1 hour running an errand for his business and I stopped at the store directly beside to do one additional errand??? wtf) his rages are usually excessive for the situation which causes me to be stressed out because I can usually sense that he's about to go off on one but when I got home even I wasn't expecting him to fly off the handle that much.  I am always stressed out, like if I am doing something I am not sure what to expect from him, is he going to flip or is it going to slip by.

He uses excuses like he's tired to get out of household chores etc (I work the same # of hours as him).  I do nearly everything around the house.  I nearly broke down crying the other day after I'd spent the day cleaning and came into my room to see a giant pile of laundry that I forgot needed to be folded.  If there's something to be done I take care of it.  It all falls to me.  I'm exhausted.  Then I go to bed at night and I don't even have a physical connection to him, he sleeps with his back to me every night, rarely does he instigate sex even

Is He/She Gay » My stupid plan » August 13, 2019 1:07 pm

vicky
Replies: 15

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Trance, just in case you don't know this is called a mixed orientation marriage.  You can find some support groups online I can recommend yahoo groups has MMOMW.  Good luck to you

Is He/She Gay » My stupid plan » August 12, 2019 10:48 am

vicky
Replies: 15

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Hi Trance.  
I agree snooping is poison.  My advice is to confront her.  Second piece of advice is to email her and lay out all of the evidence you have and hold nothing back and demand the truth.  Stay calm and reasonable as hard as that is.  My reason behind the email is they will be on the defense and twist and warp everything, you forget what you wanted to say or they twist it around on you and you're at a disadvantage because you're emotions are running high.
Once they get caught up in lying they can't bring themselves go back and say that oh actually you're right I've been lying all along, they keep trying to reinforce the lie with more lies.  The best you can hope for is if you lay it all out in the email she'll realize there is no point in trying to lie and come clean.  Also because this is written and all documented be careful not to say anything you wouldn't want someone else to read...like a judge if it ever comes to that.  Good luck.
Vicky

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