OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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1 - firefly
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Newbie with questions
Hi all. I am new here and have so many questions.
Some of my story:
Married for 22 years. 4 children. D-day was just before Christmas (he initiated the conversation). He has only come out to just a very select few people. Of course, he was immediately surrounded with praise, support, and celebration by these friends. They set him up with leads to therapists, found him a support group, and called him daily to make sure he was ok. I know them, too. How many of them have reached out to me to see if I was ok? Exactly zero.
Our children and families do not know. Our life is complicated, and we run a business together that needs both of us in order for it to be successful.
I am devastated. Shocked. Broken. Angry. Confused. I knew that he had struggled with SSA in the past before we got married, but it was always framed as a struggle he had overcome (thanks to very conservative church BS). I was young and naïve. We were friends. Sex was awesome after we married. I felt loved and happy.
He started to become distant about 2 years ago. But COVID had hit, our business was struggling, and life was super stressful. I chalked it up to all of that. He was actually coming to terms with his sexuality and trying to figure out what to do. I had no idea and feel like I have been hit with a freight train.
He has not had an affair (I know that is not always the case, but I do believe him).
I asked him, why now? Basically a mid-life crisis, caring less what people think, societal acceptance, and not being able to stuff it anymore.
My main struggle today is that he wants us to morph our relationship into being just friends, business partners, and parents only. I know we will always be co-parents. But, I don’t know that I want to be friends and business partners anymore.
He wants me to be his cheerleader and advocate. (Don’t I want him to be happy, he asks?) He thinks that his coming out will make our family stronger. WTF?
He doesn’t feel he lied to me or betrayed me since he is not wanting to leave me for a woman. He feels his motives are right.
We have been seeing a couple’s therapist. It has not been helpful for me. At one of the first sessions, the couple’s therapist said that he should just help us divorce and stay loving friends instead.
The therapist sent us a link to an article about how other families have adjusted. It was all about how the straight wives supported their husbands after they came out and got divorced. Now their families are so happy and surrounded with so much love. Gag. I cried for 7 hours after I read that. There was no mention of the trauma and pain the straight spouses went through to get to that happy place. I realize that some families do chose that option and have success. I am happy for them. I am not sure I can go that route, however.
The couple’s therapist has also told me that since my husband never wanted to hurt me, I cannot question his motives. Also, I am not allowed to say anything that would sound like I am blaming my husband for this mess we are in. The therapist about wept with joy when I told my husband that I didn't hate him. Good grief. I honestly believe the therapist is biased. I am going to cancel the next scheduled appointments with this therapist. I am a wreck after each one and feel so unheard and dismissed.
I do have my own therapist (who has been incredibly helpful) and have a support person through OurPath (who is also wonderful!!). Other than these two amazing people, I am alone.
I am not trying to bash or bad mouth my husband at all. I do love him, and he does care about me on some level. I know he didn’t choose to be gay and that there is nothing I could have done. He genuinely loves our kids and is trying to find a way forward where no one is hurt, but, is it wrong that I:
Don’t want to be his cheerleader?
Blame him for this mess?
Don’t want to go to the couple’s therapist anymore?
Am now triggered by anything LGTBQ? (I would have considered myself an advocate before this)
Am questioning everything about our life together?
Feel lied to and betrayed?
Am deeply hurt and traumatized?
Don’t want to be pushed into this effin’ fantasy family (FFF) idea of his? (where we divorce, stay besties, run the business together, go on family vacations together, eat family dinners together, and live happily ever after)?
Have no idea what I want to do?
This is just the tip of the iceberg for my questions. So much to process.... So much grief....
Thank you for listening.
- Ellexoh_nz
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Re: Newbie with questions
Firefly....welcome 
I'm so glad you found us.
Hold tightly to your initial thoughts of all the things you've noted that you don't want to do, or want your life to be
And first of all....go tell your family and friends who will keep your confidence.
They are your strength
Edited to say....don't let your the man you married but who now wants to change the dynamics of it drive the change that he wants
Elle
Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (March 31, 2022 4:19 pm)
KIA KAHA
- Daryl
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Re: Newbie with questions
Hi Firefly, my thoughts on your questions....
- You are not obliged to be his cheerleader.
- This is his mess. He framed his SSA struggle as 'overcome' when it wasn't. Motives are important but should not be used as automatic absolution for what happened.
- If you find a therapy or a therapist isn't helping, you have the right to choose another or end the therapy.
- Being triggered by anything LGTBQ is understandable, considering the turmoil you find yourself in. That will subside given time and distance.
- It's also normal to re-examine your past in the light of new truths discovered. Just don't blame yourself for not spotting it in advance. This is traumatic. Anyone who says otherwise has not lived it.
- You get to choose your future. You don't have to decide right away. You will likely have many more questions. It won't all sort out at once. Just work on it in small steps. Figure out each day at a time until you've charted the course you wish to take.
We all have our own path through this. What works for one person won't necessarily work for you. That's perfectly OK.
Be well, we're here.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Marianne
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Re: Newbie with questions
Hi firefly. The couple's therapist is clearly manipulating you to something you don't want and dismisses your feelings. Don't spend any more time or money on such therapy.
