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August 13, 2019 1:34 pm  #1


Stuck in this place

I've been coming to this site since 2016.  I have been on the fence for over 3 years now on what to do.  Our kids were very young at the time and I didn't want to break up our family so I decided to stay and make do.  Fast forward to today and not much has changed.  At the time of discovery he denied everything and no matter what he said and did he maintained for about a year that he was straight except for a time when I said maybe he's slightly not straight and he sort of nodded in agreement.  Except I don't actually believe that its 'slightly'. 

The thing is I am able to maintain the way things are if it wasn't for him.  He's incredibly selfish and if you've ever heard the term emotional labour I can say that I carry most of it in this household.  He's often miserable, like today when he threw his cell phone and was yelling swear words (because I took too long at the store when he was at home and wanted to leave; I was gone 1 hour running an errand for his business and I stopped at the store directly beside to do one additional errand??? wtf) his rages are usually excessive for the situation which causes me to be stressed out because I can usually sense that he's about to go off on one but when I got home even I wasn't expecting him to fly off the handle that much.  I am always stressed out, like if I am doing something I am not sure what to expect from him, is he going to flip or is it going to slip by.

He uses excuses like he's tired to get out of household chores etc (I work the same # of hours as him).  I do nearly everything around the house.  I nearly broke down crying the other day after I'd spent the day cleaning and came into my room to see a giant pile of laundry that I forgot needed to be folded.  If there's something to be done I take care of it.  It all falls to me.  I'm exhausted.  Then I go to bed at night and I don't even have a physical connection to him, he sleeps with his back to me every night, rarely does he instigate sex even if I indicate that I'm up for it.  I find myself drinking often, not to drunkenness but too much that I wouldn't be able to drive.  I can't do this anymore but I don't have the support of family here (they live far away) and not many close friends (he's driven many of them away by being an asshole to them.  And I make more money than him so I think I'd have to pay support so we'd need to sell our home and uproot our kids from this school district.  My business is profitable, his is in debt so I'd probably need to assume some of that debt I'm not sure about that.  I feel stuck in this situation indefinitely I just can't see a way out to somewhere that I can be happy.  This post is not really even related to the gay thing I just need to vent and get it out to sort my thoughts.  This seems like a forum where I'm probably not the only one in this situation.


 
 

August 13, 2019 3:07 pm  #2


Re: Stuck in this place

Vicky,
   I think it might help you be able to better sort out what you are able to do if you go and consult a lawyer.  Knowing better what you could expect if you were to divorce can help you decide what your options are, and what the hit to your finances--if any--might be if you do divorce.  
  I know exactly what you mean about doing the emotional (and domestic) labor.  At a certain point it was the silence, the devaluing, and his clear indication that he believed I was at fault--for everything, including his unhappiness--that made the trans thing merely one more item in a list of intolerables.  
   
 

 

August 13, 2019 4:46 pm  #3


Re: Stuck in this place

Hi Vicky,

I agree with OutOFHisCloset, I think getting legal advice would be a useful first step. You might be able to get a free 30 minute consultation through a women's group or shelter - that's what I did.

Your husband's behaviour is a lot like mine's. There are red flags going up here for emotional abuse. If you aren't already doing so, please consider seeing a counselor or psychologist just for you. It really helps to have someone who can ask you the questions you need to ask yourself and a safe place for you to consider your answers.

If you do decide to leave, the trick is to give yourself a goal and take just one step at a time towards achieving it. Mine was to hold the keys to my own place by my birthday (5 months). In the end I actually moved in one month before.

I agree that without family and friends close by, it's a daunting task. However, it's not impossible. Reaching out to just one or two people you can trust can make the world of difference. There are also organisations who can help you. I'm living overseas and had to do nearly the whole thing alone and in a foreign language. It was scary at the time but I gained so much strength and confidence through this experience.

Whether you decide to stay and try to work it out or set off in a new direction, I am positive that you are also stronger than you know.

 

August 13, 2019 8:25 pm  #4


Re: Stuck in this place

I find the anger concerning. Please be careful. I hope it does not escalate into a dangerous situation for you or any of the kids.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

August 14, 2019 11:04 am  #5


Re: Stuck in this place

Thanks.  I've decided to see a lawyer and find out what my options are and make a plan.  I am fairly certain it would mean selling the house and moving the kids to a new school.  Something I desperately don't want to do since we moved 3 years ago.  He never considers anything his fault so I will be blamed for this I just hope the kids don't see it the same way.  It's just tough, this has happened before, a big blow out then he goes on best behaviour and then it blows over.  I am at fault for letting it blow over but I hate the thought of the upheaval and the kids being in the middle of it so it has always been the path of least resistance to keep going the way things are until the kids are older and I have no more obligation to them.

