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October 16, 2023 8:20 pm  #1

Husband came out as non binary and wants boobs. Have no clue

I have been married to hubby for almost 16 years (been together almost 18 yrs) we have 3 boys :11 (autistic) 8 and 3.5. At the end of August, he informed me he saw himself as non binary and wanted his own set of breasts. I asked him his pro nouns (he still identifies as male) and what he wanted to do. He wants boobs, wants me to stay, still wants to be intimate with me and present as male in public. 
While I definitely consider myself an ally, I never expected this coming from my husband. 
I spent most of September grieving and angry. Our marriage was on rocky ground before this announcement with the usual problems faced by people raising 3 young kids. We have sought out counseling both individually and in couples counseling with someone who specializes in LGBTQ+ issues. 
I am at a loss. I am a straight women and I can't seem to wrap my head around attraction and physical intimacy with these new revelations. I have offered him my never ending friendship and I want him to be happy but I have been up front with him about my hesitancy about being intimate. 
I am in desperate need of someone who has been in my shoes before.  

I am a classic over thinker so my head is spinning around in circles over what to do. Everything feels so confusing when he still insists he wants to be male but have boobs and a more feminine figure. While my friends are progressive, they don't really know where I am coming from. If there's anyone out there who is willing to reach out, I would be eternally grateful. 


October 16, 2023 9:43 pm  #2

Re: Husband came out as non binary and wants boobs. Have no clue

I'm in your shoes.  Your shoes are very uncomfortable.  My husband came out as a cross dresser about 3 years ago.  That was it . . . just a cross dresser.  We had also been having other problems with the marriage.  I had always felt that there was "another woman" - but had no idea that the other woman was HIM.  Little by little, I was "spoon fed" his reality.  His reality is that he is really transgender and/or gay.  My husband also wants to present as a man during the day and when he wants he can be a woman, Like yours, he wants to have his own set of breasts.  For over 2 years, he self medicated with over the counter supplements AND it was working. His therapist (LGBTQ+) convinced him to go see a doctor and get "checked out".  He came away from that appointment with prescription hormones.   

I too struggled with being intimate with my husband that now shaved every inch of his body, was growing breasts, and would even adopt feminine mannerisms.  It became just too much for me.  After a month or so of the prescription hormone emotional roller coaster, I had enough.  We are in the process of getting a divorce and are now living separate.  My kids are a bit older so I have it easier.  And for the record, each one of my 3 kids have asked me why I waited so long to leave him.

I will tell you that I love him.  But, that is MY problem.  I love HIM.  I do not love her.  

He has not told many people the truth about what is really going on so I look like the bad guy.  I do not care.  My sanity and the sanity of my kids is much more important to me that what other people think.  

I will not tell you to leave him.  But, I do recommend getting a good therapist.  There are cases that people can work through this and stay together.  I am not one of those cases.  

This is a great forum.  Lots of knowledge and support.  Feel free to ask me anything that you like.  I'm not happy to have this experience to share but will be honest with you and share my experience.

All my best to you.  (((((BIG HUG)))))


