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1 - Nauseous and devastated
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Isn’t it now my story too?
My husband of 23 years told me he is gay almost three weeks ago. Like so many of you, my entire world imploded with that one sentence. I am devastated and terrified and in complete shock. I had no idea whatsoever. We have not told our four kids or any of our family. He did not want me to speak to anyone about it but later “allowed” me to talk to two of my friends about it - both of whom live elsewhere and who I don’t talk to on a regular basis. I feel like I’m asking a lot of them to listen to me work through this.
I was barely functioning for the first two weeks and kept replaying the conversation in my head, then would get nauseous. I have done a little better this week. We have had quite a few more “real” conversations, most of which end up with me in tears and him apologizing for how deeply he has hurt me. One thing he has repeatedly said, however, is that, aside from me, he doesn’t think his sexuality is anyone else’s business. While this may be true, it forces me to now be complicit in the lie he has lived for all of these years. I’ve read that it’s not my place to out him, but keeping it to myself forces me to lie to my kids and my friends and family, whose support I could really use right now. Two of my closest friends I see all the time and, while it is crystal clear to them that there is something wrong, I have to just tell them that I am not at liberty to talk to them about it. I know it’s his story to tell but he has made it my story too for 23 years. I just am really struggling trying to wrap my head around everything. Thanks for listening.
- lily
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Re: Isn’t it now my story too?
Oh goodness - no don't let him nail you into his closet! You have every right as well as the genuine need to talk openly with your family, your children and close friends.
what rubbish - 23 years he keeps It secret from you.
actually my ex went one better - after 37 years he tells me, his wife, that his sexuality is none of my business. Literally my jaw dropped. I spent the next minute wishing I could close my mouth!
- SameDeepWaterAsPhil
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Re: Isn’t it now my story too?
Hello, N & D:
First, I'm so terribly sorry. I know how very raw this must still be for you. My wife of 25 years disclosed her "latent lesbianism" to me a year ago in July, a decade after claiming to be bi-sexual, but entirely attracted to me & committed to our marriage. It's still raw for me, too, even after 13 months, because the surprises & disappointments keep coming. I pray that won't be the case for you! Like your husband, my wife has not come out to our children, relatives, etc. My own family does not know, which is very hard. We have been in couples counseling the entire year, which has been helpful in many ways, but we have different goals for the therapy. This forum & a support group for mixed orientation marriages I belong to have been blessings amid my struggles. Believe me, I need all the help I can get! One theme I get from most people is: take care of YOURSELF. If you can't function, then everything else is an exercise in futility. Self care has to be a priority, & I know all too well how hard that is. Emotion comes in battering waves, & it can feel overwhelming. Do what you can, when you can. And reach out, if you need help!
- Anon2222
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Re: Isn’t it now my story too?
Our stories are very similar. I am about a month ahead of you.
My husband gave me a double whammy, because he announced in the same sentence not only that he was gay, but he also wanted a divorce. I had no idea.
Been together almost 20 years, married for 16.
Welcome to the mind fuck. Still haven't wrapped my head around anything but my husband went and rented a tiny condo above a garage and is slowly moving out while I am still numbly aiming to function. I honestly don't even know who he is and who I've been married to for the past 16 years.
My word of advice is to look after yourself first. Because he isn't. Talk to anyone you want/need to. It isn't your job to keep his secret. You are not "outing" him. You are not being malicious. You are doing what you need to do to cope with the situation and take care of yourself.
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Isn’t it now my story too?
This is a common tactic. They want to yank open their closet door and shove us in and keep us there. They do this via the idea that "outing" them is immoral, as if they have a right to do whatever they wanted to us but that we don't have a right to open the door and leave. They are so used to manipulating us and maintaining their secret and keeping us in the dark, to using us to their benefit, that they believe they have the right to keep doing so.
