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July 30, 2022 10:39 pm  #1


So sick of the hurt

Four months and counting.  My husband texted me Thursday he was getting a hotel for the weekend because he was feeling down and needed some time to himself.  Fine, nice for him he can just up and take off when he wants and yes I will ensure this is with his own money. 

But not 5 minutes later i got another text from him...not meant for me.  "Good Morming Lover," followed by some pics.

I wonder what the hotel room is for?  Insert eyeroll.  

When he came out I asked him to be honest with me and he still can't do it.  he still lies and hurts me.  As he likes to remind me, we are still married, so he is technically actively cheating at the moment and there is nothing I can do but sit here and wait.

You all know its been a struggle at home since he came out, that he's very much checked out, and I feel like I've become a single parent in the blink of an eye.  I am forcing my body well beyond what I should be because I have too, because there is no one else around that can do some of the things.  Him taking off with his Boyfriend for the weekend comes as no surprise.  .yet while its not a surprise this is something that has hurt more than many of the other things he's done.

Never in our time as a dating or married couple did he every send sweet texts like that.  Never did he arrange for a special weekend for the two of us...even when I openly said to him that I would really love it if he did stuff like that for me a bit ago.  I get he's farther down the road but god it hurts so much.  I feel like a piece of trash he's thrown away and I am angry that he has never loved me like I loved him or how I thought he loved me.  Its humiliating.  

I know the silver lining is he is very likely to move in with this guy if they are to taking weekends away but its still just so hard.  And I will say having everything left to me isn't as bad when he's not here to do nothing about it/help.

I knew you guys would understand and I needed to vent.  I had a meltdown with my sister earlier when I showed her the texts but had to put myself together and get the kids in bed.  

 

July 31, 2022 7:58 am  #2


Re: So sick of the hurt

I could have written these words *hugs*

Last night my gay husband stated he was looking forward to dating. He came out a whopping 4 weeks ago and we have barely begun the process of separating. It felt like he ripped a piece of my soul out. I am here staring at the tiny pieces of my destroyed life....and he's excited to get out there and date. I can't even fathom being with someone else and he's just raring to throw me away here.

Throughout our marriage my gay husband also never loved me the way I loved him. I told him a number of times that I would love to just have small tokens of love.....a little note or text here, stop and buy me a single flower on his way home out of the blue, just something to show he was thinking of me. It didn't happen. And it made me feel like crap. I constantly surprised him. Arranged trips, sent the notes, bought him surprise "I'm thinking of you" things all the time. 

I am bracing myself for when he actually starts dating, which I don't think will be long. The hurt at the thought it mind numbing....when he actually does it I'm going to be a mess. It's funny, because I wrote somewhere in a post that I felt like a piece of trash he's thrown away and that he never loved me how I loved him. It's sad how we get to feel in this mess. 

I feel like I'm not strong enough to have him move out. I'm terrified. And yet, I'm reaching the point where I am starting to want it...because it's just easier when he's not here. 

Know you're not alone. 

 

August 1, 2022 3:01 am  #3


Re: So sick of the hurt

Anon,

Yeap your message was dead on. my therapist said my and sounds like your love language is gifting/acts of service.  For me I love planning special surprises for the ones I love.  Taking great pains when getting them gifts or since we gift our kids travel/experiences rather than things for birthdays and holidays I always try to have something up my sleeve for each trip.  

Last year I surprised my husband and kids with his parents during our trip.  It was his 40th birthday and we hadn't seen them in over two years because of the pandemic.  they had no clue until they literally walked into our hotel room.  It was after that it really hit home how much I wanted something like that for myself.  
And even more he never even said thank you for doing that.

I was like you when he first came out, terrified of what I would do if he was gone.  I'm sick and have bad days.  But the last few months I have felt like he's not here as he's not helping much around the house I have forced myself to get things done.  Even though it comes with a physical toll.  with him gone over the weekend it made me realize i was a lot less upset when he wasn't here for me to get mad at for not helping.  

The dating hurts.  And a lot of it is that he'd given up on us and our marriage who knows how long ago, I now suspect he cheated before his revelation but have no proof.  But he's clearly invovled with this person he was trying to text and not me.  My therapist said that they are basically having their teenage years and a mid life crisis all at once with their newfound freedom.  They see this whole thing as a good thing and freeing and don't understand that we aren't even close to there.  

He must have had a busy weekend because he fell asleep the second he got home and hardly interacted with anyone before bed.  Time will tell how often he takes these little trips.  

     Thread Starter
 

August 1, 2022 12:11 pm  #4


Re: So sick of the hurt

Agl03,

Sadly I know the hurt..I paid for many hotel rooms for my GX.

They gave up on us and divorced us  long ago..unilaterally, on their own.   We were blindsided and left hurt, shaking, traumatized.. learning to get by on our own. They seem far ahead in their detachment and discard of us.

I will say this..we may be behind them and late to start but as we learn and detach its a total shock to them. When they realize we don't need to do what they say..its like they could never fathom us being anything but loyal and faithful and fiercely loving.
My GX fully expected me to keep paying for hotel rooms..but wanted to be divorced.  I too wanted to be divorced but felt paying for hotel rooms was a bit beyond being kind and compassionate...certainly not something she was entitled to anymore.
  Let him do whatever he wants
..in his doing so know that he has forfeited all rights and privileges to your time, talents, loyalty etc.   In due time he will feel the shift and his being far ahead will mean little if anything.
The mills of God grind slowly but they grind exceedingly small.


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

August 7, 2022 5:58 pm  #5


Re: So sick of the hurt

Rob wrote:

Agl03,
  Let him do whatever he wants
..in his doing so know that he has forfeited all rights and privileges to your time, talents, loyalty etc.   In due time he will feel the shift and his being far ahead will mean little if anything.
The mills of God grind slowly but they grind exceedingly small.

Rob I really felt this statement right here.

Last edited by Crystal_H (August 7, 2022 5:59 pm)

 

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