Hi Jason,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.  You've come to the right place, though.  Not only are there a lot people here who have gone through the fire and come out the other side, but there are tons of men who've dealt with situations exactly like yours.  They will be of much help to you.

You're not supposed to feel fine, and it's okay that you don't.  There are many stages to this - confusion, grief, anger, fearfulness, panic and loneliness and disbelief.  Let yourself go through all of that.  The hard part is still functioning at work and with family as if you're fine.  Sometimes it can help to just throw yourself into your work and not think about this during the day, and let yourself process at night.  It also helps to talk about it - to a trusted friend, to your family, to whomever will lend an ear and be on your side.  And by that, I mean that you need people who see this from your perspective - not hers.  She has had a LONG time to come to terms with this decision - likely years if not decades.  No joke.  So she is much further into the acceptance than you are.  She's through worrying and wanting to move onto to being her authentic self.  You thought this WAS her authentic self.  It will take you much longer to move on than it will her.  In her world, the worst is over.  In yours, it's just beginning.

Personally, I'm glad that you separated right away.  So many people don't do this, and try to figure out a way to make it work.  It.Can't.  She may love you, but she's likely not IN love with you.  That requires sexual attraction too, and if she's not attracted to men, then how can she feel that for anyone but a woman?  Her admittance of being purely lesbian vs. bi is her admittance of that.

Jason, NONE of this is a reflection on you.  You can't "turn" someone gay.  Nothing you've done or said has turned her away.  As a matter of fact, being married to a person who's gay (when you're straight) for FIFTEEN YEARS is a major feat.  It likely reflects on the fact that you treated her and loved her well and she just couldn't bring herself to give that up until she couldn't go on living a lie any longer.  She may have already met someone else.  It's difficult to think that she may have already been cheating on you, but that's likely the case.  People don't up and leave a straight marriage on the thought that they're gay - they try that out for a while before they decide.  She may actually have already found someone to move on with.

While it might not seem like it, she's done you a favor by being honest with you.  So many others have spouses who cheat and pay them no attention but won't admit the truth.  And it's a mind f*ck.  They will tell their spouse that they're crazy for jumping to conclusions, or that if they loved them, they'd support them through an exploratory period.  Thank your lucky stars that your scenario is about as straight forward as it can get.  There is no good way to find out your spouse is gay.  But there are terrible ways.  Finding out by getting a permanent venereal disease would be a terrible way, for instance.

Keep visiting, Jason.  Keep your head up and just keep swimming.

Kel

 

Jason,

My situation was that I was married for 16 years with three kids when I called it quits.  I was no longer in love with my GIDXH (Gay In Denial Ex Husband), but didn't know for sure that he was gay. There had been signs, but nothing concrete and admitted to.  I knew for a long time that something was very wrong and not only wasn't it getting addressed, but he didn't seem concerned about the fact that I was increasingly unhappy.  There had been little to no intimacy for over 10 years at that point, and I'd tried to gain his attention by losing weight, growing out my hair, changing the way I dressed (both clothing and lingerie) and even getting a tummy tuck and a breast lift.  It didn't work.  I was still invisible.  Meanwhile, every other man on the planet was interested.  It gave me the courage to call it quits - thinking that maybe this wasn't the only/best man I'd ever get.  He was a nice guy, but we had no relationship beyond roommates. 

