Rob wrote:

LMM,    

My GX's physical rejection of me started with her lesbian affair but I must say if I look back on my decades of  marriage it was 98% of time me who initiated any physical contact.   Im not talking just sex but even hugs, kisses, basic couple contact..  Its not like she didnt hug me or anything..  but as I look back now with 20/20 hindsight I can say;
a.) I was blind to it because I loved her so much.  
b.) Its was not normal for a heterosexual woman.
c.) I can see clearly though the narcissism.

 

Oh Rob 😢

This made me cry and is EXACTLY my situation.

Hope you are doing ok

But the narcissist - I've seen that come up a bit on several posts.

Can you/anyone elaborate on how it is being used? Don't really understand? Selfish?!

Thanks for everyone's advice. It does feel extremely lonely at the moment, so it is reassuring to know that I am not the only one.

I said I know she is not in love with me, but I know she loves me. I think she loves me like a brother or father figure? Like I said before, I "saved" her from a crappy childhood (her dad died when she was 8, several instances of sexual abuse). I know that she loves me, but just not as a lover.

The abuse she had to deal with is not an excuse, but it may be a reason. And we aren't taking about one uncle, or one time.

We were talking about it, as part of this general conversation. She always felt like a "prude", which I put down to a religious upbringing and I told myself that's why she is not proactive in the bedroom.

I appreciate now, and because of some of the responses here, that I can't beat myself up for not seeing the signs, that I wasn't looking for. But the list is growing and hard not to feel a bit silly now;

Never been very affectionate or big kisser - I would get a kiss goodbye every day, but nothing else. I also realised that she never kissed me anywhere - neck, chest etc and probably only went down on me maybe 10 times in 25yrs. I always over looked that and even recall laughing at mates who put up with the same?

We were (at least I thought) very open sexually. She was always tried (vegetarian with low iron, working nights) so I would masturbate in bed and she would watch. Or I would touch myself while she is in the shower or getting dressed and she works watch. But I know know they she was watching to make me feel better.

She loves me kissing her and loves me touching her (she stressed to me that I am really good at this) but would cringe when I went to make love and it is now at the point where she says it hurts when I put it in, but is fine with my fingers - I think this is mental?

She would never reach out to touch me during the night in bed
She would never be horny, I don't recall ever saying no to get or im to

My life has been turned upside down the last few days

My wife told me a few days ago that she has come to realise, that she is not attracted to me, not any other man (has not been for quite some time) and she is attracted to women.

She loves me, I know that she does, but she is not in love with me.

We had a break about 15 years ago, because she cheated on me, and during this break, she had hooked up with a girl.

In the time since, I've often 'joked' that she was Bi - I have always known she liked girls, but just accepted it.

My wife also was sexually abused as a child (she had a terrible childhood) and we both refer to our meeting in high school as me 'saving her' from that environment.

I think I bring her comfort, security and safety, which was lacking for her childhood. Over the last couple of days, she has given me more detail about the abuses she experienced, and quite frankly, is amazing she is still here.

I've spent the last few days, disappointed in myself for not seeing all the signs;

She never initiated sex. Ever. She has told me now that she loves me kissing her and touching her, but the actual sex she finds uncomfortable and has been for a long time.

When I would ask her after, "was that nice" or "did you like they" she would only ever agree with what I said.

She has never reached out to touch me

She has never sent me a cheeky text

She has never commented on my appearance or body

She would often pretend she was tired, or worse still, that she was asleep when I would try to initiate sex.

Its so hard... She is my princess. My dream girl. My forever person. I look at old pictures, and they seem fake or staged now. My kids want and need to be with their mum, but I'm upset I have to give up time with them.

I said to her, they after the initial shock or sadness is I've, it must be exciting to think about connecting with a girl. She has effectively been living a lie all of this time. But I don't want to go and find someone or meet someone.

I do