October 16, 2023 11:28 pm  #3

Re: Husband came out as non binary and wants boobs. Have no clue

I had a relationship w/my ex bf, we lived together for 16 years when the 1st announcement was that he was “maybe gay”.  Actually told me this while we had the sexual encounter. Then stated had sex as a teenager with a male neighbor and loved it. Of course I was shocked and had no inkling.  He also was saying that he’s “feminine”. I didn’t think much into that until..I found hidden teddies, lacy bras and lacy panties and numerous sex toys including nipple clamps.  He had been hiding the sex toys in a Black and Decker bag in the basement workshop and kept changing its location frequently.  After this time he had frequent outbursts & was cruel and tried to pick fights.  December I went on a week long vacation with my sister to visit my granddaughter to get away from the continual drama and stress. He knew I was upset, I came back quiet and did not engage with him as I was at the end of my rope.  He sensed my discontent and apologized for his behavior and blamed it on his “crossdressing “ (his words).  Said you must know about it.  I didn’t acknowledge that I knew about his stashes. Immediately he tried to lovebomb me, wanted sex and came to my bedroom dressed in lacy top and bottom, along with the toys.  From then on, all of a sudden he was interested in sex (after very little sex in over a decade).  OMG, he was turned while wearing lingerie.  It seemed that he really wanted to have those nipples stimulated!  I’ve never seen him that turned on ever. Prior to this experience our intimacy was mediocre and he had difficulty with maintaining an erection.  Then it progressed with using anal toys, on him. He expected me to assist him.  Then the discussion I should get a strap on.  I never got it,  I never enjoyed assisting with his toys and he could sense it.  It all seemed like intimacy was such a performance on his part and I felt there was no emotional connection to me. Seemed like he was turned on with himself.  Besides the lingerie he started to purchase fish net stockings, high heels, a wig and had fake silicone like breast pads to put in his bras.
2017- 2nd announcement was trans femme.  Wanted breasts.  Said he was jealous that I had breasts.  Talked about having breast implants.  Then talked about starting hormones.  At this time he had abrupt 30 minute rages when we were in the car, so I couldn’t walk away. Started to call me stupid and all kinds of degrogatory names. This was a first and I had no inkling what precipitated this behavior.  In my mind I thought he had a brain tumor or some mental illness.  However he always was either good to me/or was emotionally and verbally abusive, critical or humiliating me.  That’s when I told him our relationship was over and I dint want us living together.  We bought this house together and one of us had to go.  Then said I was lesbian & I said absolutely not I’m straight.  Next he wanted us to live as roommates, would live on the lower level.  I said I don’t want you to live under the same roof. 
Another announcement- trans femme, but also gay.  Said he liked men.  Immediately he went on a dating site and started dating women and transgenders for the 3 months that he lived with me until the house was appraised and I bought him out.
It started out as wanting boobs too.  At night he wore these women’s lingerie to bed and in the home.  During the day he dressed as a man at the handyman job.
There is more to the saga.  You can read the progression on my posts and Our Stories as it’s quite an ordeal. So much happened and maladaptive behaviors.
Currently ex bf has a women’s persona by clothing, make up etc, legal change of names, pronouns, on hormones since 2018 and has had an orchiectomy.  He came out as maybe gay, to gay, to not gay.  The only consistency was trans femme.  It was non-binary, the latest was queer.  I’ve been no contact for 3 years so there’s probably a lot I don’t know.  We tried to be just friends a few times but it just didn’t work out.  
It was difficult, confusing, perplexing and not a good experience for me.  Progression proceeded at warp speed.  Mine became consumed to himself as a woman and I felt invisible.  
Mine had a public persona and a private persona that was incongruent.  
I am hoping other partners of trans partners to provide their experience and suggestions.  Because mine was pretty bad maybe others are not.  I think there are various levels that some MtF progress.  I read that not all of them use hormones, not all of them have surgeries.  I don’t think I’ve read any positive experiences here.  Most break up within the first three years I’ve read somewhere.  Don’t we wish we had a crystal ball.  I think what is important is good communication and respect in your relationship to deal with issues and feelings.
Read OUTOFHISCLOSET posts for numerous resources about transgenderism. 
it didn’t work out for me.  I know how you feel as if the rug has been pulled out from under your feet and probably think this is a dream then a nightmare.  Take care of yourself.  Read the First Aid Section here, there are Personal Resources on Out Path to talk or email with someone that had had this experience and understand.  Post if you want.  If you have a trusted friend or relative to talk to, it helps to verbalize and hear your words.  


October 19, 2023 9:19 pm  #4

Re: Husband came out as non binary and wants boobs. Have no clue

Norah - Your experience and my experience sound oddly similar.  Thanks for posting.


October 19, 2023 10:47 pm  #5

Re: Husband came out as non binary and wants boobs. Have no clue

After the trans femme reveal, ex bf stated that he was sexually abused as a boy by a male relative, as if this was why he was the way he was (his sexuality).  And the perpetrator was aggressive and mean and that is why he treated me that way. (HUH?)  I gave him resources for men that have been sexually abused as boys.
i said to him, that’s too bad that this experience f@cked you up.  He didn’t appear to like that response as if he thought he had the perfect excuse for being what he is.  Of course I didn’t buy any of that.  Ex bf was content with what he was.  At one time even claimed to be bisexual when he was trying to lure me in.  I asked about gay porn and he proudly said that he was watching transgender porn.  
Imagine thinking your partner not having sex with you for eons, thinking there was an ED problem.  Then find out they were pleasuring themselves all along with watching transgender porn, dressing in lace and panties and using humongous toys on themselves and having the best turn ons and sexual release.  
Mine began befriending trans people all over the country via the internet, went to 4 different Trans support groups, met up with local lesbians and trans for lunch-all for ideas and education on what he should be doing to be in that culture.  He was totally immersed and there was no looking back.  His outlook of morality changed, was no longer monogamous. I felt it was cult like.  If I asked one question I was transphobic or against what he was doing. I got tired of being called a cis woman. I got tired of all of the labels etc.  “I need to make an appointment with my ‘GURL'  Dr.  And reference to his genitalia in female terminology.  For being a so called ‘woman’ the tactics were quite the same the male entitlement behaviors. Then all of a sudden it was depression that was new and wondered if that was a ploy to keep me engaged and empathetic.  I could write a book of all the craziness and drama.  
This is my story and I don’t know if this is universal behavior with the older men acting this way, dressing up and getting turned on sexually imagining they are a female.  And going as far as altering their bodies. I don't get it, it's as if there is a sudden switch of character and behavior like a 'possession'.  I've gotten upset at people that have applauded his becoming his authentic self.  No concern for me.  All I tell them is you don't know what goes on behind closed doors and don't make it a secret that I've had verbal and psychological abuse.  