When I first told him I wanted a divorce, he flipped out.  He wanted to go to counseling, saying that "divorce is not an option".  I went, but only because I thought it would help him see just how unsalvageable the marriage was.  Which is what it did.  Eventually, he went to counseling alone at the counselor's request - he had much abuse and trauma in his past, and the counselor was right in realizing that until he walked through the fire, nothing was going to change fur US until it changed for HIM.  What it did was give him the strength to come to terms with himself being gay.  I learned much later that he'd known all along, but I think counseling brought it to the surface.  He married me because he loved me and wanted a family of his own (he'd been adopted and had no blood relatives), and thought he loved me enough to make it work.  Nine months after I asked for a divorce, he finally threw in the towel.  It was another full year until I learned from my brother-in-law that my husband had admitted to him 8 months earlier that he was in fact gay.  I was so relieved to know what the real issue was - and that it hadn't been me, despite thinking I just wasn't good enough or pretty enough or sexy enough for him to desire.  He eventually moved out, and within weeks was living with a man.  I met a nice man just months after that, and we started dating and have been married for 3 years this next month.  Blissfully happy in my marriage now - everything I ever wanted and more.  I used to think my former marriage had a few issues, and if they were solved, we could be okay.  Now I realize just how flawed the whole foundation was, and that every corner of the relationship was slanted.  I didn't know how bad it was until I got away from it and got happy.  I thought I was happy, just not blissful.  Now I know that wasn't the truth at all.

I told my close friends right away, but as I said, I was already trying to break off the relationship and they all knew I'd questioned his sexuality over the years.  It was a while before I told my family (parents, siblings), and even longer until the kids found out.  He is now out and proud, with a steady boyfriend that the kids visit every-other-weekend.

My suffering came for a decade before admittance.  I got some closure at the admittance.  This isn't how it typically works, though.  Most people here seem to either never get admittance/closure, or they get admittance after finding out how much their spouse has manipulated, lied and cheated on them.  I consider myself lucky to have had things go down the way I did.  That being said, I still went through a ton of what most others here do - the confusion, fear (of what my future held), denial, anger and mourning.  I may have moved through them in different ways / times than others, but I've experienced them all.  And I've experienced finding myself again, learning to embrace life and then finding love and happiness again.  I know you're not thinking that far ahead right now.  But it can happen - know it's out there if and when you want it again.

As for going down the road of asking her if she's cheated, that's a very individual decision.  I tell people not to ask questions you don't want answers to, though.  Most times, there IS no good answer.  I have never asked my husband when he knew - it seemed like no matter what the answer was, it'd hurt.  Was it all along? (I did learn that, but only about a year ago, from one of my children who apparently asked their dad.  And it STILL hurt to hear that yes, he knew our entire marriage.) You'll never be sure after all of this is they're telling you the truth, anyway.  So it's kind of pointless.  The bottom line - to me - is that you just found out that it can't work.  Who's "fault" that is is immaterial - regardless of the answer, the situation is still the same - needing to move on from this point.  If you get too wrapped up in the why's and how's, you can get stuck there.  You will never fully understand this - because you can't see yourself doing this to someone else.  All you can do is accept that it's happened, and that them being gay "happened" to them.  All you can hold them responsible for is not being honest with you when they should have been.  I myself told my ex that I am not angry at him for being gay - he wouldn't have chosen that if given the chance.  But I did hold him responsible for deciding he would be hurt too much by the truth to tell it - because what he did was make ME be confused and lonely all those years.  He put on my back what he couldn't seem to fathom putting on his own.  For that, I hold him responsible.  And yet, there's still nothing to do but move on.

Be aware that you may see her change a TON in the upcoming days/weeks/months.  They have mentally left you behind, and they're moving on toward their own goals now.  You need to do the same.  So many of us here get caught up in how difficult it must be for our poor, gay spouse.  We loose sight of the fact that if they're supporting themselves and we're supporting them, then no one is taking care of US.  You can be kind and fair without being her advocate and supporter.  Don't let her guilt you about how hard this is for you.  Fine, fine.  You go feel sorry for yourself and I'll do the same for me.  I can't hold you up right now - I'm too busy trying to stand myself.

