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September 2, 2019 8:46 am  #1

What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

I am wondering what all red flags made y’all start wondering about your other being gay? What should I look for to know? I have some major red flags but would like to hear from others please.


September 2, 2019 4:06 pm  #2

Re: What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

I didn't see any red flags before "coming out".

Well, of course, when i remember things now, i could tell that one or another thing could be a red flag, but, to be honest, - not everyone would expect their spouse is gay just because of something.

Many of them would hide their inner gay for decades. Then there would be psyhological problems, personal/work problems, health problems and then - enlightment. It's pretty hard to see corelation of this. I even asked my spouse at some moment, if she's gay while trying to understand, why we don't have intimacy. The answer was "no": "it's because medication/lost job/earn too little/self esteem/don't feel loved/tired of household" etc.

I don't think you should search for more proves, that he's gay. As a straight man i could tell that i don't think about sucking toys, lurking on gay porn or ever wanted to do threesome with bisexual/gay man. No straight man (doesn't matter how kinky he is) would want such variety of gay things.

Last edited by morpheus (September 2, 2019 4:07 pm)


September 2, 2019 4:33 pm  #3

Re: What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

There were many over the years of my long term marriage but the major ones were:
-finding him sitting naked in front of the computer
-finding nude pictures of his “package” on the computer (more than once)
-always wanting anal sex

When asked my ex always denied being gay. After the discovery of the last batch of photos my ex suggested he might be bi. He came out four months later.

They always say hindsight is 20/20 and it definitely was for me. When I started dissecting things that I thought were odd at the time they occurred they made perfect sense once he came out.

His mother actually said upon meeting me that she was glad he had a girlfriend because she thought he was gay. This was brushed off at the time as a joke. When my ex came out he told me that he knew since high school that he was gay. I think his mother knew or suspected something.


September 6, 2019 8:53 am  #4

Re: What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

No red flags for me.  I agree hindsight is 20/20 though and I can sit here and over analyse it but nothing would have suggested it for me.  I found out because I saw a website on his computer for discreet gay/bi men.  That wasn't so much of a red flag as it was a wrecking ball.  
I did write a post several months back titled commonalities you can search for it.  These are things I've observed through other peoples posts that seem to be common elements among our spouses but as a straight person you would never consider them red flags, your mind just doesn't go there.


September 23, 2019 7:32 pm  #5

Re: What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

1. Your gut says something is "off".
2. In any settings that involve other men, where his eyes rested the most and what body part he rested them on. Men were the first he looked at and his eyes always grazed their chest and backside.
3. The number ONE lookout:  Eye contact with other men. He always tried to make, hold and would adapt a dreamy/heavy lid look to get their attention.
4. The smirk. The small 'knowing' smirk half smile when he caught their attention and the same came from the men who were into the 'disgusting game'.
5. The nod. A slight nod came next from either or both. (More defined than a normal polite nod and involves the eyes.)
6. The spin. They may turn to do a double take and try to recapture the moment or look for other signals.
7. The crotch grab or quick scratch. This comes with eye contact and can be a signal for the type of sex they are looking for.
8. Running fingers through hair and looking away after eye contact. Eyes looking possibly in the direction to meet. Another signal.
9. Tail feather: One hand finger flutter by rectum to signal they are a 'bottom' and like to be entered. Also sudden pant pull up from the back is another 'bottom' signal.
10. Lingering. Parking lots, Malls, and most recreational parks they will use these as hookup areas if they are not using mobile gay apps. If they are parked they will dangle one arm out the window and twist the wrist as an open sign for 'play'.
11. 'Hand in the pocket' One hand in the pocket while walking around trying to catch other signals and eye contact is the new norm. Once another mimics, other signals are given. 
12. Limp dick. (Because you don't have one)
13. Gay Porn/Pix
14. Computer/phone secretiveness. 
15. Bad Breath. Rancid actually. This is because they are a nervous wreck and men who 'take in' other mens privates/ejections and so forth emit a foul odor since the body doesn't accept it as normal.
16. Understanding of any gay humour or 'inside' jokes that may be oblivious to the straight spouse.
17. A tendency to make friends with similar shady behaviour, but keeping those friendships discreet.
18. Disappearances that are unexplained but lots of support for you to 'disappear' on vacation etc where they can engage themselves without worry.
19. A touch of homophobia, but only to ease your mind. ex: "I hate the gay/pedophiles etc in the church" but they continue to support that church or use that as their only excuse to leave. 
20. Sexual weirdness overall. Drunken knees to the chest, fascination with anal, giving/receiving or tonguing. Lousy kissers..really lousy. Nothing natural and smooth. Everything is almost robotic.    