Well, here's the reality, the truth, the ethical precept: Your story is your story to tell. To whomever and in whatever degree detail you wish to tell it. If he wanted his sexuality to be private, he shouldn't have brought you into it. Did he ask your permission to be told this bit of news? Of course not. But now he thinks he can control what you do with it?
As for "permission": did he ask your permission to marry you when he knew he was gay (or conflicted)? Did he ask you permission for what he now is apologizing for: "how deeply he has hurt [you]"?
You don't need his or anyone else's permission to speak about your life. Your life is your life, and it's your right to decide what you say about it.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (August 26, 2022 9:01 pm)
- Victo
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Re: Isn’t it now my story too?
Tell the world!!!!!!
And tell him you will wait 72 hours for him to talk to them before telling the kids why you are divorcing him.
You can take control of this situation because you now have the power to do something he fears more than anything. Use it to your advantage. Take charge.
Tell the world!!!!!!
- Nauseous and devastated
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Re: Isn’t it now my story too?
Thank you for your responses and for helping me to feel like I’m not so alone and that my thoughts are not crazy. We are supposed to go to a therapist next week so I figured I would keep my mouth shut until I see how that goes.
From what he has said so far he told me because he didn’t want to lie to me anymore. 25 years. He has known since 7th grade.
And he seems to want to not act on his newly revealed sexual orientation. I just keep saying, “yeah but for how long? In two years, three. five will that change? And then what?” He says he’s always wanted to be a husband and father (I said yeah but a husband to whom) and he wants us to be grandparents together and grow old together and doesn’t want either one of us to end up alone. I said is that because he just wants me to continue being his “beard” and really for what. I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to think.
- •
Thread Starter- Victo
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Re: Isn’t it now my story too?
I wish my GIDX narcissist abuser had admitted her homosexuality. Instead, she let our then 8-yo daughter find the sexual texts between her and her lesbian lover. That incident forced the situation.
To this day, my GIDX narcissist abuser gaslights our daughter by saying it never happened that way.
🤦♂️
- Gloria
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Re: Isn’t it now my story too?
I wasn't married to my ex gay boyfriend. He never, ever, admitted it even though I conforted him two times. I finally got the courage to break up with him. It would be so much better if they were honest with us
- Anon2222
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Re: Isn’t it now my story too?
Nauseous and devastated wrote:
And he seems to want to not act on his newly revealed sexual orientation. I just keep saying, “yeah but for how long? In two years, three. five will that change? And then what?” .
My gay husband came out as bisexual in 2020. At that time he assured me he was very much attracted to me, had no desire to end the marriage, on and on. The condition of me staying was that he went to counselling and figured himself out. I told him to take all the time he needed. And to only commit to the marriage if he was sure.
I told him my fear was that he would one day decide he was gay and leave me. I told him that there was no way I could be blind sided like this ever again and if he had any doubts, questions, anything that he had to tell me and we would work it out together. That I had to be included. That this directly impacted me.
I thought I had everything covered. I thought we had come to an understanding. Here was me thinking we would come out of this stronger than ever.
Instead he hid everything from me. I recommitted to the marriage, poured my heart and soul into it, and actually thought we were doing well. What does he do one day, sits down beside me on the couch, looks and me and says "I'm gay and I want a divorce". I had no idea.
He unilaterally made all the decisions and I was completely in the dark the whole time. I wish I had left when he came out as bi. Instead I stayed and became a shell of the person I was as he used me to figure out his life.
I spent 2.5 years of my life living in hell. Looking back on it, I had no idea how bad it was until I stepped out of the mind fuck and looked at what was really going on.
Tread carefully. Put yourself first in all of this. I made the mistake of putting myself last in all of this because I loved and trusted him to put me first. And he didn't.
I highly recommend deciding what you want first. And also consider that him changing his mind later is a very real possibility and what you would do in that case. Protect yourself. Make sure you have your own bank account with enough set aside to leave if needed. I wish someone had told me this a few years ago.
Good luck. This group is great for support, regardless of what you choose to do.