Anon,

Yeap your message was dead on. my therapist said my and sounds like your love language is gifting/acts of service.  For me I love planning special surprises for the ones I love.  Taking great pains when getting them gifts or since we gift our kids travel/experiences rather than things for birthdays and holidays I always try to have something up my sleeve for each trip.  

Last year I surprised my husband and kids with his parents during our trip.  It was his 40th birthday and we hadn't seen them in over two years because of the pandemic.  they had no clue until they literally walked into our hotel room.  It was after that it really hit home how much I wanted something like that for myself.  
And even more he never even said thank you for doing that.

I was like you when he first came out, terrified of what I would do if he was gone.  I'm sick and have bad days.  But the last few months I have felt like he's not here as he's not helping much around the house I have forced myself to get things done.  Even though it comes with a physical toll.  with him gone over the weekend it made me realize i was a lot less upset when he wasn't here for me to get mad at for not helping.  

The dating hurts.  And a lot of it is that he'd given up on us and our marriage who knows how long ago, I now suspect he cheated before his revelation but have no proof.  But he's clearly invovled with this person he was trying to text and not me.  My therapist said that they are basically having their teenage years and a mid life crisis all at once with their newfound freedom.  They see this whole thing as a good thing and freeing and don't understand that we aren't even close to there.  

He must have had a busy weekend because he fell asleep the second he got home and hardly interacted with anyone before bed.  Time will tell how often he takes these little trips.  

Anon, 

Wonderful to hear!  Lock it up and protect it from him.  And I"m 100% here for amazing grandmas haunting those spouses for hurting us.

I agree to talk to an attorney.  Even though we are supposed to have an uncontested divorce I'm still going to talk to one.  Because I don't know what he's hiding from me.  I discovered he's been hiding money for who knows how long in a cash app.  He's insanely protective of getting the mail.  Like he makes sure to be the one to get it as soon as it comes (which him going back to the office will be intersting).  Gets delivereies as soon as they arrive.  He think's I'm dumb or something but I've seen the boxes and googled where they've come from.  I personally think he's on steroids based on some of the side effects I've observed.    But Like OutofHisCLoset said I'm making sure I won't be on the hook for anything he's done.  this also goes into me checking our bank and credit card statements for things that he is supposed to be paying for himself now and isn't.

You are 100% right in looking for things that work for your budget.

I don't know your age but I assume if you can apply for senior housing you are older.  Check with your state for elder care options and protections.  My father had Alzheimers and they got us in contact with an attorney that helped us get on all the programs we could for financial support and sorted out things like power of attorney and his will.  LIke one of your kids should have POA now, not your husband.  I need to change my order up on mine and move my sister to first position.  

We never want to be a burden on our children but there is a difference between being a burden and letting them help you.  This is something I have had to work very hard on with all my medical issues.  I feel guitly that I can't do what I used to do with and for them...but I'm still here with them and we are adapting and that is what is important.  !hen things were so difficult with my dad my siblings and I were helping to pay for his care when he needed to go to a memory care center.  Not just for him but for my mom as he had progressed to a

I'm sorry he did that to you 8 hours is absolutely terrible!  No Excuse.  And when he ignored you and still came home, I'm just sending hugs.  I am glad you let him see how much it hurt you it does us no good to hide it.  They can not see past themselves and their new lives right now.  They are the hero of their own story.  They are also much farther down the path of processing this mess.  They have already gone through the phases they are gong to go through. Even when I bring up him hurting me like that in therapy sessions he dismisses his actions, even with the therapist prodding him and explaining to him that his actions were wrong.

When mine did that to me is when it got into my head that he is already long gone.  All his talk of going slow, keeping the staus quo, he'll still be here, and not much has to change was just more lies or delustion.  Because like OutofHisCLoset said, they may be out they aren't ready to give up that connection to home.  Both the physical location and in us.  My therapist said that I have been in his life for so long, I am his constant, where I am is home where its safe and comfortable.

 I promised myself to never ask him to do anything and on bad medical days I've slipped and most of the time he either ignores or won't do what I ask.  This is big and little things.  I am adjusting to managing the house and the chores to me and the kids.  Yes, he still takes out the trash and might unload the dishwasher when he needs plates, but he hasn't cleaned anything outside of his rooms since he came out except the kitchen once and that was with our daughter pushing him to do it with her becuase she knew I was exhausted.  

This has come with an incredibly heavy price.  My body can not handle all the work, I completely understand chronic pain and overwhelming fatigue to the point you can not move..  What I did today landed me in bed on my oxygen for the rest of the day.  There are days I can not take some of my medications f

I hear you on the house thing and yes finding a rental with pets is very hard to do. I am looking at something half the size we are in now and its 150K more than we paid for it.  this is another point I am absolutely furious at him about.  We have so much equity in the home, and when we did move on from the empty nest we would have been set.  If it were me I would stop all the reno stuff untill it is absolutely necessary.  Save the money and the mental anxiety that would go along with living in a construction zone and have him coming in and out to do it.  

 Is there a way you can make the house work for you better?  Close off rooms you are not using so you don't need to clean them?  Shuffle rooms around so you don't have to deal with stairs as much?  

Yes therapy can be expensive.  Do ask about support groups in your area.  I reached out to a friend from high school who is a Betrayal Counselor.  She put me in contact with a divorce support group and they are working to form a straight spouse one as well.  I know I would have more resources if I reached out to my church but I am not at a place I want to do that yet.  Friends are one thing...church is a whole new ballgame.  

If you can't work you can't work.  I know those days where you can't get out of bed and its a medical issue.  They have to deal.  I am lucky in my bosses are very understanding and I have co workers that I can reach out too if there is an emergency I can't handle.  I am also lucky in I can work from bed...and have for years due to many stints on bedrest.  My two cents is to start hunting for a job that works better for your new situation and/or offers benefits.  

It will start to get better.
You mentioned he is going to help support you financially, are you working with a attorney or mediator in this process.  that way you have someone in your corner and helping negociate items.  there is nothing wrong with going in and saying what you need. Or have you stay down wit