I could go on but these are many of the things I noticed while playing the innocent and trusting female while looking for the signs.
You'll see a pattern regardless of what you look for. I come here occasionally to help and support others because I know what a nightmare that is to go through. I'm so glad I freed myself and heart from that kind of relationship.. 
However I notice on here a trend to focus on gay men only when the problem is MSM! (Men who sleep with other men.) The majority claim to be straight and will not fail to hide their activities and put all at risk until death! These are men who don't identify with being gay or gay men. They just want the gay sex! But it's all the same and they should be treated as the same when it comes to the labels they ignore. 
The bottom line is that it doesn't matter if one is gay, straight, trans, bi, fluid, curious, f'd up or whatever..
what matters is if they are deceiving others to hide their identity and putting them at risk.
Unfortunately straight people have had to suffer just as much if not more at the hands of liars.
We need to be vigilant to know their game to avoid them and save our loved ones from falling into the same trap. 
This should be global. 

Last edited by Scrupulous (September 23, 2019 7:34 pm)

Life is like phases of the moon.... We really only see it when it's beautiful, full and in our face. 

September 24, 2019 9:08 am  #6

Re: What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

I didn't understand the "red flags" until after it was too late.  Too much of them are subjective -- they're behaviors that could have numerous innocent explanations.  My husband would go out and stay out all night, and I assumed he had a drinking problem.  I knew at the time that bars in our city typically gave last call by 2 a.m., so I could never figure out why he would be out till five -- his explanation was that he was a "night owl" and he just liked walking around at night.

So I guess the first real red flag was when he called me hysterical in the middle of the night of my 50th birthday, not to wish me happy birthday, but to tell me he had HIV.


September 25, 2019 12:07 pm  #7

Re: What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

Here are some of the little red flags that I experienced. Seems like there were many that seemed subtle at first and then an accumulation that one could not ignore.  In brackets I have some of my questions, doubts, and my justifications.  It was all so crazy.  The gut will trigger a response but the brain will often deny it.

At the beginning there was a touch of homophobia. Not wanting a prostate exam, even though he was over 50. Yes, he did go to the MD for yearly physicals.  Didn’t want anything near his anus, not even a suppository or enema for colonoscopy. Made an issue about it .  Disgust about gays, (But aren’t straight men repulsed by this?, I thought. What’s the deal, a Fleet Enema isn’t a big deal. He did comply w/ the colonoscopy. Why make it a big issue)

Preparation H. (But normal people have issues. He never mentioned having this problem.  So, he has hemorrhoids or rectal irritation. . Why hide it in the cabinet? Okay this is a private issue for him. I’ll respect that)

Sleeping in separate beds for 15 years (okay, some loving couples sleep separately, right? They sleep better that way related to snoring, hogging the blankets, schedules.  I read about that, so it must be okay.  The spark is gone? I just want to be held, touched. Why doesn’t he?)

Lack of intimacy (what happened here? I am still attractive physically. Aren’t my needs important? So apparently he doesn’t have needs? Is it male menopause?  It wasn’t this way at the beginning of our relationship)

Unable to have/hold an erection. He brings up a cock ring from downstairs to use. (What happened here? Never had this problem before, the last time we tried to have relations although it was quite some time ago. And where the heck did he get this device and why? OMG!  And I guess, the cock ring did not work anyway for us.  It must be due to some medical problem. He’s healthy-no diabetes, heart or BP issues.  Told him to tell his MD about it and he never did. Hmm, forgot. Apparently that wasn’t an important issue.  ED is not a problem to him. He’s okay with being asexual?  But hey, you can get Viagra. Maybe too embarrassed to tell the MD, straight men may be too shy/pride to discuss this w/ MD)

Unable to have an orgasm (he didn’t have this problem before, so what’s the problem here? Am I not desirable?  This is now the norm. Why? This is odd.)

Says he relates to females better than males. Has female friends, few male friends. (Okay. He has had Male friends from his work, but not one male friend that he hung around with. I’ve seen him talk with males, so what’s his problem?)

Voice change. Speaking softly. (What’s with this? Speak up, I can’t understand him.  He can speak louder when he’s upset w/me.)

Ordered me lingerie- lacy bra, cami, and panties, WAY TOO LARGE for my petite body. (Oh, this is so out of character for him to buy me clothes, no less intimates. What is wrong w/ him, thinking I am this large!  He already had snipped off the cloth tags on the garments. Why did he do that?  I showed him how I was swimming in it. Yet no offer to return this for an appropriate size. Why? I can never wear this. Like a chump, I said, I can maybe sew this smaller. I didn’t, just put it in my underwear drawer, never wore it, and thought he was stupid and uncaring.)

