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General Discussion » Weird Situation » September 30, 2022 10:39 am

Hi. Yes, I’ve had that situation sort of. For me, my husband was oddly obsessed with this one show and I could not understand why. It’s just a regular network show but he was so obsessed that he bought previous seasons (strange) and made one of the characters name a password for at least one of our financial accounts. After he came out, one of the questions I asked was if his obsession with the show and that character were because of his sexual attraction to the actor portraying the character. He admitted that it was. I cannot even see the name of the show anymore without feeling nauseous. Lots of stupid little things ruined by this whole horrible life altering mess we are now in.

Support » Today is bad. Again. » September 27, 2022 3:30 pm

Blackie563 wrote:

Victo wrote:

I want someone who wants me. Specifically me.

I'll be honest (because I always am). When I read this, I nearly cried. Not because of "her", but because this resonated with me so strongly. I haven't been able to find the words, but this is it....I spent over half my life, 23 years, with someone who didn't want ME, and all I want if for someone to want me, specifically me...not just someone or the idea of what they think they should have. 
....

Those words exactly. I’ve spent almost 25 years with someone who “wanted to be a husband and father” but probably never really wanted me, specifically me, the way that I deserved to be wanted. I was just the sucker for who allowed him to get what he wanted in life. What I would give for that feeling of real, genuine love.

Victo, you sound like a wonderful person. Hang in there.

Support » Today is bad. Again. » September 26, 2022 9:56 pm

lily wrote:

Once I"d wrapped my head around the extraordinary levels of deception and he was in the rearview mirror I am still left needing to untangle the screw-up to my story, to my life, the expression of my sexuality, the heart and soul of me.

You can't stuff it into a basket forever, it comes spilling out and it takes two to knit a yarn.  so I think rule number one is  not to beat yourself up.  

 

Yes yes yes - all of those things. Too much to untangle. It’s just so surreal and so massive and all encompassing. And how does anyone move forward from this? And you can’t just put it aside but yet you also can’t just spill it out either. And how do you even know who you are anymore or who you used to be?

Support » I just can't do it. Why can't I do it? » September 21, 2022 6:28 pm

Ellexoh_nz wrote:

My comments in red
Hi Elle. I hope you are feeling better than you were earlier. I hope I’m responding right with this quote and respond thing lol.

Nauseous and devastated wrote:

It’s so confusing. So much of what you wrote is what’s going through my head everyday. We still sleep in the same bed. He’s kind and thoughtful and the day to day life is “normal” and maybe even a little bit better since he’s more open in our conversations. NaD....I'm interested in that your conversations with your husband have been open. I'd love that! I think it must be that while yours has admitted to you that he is gay my partner doesn't see himself as gay and thinks that to call himself bisexual takes away the stigma. 
I have asked a ton of questions as I try to figure this out and he answers them although sometimes I really think his answers are what he either hopes will be or that he has convinced himself was true. I always thought he was really good at understanding others’ perspectives but I have come to the conclusion that he really doesn’t. Prior to telling me he was extremely distant and it had gotten much worse over the past couple of years. He says he was always afraid of and paranoid about me finding out he is gay that he kept everyone at a distance.

Our financial situation makes the prospect of divorce even more frightening for me than it would be if money wasn’t a concern. I don’t want my kids’ happy lives to be turned upside down and their psyches to be harmed by this. The fact you have children is one of the things that will keep you there longer. I can't remember how old your children are (mine were adults when I told them) but when you're a kid *happy* is relative to how safe you feel with the parents who care for you and I think as long as communication between you all is good children should be a part of what is happening. 

General Discussion » TV Shows » September 21, 2022 5:43 pm

I have had to leave the room because of this exact thing. I know that I’m probably just hyper aware of it since it has happened to me. I do agree that discarding the straight spouse and not addressing the immense damage done is a travesty. I don’t think that’s the way people who really know someone to whom this has happened see us, but I think it’s very easy for those who don’t to jump on the “celebrate them living their truth” and “they are so courageous” bandwagon without ever considering those of us left behind to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives.

Support » I just can't do it. Why can't I do it? » September 21, 2022 5:43 am

It’s so confusing. So much of what you wrote is what’s going through my head everyday. We still sleep in the same bed. He’s kind and thoughtful and the day to day life is “normal” and maybe even a little bit better since he’s more open in our conversations. Our financial situation makes the prospect of divorce even more frightening for me than it would be if money wasn’t a concern. I don’t want my kids’ happy lives to be turned upside down and their psyches to be harmed by this. Finding the items you found must have been a gut punch - almost like a concrete reminder of what the realities are. Sometimes I just to pretend none of this happened but it comes crashing back into my head and I get even more confused. While I am so sorry that you are experiencing all of this and that we are in a situation where we need this support, I am grateful that you posted your words and for the replies and words of support from those who responded. I hope it gave you some relief to get them out and I hope you found some reassurance in the replies you received. Your and their words have helped me a great deal this morning.

General Discussion » Straight spouse groups » September 20, 2022 4:15 pm

Hi. I am very new to this situation and am not sure where I or our marriage will end up but I might be interested.

Support » Limbo » September 12, 2022 10:37 pm

What you wrote is so similar to what I am struggling to deal with as well. Just never imagined anything even remotely like this happening and I’m so worried about how my kids will be affected. I just don’t know what to do or how to face what I cannot fathom. All of the things you list - what to do about the marriage, the kids, the finances, it’’s so overwhelming at times that I am not sure I will survive it. And he can’t seem to grasp any of it. I guess we just handle one day, one hour, one minute at a time if that’s all we can face and hope for some clarity eventually. I am wishing for you strength and support and peace in your heart as you continue to deal with the devastation to your world ❤️

General Discussion » How did I get here? » September 12, 2022 10:19 pm

I am just over a month into this and your words ring so true for me. Some days are unbelievably hard and I’m not sure I will make it. So many thoughts and questions swirling around unresolved and unanswered in my head. And major decisions ahead. I think the advice to talk to others about anything really does help - human interaction to lift us when we need it. I hope you find some peace in doing so, even if it’s just for a little while.

Support » Isn’t it now my story too? » August 26, 2022 10:04 pm

Thank you for your responses and for helping me to feel like I’m not so alone and that my thoughts are not crazy. We are supposed to go to a therapist next week so I figured I would keep my mouth shut until I see how that goes.
From what he has said so far he told me because he didn’t want to lie to me anymore. 25 years. He has known since 7th grade.
And he seems to want to not act on his newly revealed sexual orientation. I just keep saying, “yeah but for how long? In two years, three. five will that change? And then what?” He says he’s always wanted to be a husband and father (I said yeah but a husband to whom) and he wants us to be grandparents together and grow old together and doesn’t want either one of us to end up alone. I said is that because he just wants me to continue being his “beard” and really for what. I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to think.

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