My husband was my first and only as well.  Sex has never been a big thing in our marriage we didn't do it very often (unless trying for a baby) and I didn't know any better, I thought it was just normal.  He just wasn't that into it and once every couple of weeks was fine when he was in the mood and it was all about him being satisfied and not me.

Then after we conceived our last child, over 10 years ago, sex stopped.  At first it was understood.  I had a high risk pregnancy, was on bedrest, then he was in the NICU, and sick a lot.  That was followed by me getting a hysterectomy, complications, and a very long recovery.

But then I healed and I tried to intiate things again.  He would either have no interest or be unable to perform.  I was absolutely humiliated and blamed myself because i could not turn on my own husband.  I thought it was because I was too fat, too scarred, too ugly to be desirable.  He was on this fitness journey and was in amazing shape, looked great, so I internalized that too as I'm too ugly.  Over the years I'd found a couple of toys that were meant to help him take care of himself so I knew he had the desire, adding another hit in that he would prefer a toy to his wife.  And god I tried to get him interested.  Lingere, massages, trips, new things, sending him to the doctor to get checked (he didn't use the meds perscribed).  

The feelings caused contributed to my anxiety, depression, body dysmorphia, and an eating disorder.  And he knew this.  He knew it was hurting me and didn't say anything.  Because me thinking those things allowed him to keep his secret.  This is perhaps one of the most selfish things they can do.

After he came out he said I didn't have to have body dysmorphia anymore becuase he didn't think any of those things I listed off....yeah like that just makes it all go away.  I said those exact words you did to my mom, my doctor, my therapist "Who is going to want me now?"

They all very firmly put down that thought, pointing how they see me and that those things I were thinking were wrong and that I will find someone else.  I will get the Happily Ever After I deserve.  I was taught sex was something special between two people.  For me its not a casual thing, its part of a committed relationship.  And I honeslty thought I would never have anyone else besides my husband...and that could still happen.  I've gone so long without it that I think mentally I've moved it so far down in priorities its going to take therapy to get to a healthy place with it again.  

But that is not my priority right now.  My priority is getting me and the kids taken care of.  I also read up that going into a divorce I shouldn't be looking/dating/on apps looking for someone else in reguards to custody and child support stuff.  So I don't even plan on even thinking about looking again until after that.  I want to make sure I'm mentally ready before diving back in.

Sex however, is very clearly on his mind, but still not with me.  Before he moved into another part of the house I found another toy that was 100% not intended to be used with a woman.  One of the very first things he asked me after coming out was how did I want him to handle if he choose to sleepover at someone's house.  he's not supposed to tell me.while he is under no circumstances allowed to bring anyone to our home or be around our kids unless I have met them first and I have to approve anyone visiting.   NO sleepovers here.

Those mean voices in my head I call my Head Goblins.  They feed anxiety and depression.  I mentally have to tell them to shut up and you can do that too.  What they have done to us is horrible.  They have betrayed us and made us to feel we were at fault for things like the sexual aspect when it was all on them.  Its okay to assign the blame there.  Because no matter how thin I was, how I looked, what I did, I would never ever be what he really wanted....a Man.

Talk to you therapst about this too.  these kinds of scars that have built up over so many years run incredibly deep.  They will offer how to go about it in this new phase of your life and addressing it when you want it to happen again.

You are a strong and amazing woman.  I firmly believe that there is someone out there for all of us.  Someone who will love and cherish you the way you deserve to be loved and cherised.  

I’m still not over the sex thing.  I don’t know what to do or how to get past it.

Being married to a GiD lesbian narcissist asshole, sex was one of the many ways she sought to demean and control me.  And it worked.  I feigned a kind of nonchalant exterior while I desperately wished I had any normal way to express myself physically. 

In my marriage, I swallowed a ton of misandy disguised as love.  My very normal sexual desires were minimized and even vilified.  I got to the point where I could not even imagine myself as desirable in any way - and as a male, that left me dangerously open to an industry designed to separate desperate men from their money.

I didn’t go too far down that path because it was as emotionally empty as my marriage.

So now I’m left with the understanding that all women are motivated by the simple desire to extract as much from me as possible without giving a fuck about me.

That is the opposite of sexy, and I’m kindof honestly disgusted by women.  (Present company excepted.  You all have been through some terrible hurt.)

But I’m not attracted to men at all, so I feel completely shellshocked about sex.

Anon2222 wrote:

.....but honestly, I just want to see if anything good can come from the area, .....

 
🤣 That made me laugh

It was funny. I hope that you find a man to love soon.