Instead of the bs the couple's therapist sent, you may want to read "The secret sexual basement" by dr. Omar Minwalla. It's available online. It helped me a lot to understand my feelings and to feel normal and accepted.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. But please know that all of your reactions are perfectly normal and adequate.
- firefly
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Re: Newbie with questions
Marianne, I will give that a read. There is so much I want to understand! I know I am not crazy, but it sure feels like it when everything I thought was true gets turned upside down.
Daryl, thank you. I have felt so much pressure to decide things right now so he can "be free." The trauma is real, though he does not want to believe it is.
Elle, he is driving the change that he wants, isn't he? Even today, he doesn't want us to give up on "the process" of therapy, though he is supportive of finding a different couple's therapist if I want.
It is so comforting to be heard. Thank you all. I am so glad to have found you.
Update: we just cancelled our appointment with the couple's therapist that was scheduled for Monday. Within 5 minutes, the therapist texted my husband asking why and saying we should meet with him. Wow. I have drafted a letter to the therapist giving him feedback on why we are cancelling. My husband read the draft, agrees with me, and is supportive of my sending it.
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Thread Starter- lily
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Re: Newbie with questions
Hi Firefly, yes all your reactions are entirely normal and completely valid.
Divorce is always going to be horrible no matter what the circumstance and I think that is often behind these ideas of how we can still play happy families while checking out of the marriage.
He sounds selfish and highly manipulative - "don't you want me to be happy" is a classic line! so I think you need to brace yourself and prepare to focus on what you need, not falling into line with what makes him happy.
- Daryl
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Re: Newbie with questions
If he gets his big happy rainbow family, he gets to continue in the belief that he did nothing wrong.
“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer
- Chapster23
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Re: Newbie with questions
Hi Firefly, I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through.
It may feel like it, but you are not alone.
Your story is very similar to mine; 20+yrs, 3 X kids, seemingly happy in life then boom. I only found out 2 weeks ago
The bit that really resonated with me, was the support and love the gay partner coming out receives, and in the meantime, you receive nothing, no one reaching out or asking about you or supporting you.
I was very mindful that this is her news (coming out) and I needed to let her do this in her own time. But this has caused me to be 'on hold' for a while. I've just told my parents and one of my sister's this week, which has been helpful.
But she has a large group of friends, and has been telling people everyday, getting more acceptance, understanding and support.
I don't have a large group of friends, I pretty much lived for her and my boys, and being a good husband, it turns out, made up a big part of my identity. That's now gone.
I used to go to my wife for support, but now she has turned away/outside of our relationship.
Has left me feeling very alone and like I don't matter...
What I am learning here, is you need to start thinking about you, what you want, what you want from a partner and what you want going forward. All very new concepts for me
Keep coming back and reading and posting
A quote I keep telling myself lately "if you live something, set it free"
- Rob
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Re: Newbie with questions
Firefly,
Thanks for reaching out to us. I hope the replies here give you some solace.
My gay ex (GX) and do not speak except through brief texts about the kids. One could say its a mutual hatred of each other but really for me it's simply that I fear her for the perpetual hurt and trauma she caused and can still cause.
What you are experiencing is trauma and hurt. Even if you rationalize it away in your mind and "be friends" like he says your body and mind eventually will suffer. For me I would physically shake from the trauma. My body was reactig to the sick morality of my GX having an affair.. while pretending to be my friend and loving wife. You could try going along with him but it takes a strong person and sooner or later the anxiety and stress will catch up to you.
I urge you to seek help for yourself and take care of YOU. Reach out to friends, family,therapist doctor etc. Because I can assure he is not looking out for you but only himself ...as evident by the support he wants. Who is supporting YOU? Read the first aid thread of the forum as a place to start
No contact is a method I live by to deal with the trauma and hurt. For you that could include severing all ties with him including business. Your feeling are real and not wrong. Do not jump on his bandwagon and join him in hurting you.
Wishing you strength and stoicism.
Last edited by Rob (April 1, 2022 8:14 pm)
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- firefly
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Re: Newbie with questions
Thank you all again.
Lily, this is so hard. My husband is definitely afraid of being seen as the bad guy.
Daryl, you said, "If he gets his big happy rainbow family, he gets to continue in the belief that he did nothing wrong."
OMG! THIS!!!
Chapster23, I am so sorry for your pain. I relate to you. I am the introvert who loves, loves raising our kids. I have just a few relational slots available for deep friendships and people, and those spots have mostly been taken by my husband, kids, and a couple of friends. He has a much bigger friend network. Now my husband calls me co-dependent. He would have been the one I would have gone to for support. Now I don't have that. So, yes, we do feel alone, but I am so glad that we both found this network.
Rob, thank you for your kinds words. It is new for me to take care of myself first. I trusted my husband to always do what was in the best interest of me and our kids. Having to advocate for myself is new. I had to go to my doctor because my body broke out in hives after a particularly difficult (dare I say traumatic) session with the couple's therapist. The stress was literally wrecking my body. I am feeling better and have put an end to our time with that therapist. I am just going to work with my own therapist for now and really start to think about what I need.
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