Jason,

I stayed for a couple of years after my  ex came out to me.  I am not one to talk about what I should have done differently.  I did the best I could at the time.  I do not regret that best effort even though the person that I am now would react differently.  The thing that finally pushed me out was the realization that I was setting a bad example for my children.  What would I have wanted them to do had they found themselves in a similar situation.  Once I removed myself from the quotient and saw it third person it was obvious to me that how I had been living was wrong for me.  Now, to be fair to your situation, there is more to my story than is told in this simple reduction.  You have to do what you think is best for you. Trust yourself.  Listen to your core values, not just your heart.  It will come to you.

Bryon,

I appreciate your thoughtful post.  You ask a great question: "Why did I responded to my daughter when she asked if mom is gay by telling her to ask her mom?" I think the truth is that I was, and still am, conforming to what I perceive as the societal norm of not outing anyone.  It seems like conventional wisdom says that only the gay person gets to out themselves.  Sounds like Dr. Phil right?  Part of it too is that I love my ex.  I don't want to hurt her.  And then there is some low self-esteem at play as well.  Like I said, you asked a great question.  I love the reference to Thesolonians.  Paul says much the same thing in Romans 12:2.  I had not thought to apply that here.  Something to think about for sure.

So why doesn't my ex out herself and be done with it?  After I realized I need to move on with my life and that I want to do that in an open an honest way I asked her if she had told the children.  This was maybe a week ago.  She was shocked that I asked.  She said she had not.  She went on to say that her feelings lately have been that she isn't so sure that she wants to be in a lesbian relationship.  She all but said that she wasn't sure that she was gay.  Her words were carefully chosen to limit conviction though.  She said that she missed being married and she missed being with a man (I didn't ask her what she meant by "being with a man").   At this point I don't discuss it with her.  She and I have not spoken of TGT in over a year until last week.  I didn't point out to her how sure she was about being gay when she confessed it to me.  I did not remind her of the explicitness with which she described her attraction to the female form.  I did not remind her that, until me, all of her sexual encounters had been with women.  I didn't suggest that maybe what she missed had nothing to do with sexual attraction at all.   She went on to say that there was no point in stirring anything up with the children as long as she is unsure about her sexuality.

Thanks for the replies. 

I will say that I feel a little guilty about having posted my story last night.  I am afraid that I may have done something inappropriate that could end up hurting my ex should people find out who we are.  There you go, this is what I am talking about.  Why should I feel guilty about telling MY story?  I honestly do though.  Ahrrrg! 

I am going to go to our church now and be around her, our children and our friends.  I am not going to say anything to anyone about what I am going through.  I am going to bite my tongue or stammer for words constructed so convelutedly that people will give me that blank stare wondering what in the world I am saying because, of course, I really havn't said anything. 

I very much appreciate this site and people who understand the str8's perspective.  I pray for the day when we don't need a closet.  I pray for the day when people can see past feeling sorry for the gay partner coming to terms with her sexuality and realize that what she did to me was wrong.  She knew she was gay.  She knew I didn't know.  And, she married me anyway.  Can you say clock ticking, I need to have children NOW!?

Okay, so there I go again, saying stuff that, even as I write, I am sure I am going to feel guilty about as I drive to church this morning...post.

Hello.  This is my first post on SSN.  I have been silent too long.  So glad there are others who get this.

After 15 years of marriage and three daughters things weren't going so well anymore.  My wife became mean and uncaring.  She had turned 40.  I can look back and see that birthday was a catalyst.  She did some soul searching and realized that what we had wasn't what she wanted.  I stopped drinking, lost weight, and focused on my spiritual center.  I wanted to be a better man for her.  She told me that she wasn't interested in me sexually anymore.  That had been obvious for some time.

After a year or so the night finally came.  She asked me why I continued to be nice to her.  Why I had worked so hard.  I told her that I wasn't going anywhere.  I took my wedding vow seriously.  I was committed to her.  I said that I figured I would keep being the best person I could.  That she used to like me.  I said that I figured that if I kept it up that one day she might like me again.  That was when she announced that she was gay.  I was shocked.  I had been completely clueless.

We hadn't talked about our sex lives before we met.  She told me that she had always been gay.  Before me she even had lesbian lovers.  She told me much more about her life before me that I won't go into here except to say that her description of her attraction to women was honest, belivable, and sincere. Over the next months lots of stuff fell into place.  She had always been quirky and awkward sexually but I laughed it off and even found it endearing.  I though she had little or no experience.  She came from an extremely conservative upbringing.  Little did I know that she actually had a lot of experience sexually, just not with men.

I hung around for a couple of more years for the sake of maintaining family.  I did lots of processing.  I hadn't given homosexuality much though other than to know that I didn't care if anyone was or not.  I believe that when Jesus said all he meant all.  I have