You do NOT need her buy-in for moving forward, and how you do that.  You could decide (at least if you don't have children) that you never want to see her again except in court.  You have that right.  You don't need her permission to go to your employer and tell them that you're divorcing, and you need to talk about housing for yourself.  Let her then deal with her own housing.  If you were a nice guy, you'd tell her ahead of time that you've done this, so she isn't shocked when H.R. calls her in.  But you don't even owe her that.  Do what works for YOU now.  Because trust me, she's going to expect you to be the same guy you've been all along, even though she's decided that she doesn't want you for her husband anymore.  And she's going to get angry and mad and mean when you're not that guy any longer.  Meanwhile, she gets to be whomever she wants to be.

Don't be surprised if you see something akin to a second adolescence very soon.  She'll be free to do what she wants, and it's highly doubtful that she's going to wait until the divorce papers are signed before jumping into her new lifestyle.  This is likely to be true whether you're the nicest guy in the world to her, or the meanest.  They just can't seem to resist becoming who the think they were always meant to be.  Sometimes, they even come back and tell you that they've changed their mind - they're NOT gay, and they're over needing that, and they want things to go back to the way they were.  They'll behave now.  Don't believe that.  That's usually a signal that whatever relationship they were in just ended, and they're trying to go back to something comfortable again.  She can be straight again without doing so with you.

Believe in yourself, Jason.  If you can't find a good friend to talk to, start seeing a counselor.  Sometimes we need to speak our way through things to hear how we feel.  This is real, whether you speak the words or not.  He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named doesn't stop existing just because no one utters his name.  You don't conjure up lesbianism from telling someone that's what she is.  She's that whether you say it out loud or not.  If that weren't true, SHE never would have said it out loud to you herself.

Kel
 

That's great, Jason.  I think that's a great idea - to meet with your best friend and let it all out.  Know that you have nothing to be embarrassed about or ashamed of.  You loved hard and trusted much - like you are supposed to in a marriage.  No shame in that.

Sometimes other men think that it would be cool to have a wife that digs chicks - the whole girl on girl thing.  They will often suggest trying to let it play out - let her add another female to the bedroom.  See if it works, and if it doesn't, THEN you can move on.  But this isn't a fantasy - it's your marriage.  The one where the two of you made a commitment to love, honor and cherish each other, and forsake all others.  Plus, she didn't say, "I'd love to try a threesome and see if it spices things up in our love life".  She said, "I'm a lesbian - not bi".  Meaning "I only like girls".  And when you left to go to the hotel, she didn't say, "I'm sorry you're hurting - maybe we can work this out so that we're both happy". (if that's in fact possible) She said, "Here's the hours I'll be out of the house".  It's fine with her that you're gone.  And that's not cool.  Her saying she is still very in love with you are just words if she doesn't seem to care when you leave.  You deserve more than that, Jason.  You deserve a woman who's all.the.way into you.  A woman who can't be happy unless YOU're happy.  Not a woman who's pursuing her own happiness and wondering if you'd like to stick around to support her while she does so.  After being married and monogamous with her for 15 years, you can't move backwards and be fine.  It just.doesn't.work.

Kel

Everyone is different but you might find it helpful to write. I found by writing everything down it helped to create some semblance of a road map of what I needed to do and when. I do wonder if your spouse has already checked-out or just giving you space to process, time will tell. You may think the future is pretty dark at the moment but in time dawn will break. Posting here helps as many of us know the experience.

Hi Jason. That is rough. I was married for 27 years and 6 weeks when mine told me and left. For me the state of shock lasted a couple of months. I could not believe it was true and did not want to believe it. But it was true. but now 6 years later I realize she did me a favor in a left handed sort of way. She told me outright. Many people have to go on for years wondering what is wrong. It would not have worked and trying to make it work would have been a nightmare. I am now almost 5 years into a marriage with a wonderful straight woman and things are good. My ex is remarried as well, to her girlfriend, and leading the full monty of lesbian life. Believe me when I say i know what you are going through. I had no idea how to live life without her after 27 years. I spent quite a bit of time mourning the loss of my illusion.

 Take care of yourself and live for you (and kids if you have them).

Be well.