Anon, 

All the hugs.  I know this is all so much coming at you at once,  And no none of it is fair.  They are being absolute idiots living their bachelor dreams free of the shackles that was their lives with us.  

You cry when you need to cry.  I about lost my ish in the middle of a car dealership today because I'm trying to get something cheaper for when I'm on my own.  I will echo Elle in find a counselor, you can ask your doctor for recommendations and also be very frank with them about how you are feeling with mental health.  Try searching your area for a Betrayal Counselor or Support Group.  

I cope by doing.  He surprised me once and like hell is he EVER going to do that to me again.  I am going to be ready if he meets his next step and decides he needs to accelerate the timeline so he can go be with his new guy.

If you don't want the house why don't you sell it?   I know its not always that simple. In a divorce you will each get half  of the proceeds and you can use the proceeds to help support you through the transition and help you get into a place of your own that is better for you to manage.  I love our home, we bought it and I thought this would be our home until we were empty nesters.  I can't afford it once he's gone, and like you its too much for me to manage.  Too many square feet and the yard is WAY too big.  I have to stay until I get a ruling on Disability but then we will sell.  I'm angry because I do love the home and I'm furious about having to move the kids schools.  But in the end I get to figure out where me, the kids,and the fur babies land.  And I'm eying something with a smaller yard and an HOA that will do yard work.  Honest to goodnees if one of those nice 55+ communities would let me move in I would...I mean medically I have the medical issues of someone much older and get flyers from assisted living communities all the time.  

Have you considered applying for Disability.  I know this is a hard decision to make and the process of doing it is horrendous and soul crushing.  I'm two years in and currently waiting a hearing.  I had to get an attorney (no money up front and you only pay if they get you on) and they are helping me through the process.  I don't have a defined condition which makes getting on harder.  If you have good medical history and a defined medical condition it can go faster.  My dad was only a matter of months to get on.  I have lung damage and climbing thes stairs is like I just sprinted a mile.  Disability will provide me healthcare.

If he is paying you support....have you considered him paying for your insurance and getting it off the exhange so you can have a job that doesn't involve the hour long commute.  You may also qualify for a credit for it from the government.  I did this with my mom, we filled out a few forms and she gets $600 a month towards her plan.

And no, you can just look at your pets and pick one to go.  For me that is asking me to give up a child and won't happen.  They are far more supportive of me than my husband is at this point.  They snuggle me when I cry.  They know when me or the kids aren't well.  They are my constant companions and not dtiching us to start a new life.

I am so sorry about your grandmother. loosing them later in life is incredibly devastating and not help with your current situation.  I was blessed to have one of mine up until a couple of years ago.  I was always close to her even after moving, growing up, getting married, having kids.  I take some comfort in she's up in heaven right now likely cursing my husband out every which we she can think of and hopfully haunting him.  And while she is not physically here with me I know she is here during difficult times.  The other night i was sobbing in bed, having had a very bad overwhelming day, and suddenly my room filled up with the smell of her perfume.  Her perfume hasn't been made for years and is so distinct in my mind, I don't have a bottle or anything close, I ran around and sniffed everything, including animals, trying to find the source and nothing.  But it was as strong as it would have been whenever I sat by her.  So I sat in bed again and cried, knowing that my Grandma was right there with me, supporting me the best she could.  Know she is with you, she loves you, and you will see her again one day.

The guys are not thinking.  My counselor said that they are basically having a mid life crisis and 18 years old all over again.  Setting off on their grand new adventure and the life they have been dreaming of for who knows how long.  They are absolutely unable to compute the amount of pain, hurt, and fear they are causing.

I am holding mine to the fire.  I am following all instructions from therapists and our financial advisor.  My husband said why are you moving so fast we were going to do this slow....as he said in therpay he's going to start dating.  Once I have taken care of the next step I am going to start the process of finding the divorce attorney so that its all ready to go when we know about Disability.  

Take it one step at a time. One day.  One hour.  Even one minute. Wheatever you have to do.  Know you are not alone.  Ask for help from those around you.

Thank you all for the support. It really is needed!

It's funny, because I do love this house to an extent. Once the renos are done it will be a beautiful home. The layout is great. With all the work that we've done on the backyard it's the prettiest yard I've ever had. And right now, the thought of moving is just too overwhelming. Right now this is "home" and the thought of giving up "home" as well is just too much.

Other compounding factor is...the city is just too expensive. Selling this house I would be lucky to be able to afford a condo in a not that nice area. I worked out the budget and housing expense wise, moving to a smaller place right now with what interest rates are doing etc it would be a whopping $100 less than staying in this house. I've also been looking at rent, but the rent/month is more than my mortgage payment now and next to no where allows pets. 

I am working at taking everything one day at a time and I will still have to figure out housing....but right now it feels like a bit of a rock and a hard place!

I am seeing a therapist, downside is, it's very expensive so I can't go as often as I would like. I am also being open with my friends and family and for the most part everyone has been supportive. I have major depressive disorder already....and this has really been a struggle, I have reached a whole new low in my life. Since this happened 3.5 weeks ago I have missed 3 days of work and my work is not happy....but I have just had days were I literally can't function. 

I hear you on the house thing and yes finding a rental with pets is very hard to do. I am looking at something half the size we are in now and its 150K more than we paid for it.  this is another point I am absolutely furious at him about.  We have so much equity in the home, and when we did move on from the empty nest we would have been set.  If it were me I would stop all the reno stuff untill it is absolutely necessary.  Save the money and the mental anxiety that would go along with living in a construction zone and have him coming in and out to do it.  

 Is there a way you can make the house work for you better?  Close off rooms you are not using so you don't need to clean them?  Shuffle rooms around so you don't have to deal with stairs as much?  

Yes therapy can be expensive.  Do ask about support groups in your area.  I reached out to a friend from high school who is a Betrayal Counselor.  She put me in contact with a divorce support group and they are working to form a straight spouse one as well.  I know I would have more resources if I reached out to my church but I am not at a place I want to do that yet.  Friends are one thing...church is a whole new ballgame.  

If you can't work you can't work.  I know those days where you can't get out of bed and its a medical issue.  They have to deal.  I am lucky in my bosses are very understanding and I have co workers that I can reach out too if there is an emergency I can't handle.  I am also lucky in I can work from bed...and have for years due to many stints on bedrest.  My two cents is to start hunting for a job that works better for your new situation and/or offers benefits.  

It will start to get better.
You mentioned he is going to help support you financially, are you working with a attorney or mediator in this process.  that way you have someone in your corner and helping negociate items.  there is nothing wrong with going in and saying what you need. Or have you stay down with the buget with him.  You keeping the house comes with more expenses he needs to help with.   Is he willing to stay married on paper so you can keep insurance?

So...I finally had a shining light in all the madness.

My grandma was an amazing person, and I am going to miss her so much. But the timing of everything is just crazy. I found out she is leaving me an inheritance. I have been tap dancing on the moon all of today since finding out. I feel like my grandma has my back and is looking out for me.

It is enough to pay off my portion of the debt and set up an emergency fund. It's basically enough that I am now not trapped in this situation. I have enough money to take a breath and figure things out and to not have to make any rash decisions. I can breathe!!!!!!!

The amount of relief I feel is surreal. 

At our wedding, my grandma said to my husband that if he ever hurt me she would track him down. So, now he can prepare to be haunted by one badass woman!