Hey all. Things are more peaceful here. We are companions and life partners and as long as we don't try to get physical I'm actually pretty ok here. We had some really honest talks and he says that it was like he needed to really dig into it all to find out it's not as important as he thought. I think redoing his office to have a large closet for her had helped. He can see his stuff right out in the open but it's not a room I really go in. It's been a really hard 4 yrs. But we've found a new normal that might just work.  My health has taken a turn for the worse so I'm grateful to have his help and his depression is worse so, ditto. I'm the brains and he's the brawn in daily life. We have hired a cleaning person and that helps a lot. I'd say that we are past the painful parts. Sure it's a little lonely without physical intimacy but realistically that's not out there for either of us anyway. So we've become comfortable with sitting together watching tv and such.  It's never been my dream marriage but it's what we have. More than roommates, less than lovers. Not sure many marriages of those in their late 60s/early 70s is much different. I'm calling the crisis over. Hope all find their way, whether it is leaving or staying, do what is right for you.

 We had "relations" for the first time in 11 months a few weeks ago. It felt "familiar" but at the same time bothered me for some reason.. but almost immediately I regretted it. And I realized it was the last time.  it makes me sad. But the man I married over 20 yrs ago is gone. I might as well be a widow. Just yesterday I finally took off my cherished expensive  10 yr anniversary wedding band. That was for a marriage to a man. A man's man. Tools, trucks, dirty jeans. Oh those things are still around. But more of this person's time is spent buying women's clothing of mostly the fetish variety and I have to worry constantly that he will leave his "office" door open and someone will wander in, or leave the curtain open and someone will see in at night. I can't leave. I have some money but a recent setback has put me in a wheelchair 90% of the time. So, this is half my home and I will stay. But he/they/she? sigh is not my husband. He's not who I made the commitment to. So the best I can do to be kind and charitable is that he is my roommate and my friend.. Bizarrely to me, I feel better without my ring on. Like I was living a lie. And yes, the piece of paper still applies for the moment. I want that financial security. I deserve it. But the heart and soul commitment is gone. I've been crying several times a day for months. I think I've been mourning my marriage and my husband. But in the last few days I've tried to just let it go and live each day. Best I can do. Happy Holidays.

Thanks Dutchman. I do know what marriage should look like in my mind. I know that this isn't it.
But my choices are to either live with it, or hang in until there is low income ADA housing available in the area and move into it. Could be tomorrow, could be in 5 yrs. I actually have some money, but even with having it, I cannot get a regular apartment. It is required to have 3x the INCOME of the rent and while I could write a check for a year's rent, I do not have enough actual income for even the rent every month. I mean, a one bedroom here is upwards of $1500 a month. So I cannot get a rental, nor can I buy a cheap condo because the association requires a certain amount of income. 
I figure since he generally doesn't ask much of me and I have a warm and dry place to live and for now anyway can save money and such - I might as well just stay. I can't go backward in time and not marry the man. Believe me, if I could, I would. Sometimes financial reality just means living with the bad stuff and working on finding some peace otherwise. Things are harder all around when one is disabled. I try to remember that he is kind, wishes things were different. Far too many women are in far worse situations. 

Hi Tiggerslife - This is a hard time for you. Lots of change. Take the time to just let it settle. But I'm going to say what I feel in my gut which is, Girl, you are soooo much better off without that man. I mean, sooo much better.At some point all that drug use is going to make him a very physically sick man. You won't have to be his caretaker. Bravo to you for taking that step for your future. Be sure you get what you deserve in the divorce. Don't forget pensions or 401ks etc. Don't be so kind that you are putting yourself in a bad situation later. Oh and when his new partner dumps him, do NOT take him back. Close that chapter. There's a new book waiting, you'll see. 

Hi Jenny - so here is my question to you. If you were sure he isn't cheating and is asexual, would you want to stay? Not all men or women have strong sexual desires. That's society telling us how it should be. But if you need sex then it's a bigger issue. Seems like he is a good husband otherwise as you said. Only you know how important it is to you to have sex in your life. If companionship is enough then you could stay. I'd think about all the other things that would change if you leave. As far as you needing to be flirty and sweet, well that's just transference. He's putting it on you. Instead of trying to force intimacy, I'd ask him how often he feels the need for sex and take his answer as the truth. If he starts this "I'd want it more if blah, blah" then that's just nonsense. I'd stop the conversation and ask him if he is willing to give you a straight answer or maybe if he needs to talk to a therapist to see where he stands on his sexual needs. Not to "fix" him just to get his mind in order and tell you his truth. Then you can stop this emotional battle and make a decision based on fact. If he is asexual then perhaps the therapist can help him see you might need to open the marriage to keep it going for your own needs. Just my .02.