Stuck1, Take Care of yourself, good luck with the divorce..it is a rocky road ahead.  Don’t be surprised if he tries to love bomb you.  Best to go No Contact.  Doesn’t it seem like they have a play book with instructions of tactics to use, to say. .  Sorry that you are going through this trauma.  

Last edited by Norah (October 19, 2023 11:11 pm)


November 17, 2023 12:42 am  #6

Re: Husband came out as non binary and wants boobs. Have no clue

I (unfortunately) relate to this so much that I had to create an account after reading your post.

About 2 years ago my husband of 5 years, partner of 10 years, brought up that he likes to wear women's clothes sometimes and feel more feminine. It was honestly a little weird to me but not a huge deal. I think anyone should be able to wear what they want, just don't make a big thing of it. He ended up shaving his legs and wearing a skirt to a showing of Rocky Horror (so pretty appropriate lol) and wore eyeshadow a few times. That was it. After like a month it never came back up.

Well, I probably should have seen this coming after the cross dressing convo, but he just came out as non binary and trans. He's still using he/him, wants to continue presenting as male, but is planning to start HRT. He desperately wants our relationship to stay the same, but I'm honestly so repulsed by the idea of him developing breasts and becoming more feminine. I just can't wrap my head around it. I've read some studies that scans of trans people's brains show they're more similar to that of the opposite gender they were born, so how does being non binary and wanting male and female parts fit in? If he just wanted to be a woman it might actually be easier to take.

It feels so unfair that he kept this from me for 10 years and would still keep it from the outside world, but I'd have to deal with it. We just bought a place together like 3 months ago that neither of us can afford it on our own so we're stuck. He wants to stay living together as friends, I would like to stay friends, but I want to live separately asap. Ugh.

Anyway, thinking of you. I hope you're doing well.

Last edited by nydoll (November 17, 2023 9:52 am)


November 17, 2023 3:02 am  #7

Re: Husband came out as non binary and wants boobs. Have no clue

Hi nydoll, can't help myself, have to say this - what you want matters!

do you really love him so much you want to stick around for the hormones, the tantrums, the theft of your nicest underwear, the putdowns, the competing to be the alpha female, the bit where he informs you that you are having a lesbian relationship with him?  

Is he thinking about what you want?  or is he just thinking about how to get you to go along with what he wants.



January 3, 2024 8:53 am  #8

Re: Husband came out as non binary and wants boobs. Have no clue

I married someone who I knew was an xdresser occasionally during sex. That's all it was for years, about 18 yrs. Then it was during the day and during the pandemic he went down a rabbit hole and decided he was trans. I said, ok I'll leave and you can live your life. But unfortunately financially it's not possible as I am also disabled. So we have separate rooms and are still legally married but I don't feel married at all anymore. It's sad. I'm so lonely. And I blame myself a lot because he's right there wanting to love me but I can't give "her" what I just don't feel. I miss my husband but he is for all intent, gone. This is my roommate. We are older so no little involved. But I have been a single mom in the past and I know it's hard. But I can honestly truly say that if you can get out, you should. Start getting your financial ducks in a row. If you have to go to school to get skills, stay while you do that online and let him pay for it if you need to. But make plans and make them carefully. You deserve to live your truth. be well.


January 18, 2024 10:15 pm  #9

Re: Husband came out as non binary and wants boobs. Have no clue

I am in a similar situation. My husband came out to me as Trams a week ago. We have been married for 3 years and together for 6. We just had our son 6 weeks ago. I am also autistic which has made this super hard to process. He is exploring and doesn’t know where he will end up. I don’t see myself being attracted to him as he continues to explore.  I am terrified what this means for me and my son. We are choosing to stay married for now in hopes we can find a way to make this work. You are not alone! Your feelings and your wants are all valid! Sending love and hugs!


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