He does have one male friend that he has called from time to time since retirement. His friend is married. I overhear the conversation on his end. Seems like J....teasingly calls his friend gay in a joking manner.  Heard this on several occasions. (Okay, don’t teenagers joke like this? But adult males? Just what is the need to joke like this, about being gay, to talk about gays.  Well, I bet his friend was surprised when years later he told him that he was gay and then trans femme.  Or maybe not.  I guess this friend is probably the only one that he could discuss his hidden sexuality.)

Sudden interest in anal sex. (WOW, never heard of this before. After 17 years. Brings up ‘toys’ from downstairs. Where did he get these, when did he get these? Apparently he must have been using these on himself. Don’t be so naive.  He has a secret. And NOW he has an interest in sex w/ me and NOW he thinks we need to get toys to please me?  I don’t need toys, I don’t want toys.  Is this kinky sex acceptable? But it seems like NOW he is able to have an erection and orgasm, but only if he self satisfies himself. Exactly where am I in the equation? What is wrong with him?)

Fascination w/ nipple stimulation all the time, being submissive during sex. (Okay, this can be an erogenous zone for straight males.  What’s this submissive crap. And quit talking about it. What happened to him? He wasn’t this way before, except he did like the nipple thing)

Guarding his phone and IPAD (why? He never had these devices locked before. Never took it to the bathroom and everywhere. What’s the fascination. Hey, I am here, we are at a restaurant or at home and you are glued to your devices.  Maybe he is addicted to the electronics. Maybe he has a secret? This is disrespectful.)

Acting withdrawn and distant. Not hearing a word I say (Is he depressed?. Am I boring? What’s wrong?  At one time, got mad and said he thinks he has dementia, can’t remember things. Does he have TIA’s, memory lapses? Something is wrong here. Or is he thinking about cheating/or is he cheating?)

Incident at the beginning- we are in bed and I hear a noise.  I said, “you hear that noise? I think someone is out there.”  He just laid there and did not get up to check it out.  I then said, “aren’t  you suppose to be the protector?”  So at work, he told his friends about this incident.  And he thought this was so funny. He then laughed about being a protector, as if that was not his role.  (So, What man would not want to be a protector to his woman if there is potential harm?  Am I wrong or am I asking too much? Maybe he was too scared himself to get up out of bed. In the end, I got up and checked it out myself.  Throughout the years, he laughed at this protector role and never did protect me. What am I - sub human? Throughout the years I wised up that he was an ass and that was not his male role in our relationship.)


September 27, 2019 7:25 am  #8

Re: What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

For me, there weren't any obvious red flags. He is rather masculine and into sports, a touch of video games and he grew up with brothers. 

If you were friends with him, you'd think he's a nice guy. A real gentleman. 

Like Morpheus said and I agree, " Well, of course, when i remember things now, i could tell that one or another thing could be a red flag, but, to be honest, - not everyone would expect their spouse is gay just because of something." 


September 27, 2019 7:58 am  #9

Re: What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

     Oftentimes, one can't discern any particular actions as red flags until one has the context to understand them.

    So, should I have been suspicious that my 6'4" husband sat down on the toilet to pee instead of standing?  I accepted it was a height thing, and it hardly rose to the transparent ludicrousness of Congressman Larry Craig's explanation that his tapping the foot of the man in the next stall was not a signal for gay sex in a Minneapolis airport bathroom but only the result of his "wide stance" when urinating.  Should I have been able to understand--or even to suspect?--that my husband's eagerness to watch me breastfeed was not simply a gratifying instance of a new family, bonding, but an vampiric expression of his autogynephilic desire to be a woman? 

   These things, and so many others like them, are apparent to me only in hindsight, and even now I cannot be sure of how to read them and of their meaning.  Yet my husband's declaration that he was "a woman in a man's body" resulted in throwing our entire past into a new perspective, which required of me--or elicited in me--countless hours spent scouring our past for clues and "red flags." 

     Although this re-framing of the past and the re-making of a narrative of my life are part and parcel of rebuilding my psyche and my life, I would have preferred to be able to spend my time doing otherwise, and thinking other thoughts.   To me, the necessity of having to do this work of re-building, and the time I have had to spend doing it, is one more injustice dealt me by my then-husband and one more way in which he stole precious time from my life.


September 29, 2019 8:33 pm  #10

Re: What were red flags 🚩 to you ?

Gay Porn Magazines
No sex with me for 10 years (claimed ED problems)
Homophobia (always telling inappropriate gay jokes)



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