Let it out.  I'm tired of the gay closet also..ill tell anyone that will listen..the kids will know in due time..sure they can ask their mom ..but I will tell them my story if asked.

So the meanness is a gay thing.
Heartless cruel and evil. Let them all go off to gay land. .just go away and let me get on with my life.

Like you I kept all my vows and promises.  This lets me sleep.at night..this is who i am.  My lezex has forfeited my authentic strong love.  She has become an  evil soulless being now... Satan incarnate. She is that mean.  I long to be away from such a fake inauthentic person ..

I pray we all find peace and forgiveness and safety .

Thanks for the replies. 

I will say that I feel a little guilty about having posted my story last night.  I am afraid that I may have done something inappropriate that could end up hurting my ex should people find out who we are.  There you go, this is what I am talking about.  Why should I feel guilty about telling MY story?  I honestly do though.  Ahrrrg! 

I am going to go to our church now and be around her, our children and our friends.  I am not going to say anything to anyone about what I am going through.  I am going to bite my tongue or stammer for words constructed so convelutedly that people will give me that blank stare wondering what in the world I am saying because, of course, I really havn't said anything. 

I very much appreciate this site and people who understand the str8's perspective.  I pray for the day when we don't need a closet.  I pray for the day when people can see past feeling sorry for the gay partner coming to terms with her sexuality and realize that what she did to me was wrong.  She knew she was gay.  She knew I didn't know.  And, she married me anyway.  Can you say clock ticking, I need to have children NOW!?

Okay, so there I go again, saying stuff that, even as I write, I am sure I am going to feel guilty about as I drive to church this morning...post.

Don't feel guilty.  How long does your spouse think it can be kept secret? 

For example my wife cheated on me and filed for divorce so.she can live her gay life...   she will tell people all kinds of other reasons but they are preposterous.
I will tell people.she cheated if asked..   if they want to know more sure... I bring up tgt.    But people have a hard time understanding that.

Guilt..no don't you dare beat yourself up...this is not your fault.

Last edited by Rob (July 3, 2016 9:14 pm)

Rick:

First, thank you for trusting us enough to share your story, and congratulations for taking that first step of opening up and acknowledging what has happened. That right there is a major step, and nothing to feel guilty about. What is guilt anyway? It's a sense of having done something wrong. It's appropriate if you have done something wrong, as it shows you have a conscience, but if you are innocent of wrong-doing, why does it come up just the same? So ask yourself, what did you do that was wrong? From what I read in your story, I don't see anything that strikes me as wrong. And yet that feeling of guilt comes up anyway. I think most of us know what you're talking about, even though it isn't deserved or even rational.

Over time I've learned one way to reassure myself when that feeling of guilt comes up: I try to steer clear of concepts such as right / wrong, or fair / unfair, or good / bad. Instead what I try to determine is whether something is true or untrue. Truth almost always means it's also right, fair, and good; Untrue almost always ends up leading toward wrong, unfair, and bad. There is rarely a rational reason to feel guilty about Truth.

There are dozens of reasons why we initially resist telling the truth about our marriages and our ex-es, from religious and social to family and financial and everything in between. I did the same for quite a while at first with my ex, until someone asked me why was I keeping a secret that wasn't mine to begin with? Was I trying to protect her? Was I too embarrassed or ashamed? Was I afraid of what other people would think? Was I clinging to false hope that maybe it wasn't true and we could still work things out? It's interesting to me that your children already seemed to know, yet you didn't want to be the one to confirm it for them. That's fair, and I don't mean to suggest it was wrong of you to not confirm it, but it's something to think about. What messages might you have sent them by not confirming it?  I'm not saying there is a right or wrong answer here, but to be aware of why you chose to respond the way you did.

As far as your wife telling you not to out her to anyone, screw that. Why does she want you to keep it a secret at this point? Are there legitimate security and safety issues, or is it because she's ashamed, embarrassed, afraid? Not talking about it keeps the closet walls intact. This is her closet, but it doesn't mean you have to live in there with her just because she says so. You get to choose between truth and untruth, and what proportion of each you are okay with. It's your life too, and you are the only one who gets to vote on how you are going to live it.

I went on longer than I meant to, I guess your story touched me that way, but really my point was about when guilt comes up for no apparent reason, try not to think about right vs wrong, but about true vs not true, and see if that helps.

"Test everything that is told to you. Hold onto that which is true and good."
1st Thessalonians, 5:21

 

Last edited by BryonM (July 4, 2016 4:52 am)