Tomorrow will be three weeks that I finally found the evidence on his phone that he had a whole other group of friends and was actively seeking sex with multiple other people including men and women. Last month I found proof he had been doing hard drugs. Through the last several years I had asked him about both which he fully denied and desperately kept trying to hide. When I pulled out the proof he was still trying to get out of it. In the end, I told him he had to choose between us (our family of a son and granddaughter) or his other group of friends. He took his phone and walked out the door. At that time I knew it was over. I’m going to spare you all the gory details, because our lives have been a mess the last several years, but I was trying so hard to make it work. 

Last week he finally coughed up some details and he has been swinging at parties, that involved both men, women and drugs for a few years. Then he admitted to messing around on me for the last 30 years. He has always been traveling and working weird, long hours our whole lives, or so I thought. At first I felt like a fool and then embarrassed. My heart had been stabbed with all the deceit and lies. I’ve gone through a huge range of emotions and feel like I’m on a roller coaster. 

The day after he moved out I started digging around on websites and found him on a male gay website which has a map, that pinged his phone, showing where he was and his whole profile. Now, most of the things in the profile weren’t a surprise to me as we were very open minded together in the bedroom, but to see it online on an active google type map was shocking. I logged in as an anonymous profile, our home got pinged and I started getting hit up within minutes to meet someone from all over town for sex. There were multiple people in our neighborhood on the map as well. I was appalled that our home was tagged. I found him in a housing area on the other side of town…. active profile and all. I felt sick to my stomach. I came to the full realization that he had another life I suspected, but knew nothing about. 

I refused to let him back in the house and he moved from friend to friend and even sleeping in his truck and in his office for the last several weeks. He rented a duplex, got the keys 5 days ago, and has moved about 80% of his stuff there. Tonight he was telling me his “friend” has moved in and is living with him. His friend used to stop by our house to visit while my husband worked in the garage. They used to work together. His friend is gay. My husband won’t admit it out loud to me, but he too is gay. 

I’ve asked him to not be strung out on drugs when we meet to take care of things, which he agreed to. He is overly friendly to me and refuses to fight. I’ve filed divorce paperwork with a lawyer which should be available next week for us to sign, if we both agree to the terms. We had discussions about how to separate everything and it is pretty equal and the lawyer is basically writing down what we have agreed to. It is going so fast that it feels like a whirlwind. 

Tomorrow it will mark 3 weeks he has walked out the door! Just three weeks! I cry daily, I’m lost, I don’t know what I like to do anymore, I’m starting over. I’m jealous that I’ve just started the whole process and he is years ahead of me. I was working hard to save our marriage while he was out doing heavy drugs and having sex.  He has so easily just left and moved on. My friends are already tired of listening to me. I haven’t shared my husband being gay with them and I’m unsure when I will. 

This week I read the book Gay Husbands / Straight Wives and it is us and our life. I’m amazed so many have gone through the same thing. I no longer feel quite as alone. I’m encouraged after finding this website in the book. 

This weekend I’m getting tested for a whole battery of STDs, which is scary but needed. I have a referral for a therapist and will be making appointments for help in talking through this. I’m writing again, have found a new gym and have headed back to church. Lastly, I’m posting this to this website which is huge for me. I’m generally pretty independent, keep personal issues to myself, and can power through things. But this has brought me to my knees. 

Please offer any words of advice that you feel free to share, kinds words or just encouragement. I am heartbroken and feel like I was just dumped on my face after 35 years. I will get up, I will move onto a better life and I will find myself again. It’ll just take time. 

Best regards,
Tiggerslife