Daryl, I am not sure there is much to worry my gut says he's unlikely to do anything directly to me but I do worry about him doing something to himself, and if he did I'd live with that guilt forever.  I'm not convinced he has it in him to go through with hurting himself but he has blurted it out before that he's depressed that he just wants to kill himself.  I don't even know what I could do to stop it if he did decide to do anything other than keep an eye out and be aware.  


 
     Thread Starter
 

August 14, 2019 1:30 pm  #6


Re: Stuck in this place

Over at Chump Lady today is a post on divorcing the disordered.  There are some very good resources mentioned in the comments.

 

August 14, 2019 5:38 pm  #7


Re: Stuck in this place

Vicky, Your H sounds just like my late GIDXH to the letter - including throwing objects at or near me.

I filed a police report against him for domestic violence. That’s what this is.  I called 911 as I was running outside to the sidewalk the next time he did it. Domestic violence is totally unacceptable and a criminal act.

I read today’s chump lady. It’s spot on advice. I had a guy who underestimated me (very lazy to do any divorce law homework, too) & I received a quite fair financial settlement. I did my divorce law homework and am an organized record keeper who never tosses a paid bill or email/text out.  It was more than 50% in my community property state.

Lastly, please take care of yourself. There are free AA or Al-Anon meetings almost everywhere daily. I sat in the back and never spoke to anyone. I never ‘did’ the program. They offer great advice on how to detach and disengage from disordered situations.   (((Hugs)))

Last edited by MJM017 (August 14, 2019 5:42 pm)


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

August 14, 2019 8:12 pm  #8


Re: Stuck in this place

vicky wrote:

Daryl, I am not sure there is much to worry my gut says he's unlikely to do anything directly to me but I do worry about him doing something to himself, and if he did I'd live with that guilt forever.  I'm not convinced he has it in him to go through with hurting himself but he has blurted it out before that he's depressed that he just wants to kill himself.  I don't even know what I could do to stop it if he did decide to do anything other than keep an eye out and be aware.  

Honestly, if you think he's seriously threatening self-harm I think you call 911. If I recall correctly you are in Ontario like myself. In the case of a youth, a police officer can bring that person to hospital for either a 24 or 48 hour assessment by mental health professionals. I don't know if that applies to adults but calling 911 shows you take it seriously.


“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
 

August 15, 2019 7:05 am  #9


Re: Stuck in this place

Hi Daryl, 
Yes I am in Ontario.  I am not convinced the threat is real.  We're talking about someone who is used to manipulating me with my feelings.  I'm inclined to think he's trying to make me feel sorry for him to get my attention and sympathy.  I have seen a psychologist before and she told me he's emotionally abusive, which is a bit of a hard pill to swallow and I have trouble accepting that as being true.  I tried to leave him a few years ago and I told my family I was and not one of them said I should try to make it work.  They don't think he's very nice to me (or them).  I think there's something to what the psychologist was saying but it's not overtly terrible enough that I can't deal with it and get by.

He just sucks me back in every time, plays the victim, I'll feel like the bad guy breaking the family up and I'll cave.  I just need to figure out how not to cave this time.  I already feel like the bad guy, I keep looking at my kids and feeling guilty that they don't know the shitstorm that's coming, that they're happy little bubble of home, friends and school is about to burst because of me when I could just suck it up for a few more years until they're older to get through this last bit and then finally do something about it.  I'm just tired of dealing with it.  He needs mental health help.  Last time I tried to leave him he made an appt and went (one time) to see a psychologist and promised to change his ways.  It lasted for awhile but now it's all the same as it used to be.  I am not even sure it's me he's so desperate to hang on to I think it's the kids. 
Right now we're barely speaking, and if the pattern remains the same as previous times, he'll crack first and ask me to talk about it, plead with me, as if he's being punished for something, that I am over reacting, making a big deal out of this thing.  That he never means to act like this, that he just gets frustrated, that's all.  That he's stressed, that he is unhappy that he's depressed all the time, etc etc.   Well we're all stressed, everyone gets unhappy.  It doesn't explain why on a daily basis he snaps at me, rolls his eyes, makes me feel guilty for random things, why he's rude to me.  Sorry I could go on and on here, I've been up for several hours already and it's all that's on my mind.  
Thanks
Vicky
 


 
     Thread Starter
 

August 15, 2019 10:34 am  #10


Re: Stuck in this place

He sounds like a narcissist whos SSA has been discovered and he has to live with the enormous weight of TGT between you two.

Hes repressed it but resents you?
I could be wrong but he's acting like my GX when she couldnt go see girlfriend during the time when I didnt know what she was doing..she was angry all the time..shortest fuse about the smallest things..


Sadly,i have no answers for you.  My GX's solution at the time was to get herself antidepressants and jump headlong into a gay affair..with me cited as the cause for it all.  I was in the way of her happy gay life..

I do not think you should have to live under these conditions forever..he cannot treat you more kindly he should not be surprised when you want to end things.   

This is not you...its all him.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

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