I had a relationship w/my ex bf, we lived together for 16 years when the 1st announcement was that he was “maybe gay”.  Actually told me this while we had the sexual encounter. Then stated had sex as a teenager with a male neighbor and loved it. Of course I was shocked and had no inkling.  He also was saying that he’s “feminine”. I didn’t think much into that until..I found hidden teddies, lacy bras and lacy panties and numerous sex toys including nipple clamps.  He had been hiding the sex toys in a Black and Decker bag in the basement workshop and kept changing its location frequently.  After this time he had frequent outbursts & was cruel and tried to pick fights.  December I went on a week long vacation with my sister to visit my granddaughter to get away from the continual drama and stress. He knew I was upset, I came back quiet and did not engage with him as I was at the end of my rope.  He sensed my discontent and apologized for his behavior and blamed it on his “crossdressing “ (his words).  Said you must know about it.  I didn’t acknowledge that I knew about his stashes. Immediately he tried to lovebomb me, wanted sex and came to my bedroom dressed in lacy top and bottom, along with the toys.  From then on, all of a sudden he was interested in sex (after very little sex in over a decade).  OMG, he was turned while wearing lingerie.  It seemed that he really wanted to have those nipples stimulated!  I’ve never seen him that turned on ever. Prior to this experience our intimacy was mediocre and he had difficulty with maintaining an erection.  Then it progressed with using anal toys, on him. He expected me to assist him.  Then the discussion I should get a strap on.  I never got it,  I never enjoyed assisting with his toys and he could sense it.  It all seemed like intimacy was such a performance on his part and I felt there was no emotional connection to me. Seemed like he was turned on with himself.  Besides the lingerie he started to purchase fish net stockings, high heels, a wig and had fake silicone like breast pads to put in his bras.
2017- 2nd announcement was trans femme.  Wanted breasts.  Said he was jealous that I had breasts.  Talked about having breast implants.  Then talked about starting hormones.  At this time he had abrupt 30 minute rages when we were in the car, so I couldn’t walk away. Started to call me stupid and all kinds of degrogatory names. This was a first and I had no inkling what precipitated this behavior.  In my mind I thought he had a brain tumor or some mental illness.  However he always was either good to me/or was emotionally and verbally abusive, critical or humiliating me.  That’s when I told him our relationship was over and I dint want us living together.  We bought this house together and one of us had to go.  Then said I was lesbian & I said absolutely not I’m straight.  Next he wanted us to live as roommates, would live on the lower level.  I said I don’t want you to live under the same roof. 
Another announcement- trans femme, but also gay.  Said he liked men.  Immediately he went on a dating site and started dating women and transgenders for the 3 months that he lived with me until the house was appraised and I bought him out.
It started out as wanting boobs too.  At night he wore these women’s lingerie to bed and in the home.  During the day he dressed as a man at the handyman job.
There is more to the saga.  You can read the progression on my posts and Our Stories as it’s quite an ordeal. So much happened and maladaptive behaviors.
Currently ex bf has a women’s persona by clothing, make up etc, legal change of names, pronouns, on hormones since 2018 and has had an orchiectomy.  He came out as maybe gay, to gay, to not gay.  The only consistency was trans femme.  It was non-binary, the latest was queer.  I’ve been no contact for 3 years so there’s probably a lot I don’t know.  We tried to be just friends a few times but it just didn’t work out.  
It was difficult, confusing, perplexing and not a good experience for me.  Progression proceeded at warp speed.  Mine became consumed to himself as a woman and I felt invisible.  
Mine had a public persona and a private persona that was incongruent.  
I am hoping other partners of trans partners to provide their experience and suggestions.  Because mine was pretty bad maybe others are not.  I think there are various levels that some MtF progress.  I read that not all of them use hormones, not all of them have surgeries.  I don’t think I’ve read any positive experiences here.  Most break up within the first three years I’ve read somewhere.  Don’t we wish we had a crystal ball.  I think what is important is good communication and respect in your relationship to deal with issues and feelings.
Read OUTOFHISCLOSET posts for numerous resources about transgenderism. 
it didn’t work out for me.  I know how you feel as if the rug has been pulled out from under your feet and probably think this is a dream then a nightmare.  Take care of yourself.  Read the First Aid Section here, there are Personal Resources on Out Path to talk or email with someone that had had this experience and understand.  Post if you want.  If you have a trusted friend or relative to talk to, it helps to verbalize and hear your words.  

Stuck1,
After the trans femme reveal, ex bf stated that he was sexually abused as a boy by a male relative, as if this was why he was the way he was (his sexuality).  And the perpetrator was aggressive and mean and that is why he treated me that way. (HUH?)  I gave him resources for men that have been sexually abused as boys.
i said to him, that’s too bad that this experience f@cked you up.  He didn’t appear to like that response as if he thought he had the perfect excuse for being what he is.  Of course I didn’t buy any of that.  Ex bf was content with what he was.  At one time even claimed to be bisexual when he was trying to lure me in.  I asked about gay porn and he proudly said that he was watching transgender porn.  
Imagine thinking your partner not having sex with you for eons, thinking there was an ED problem.  Then find out they were pleasuring themselves all along with watching transgender porn, dressing in lace and panties and using humongous toys on themselves and having the best turn ons and sexual release.  
Mine began befriending trans people all over the country via the internet, went to 4 different Trans support groups, met up with local lesbians and trans for lunch-all for ideas and education on what he should be doing to be in that culture.  He was totally immersed and there was no looking back.  His outlook of morality changed, was no longer monogamous. I felt it was cult like.  If I asked one question I was transphobic or against what he was doing. I got tired of being called a cis woman. I got tired of all of the labels etc.  “I need to make an appointment with my ‘GURL'  Dr.  And reference to his genitalia in female terminology.  For being a so called ‘woman’ the tactics were quite the same the male entitlement behaviors. Then all of a sudden it was depression that was new and wondered if that was a ploy to keep me engaged and empathetic.  I could write a book of all the craziness and drama.  
This is my story and I don’t know if this is universal behavior with the older men acting this way, dressing up and getting turned on sexually imagining they are a female.  And going as far as altering their bodies. I don't get it, it's as if there is a sudden switch of character and behavior like a 'possession'.  I've gotten upset at people that have applauded his becoming his authentic self.  No concern for me.  All I tell them is you don't know what goes on behind closed doors and don't make it a secret that I've had verbal and psychological abuse.  

Stuck1, Take Care of yourself, good luck with the divorce..it is a rocky road ahead.  Don’t be surprised if he tries to love bomb you.  Best to go No Contact.  Doesn’t it seem like they have a play book with instructions of tactics to use, to say. .  Sorry that you are going through this trauma.  

Last edited by Norah (October 19, 2023 11:11 pm)

Hi nydoll, can't help myself, have to say this - what you want matters!

do you really love him so much you want to stick around for the hormones, the tantrums, the theft of your nicest underwear, the putdowns, the competing to be the alpha female, the bit where he informs you that you are having a lesbian relationship with him?  

Is he thinking about what you want?  or is he just thinking about how to get you to go along with what he wants.

 

I am in a similar situation. My husband came out to me as Trams a week ago. We have been married for 3 years and together for 6. We just had our son 6 weeks ago. I am also autistic which has made this super hard to process. He is exploring and doesn’t know where he will end up. I don’t see myself being attracted to him as he continues to explore.  I am terrified what this means for me and my son. We are choosing to stay married for now in hopes we can find a way to make this work. You are not alone! Your feelings and your wants are all valid! Sending love and hugs!