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March 22, 2022 12:35 am  #1

New to Our Path

Hi all

Great to find a supportive community

I just posted my story in the my stories thread. I'm not going to type that all again, but would appreciate any insights, advice, feedback etc



March 22, 2022 2:15 pm  #2

Re: New to Our Path

   Sorry you need to be here.  But glad you've found the place and found it to be supportive.  
   My situation is not yours, but I'm sure some of the men who've found themselves in your shoes will be along to chime in soon.
   Don't beat yourself up for not "seeing the signs."  We can't "read the signs" unless we have an idea of how to read them, and when you're married to someone who has promised to love and cherish you, that's the context in which you see things.  It's also the case that our spouses, who have known for many years about their sexualities, have gotten very good at denying it to themselves or hiding it from us.  


March 22, 2022 2:23 pm  #3

Re: New to Our Path

Welcome Chapster. I'm glad you found our Forum

I read your story and there are men here who will know your pain and who can give you their thoughts. It's often the stable base a man can financially provide that keeps a straight/gay/bi r'ship together....or at least makes it harder to leave. I have a bisexual (M) partner who has always been a rock (with an awesome work ethic) and who tipped my life upside down but because  he's a provider, and is still not 'out' he makes it easier for me to stay because he puts no demands on me. It's a pretty bland existence at the moment. my life's fairly empty what with restrictions and all. Will anything change for me? I honestly don't know but finding somebody....the right person...to talk to will be important for your peace of mind and your journey through this.

You have much to think about, to get through. It's not an easy road, or a short one, but this is the only place I know where people get me.....us


KIA KAHA                       

March 22, 2022 3:46 pm  #4

Re: New to Our Path

Hi Chapster,

So sorry that you need to be here but glad you found us, hopefully we really can help.

Not that we can help you regain your belief and happiness in your marriage but maybe we can help you navigate the territory you are now in.

ok so this is the bit you don't want to hear - you say you know she loves you but she is not in love with you.  This needs a bit of thinking over.  Sorry.  It hurts but throw a bit of reasoning into the mix - what kind of love are we talking about then.  She's not in love with you and never has been.  This is not the love of a friend either, if she were your friend she would be more concerned about what she is doing to you, your hopes and aspirations of love and family not just her own.  It sounds to me like cupboard love.  

When my cat first met a mouse it was transfiguring, like she had met the love of her life, but would you like to be the mouse?  

I recently watched a tv show called Insight - they pick a topic and discuss it, and the one they were discussing was deathbed confessions.  The moderator asks one panellist are there any confessions that come up a lot and I was surprised by her answer - incest.  The alluded to and unmentioned monster elephant in the room was the confession of being gay of course, that was obvious to all but this one of being sexually abused as a child - I did not realise it was so widespread.  Or that it would be there as something needed to be told, maybe that is simply because you can be so little when it happens.

I am chatting on about this because there must be a lot, a lot, a lot of people who were sexually abused as children and didn't feel the need to create havoc in other people's lives.

Childhood sexual abuse is something that is going to come up a lot between couples but it comes down to the person.  Is the reason you want to talk about it with your partner because you feel romantic, you want to have intimate sex with him and you are being open - or is she using it as an excuse for her bad behaviour.

As you express so well in turn - when we come here we say what we want, what we need is that true affection between lovers, emotional intimacy - and we are crushed.  

Right now you are in an unequal relationship, you desire her, she doesn't desire you - on a soul level it's crushing.  Well of course it is - the woman you love heart and soul doesn't succumb to your attractions.

So here comes the hard part - she's known she's gay all along.  You're finding it out now and that puts you behind the 8 ball -.you are learning something new that is not just changing your present, it is changing your past, and it is changing your future.  I understand that you have given her your heart and don't want another woman but the situation you are in is very real and you must cope with the havoc of deception.   The most invaluable resource you have is friends and family.  Talk to them.  Talk to them asap.  Don't let her control the narrative, and even more so, don't let her make you the keeper of her secret any more.

wishing you all the best, Lily

Last edited by lily (March 22, 2022 3:48 pm)


March 22, 2022 6:52 pm  #5

Re: New to Our Path

Hi Chapster
Firstly, let me say I’m sorry you find yourself here.  I know that’s not quite the positive welcome, and maybe in time there’ll be a more affirming one, but right now I know that this is the last place you want to be.  Because being here means that your wife is gay, and you are struggling to deal with it (as are we all).  I still get the pangs of sadness every time I log onto this forum, even though it has helped a lot.  So, I guess what I’m saying is I’m sorry to hear about what you are going through right now.
Secondly, you are not alone.  Both here on this forum, and in your own life.  Taking the latter first, of course I don’t know you and wouldn’t pretend to tell you who you can and cannot talk to, but even if family or friends are not an option, your doctor, an telephone help line, your workplace union or HR, there are options there.  I struggled so much in the first few weeks to actually tell someone what was happening.  Not just the abridged “marital trouble” excuse I gave my work to get time off, but the full blood and guts of what was happening and how I felt about it.  The angst of opening up to a friend who had always seen me as “strong” and “together” still is with me, that even though I’ve done it now, I quite often still answer “I’m ok” or “I’m doing fine” when people ask me.  Which I’m not.  Not really.  But it’s a valve speaking to someone, and even if you turn it on and off at times you feel comfortable with, opening it up in the first place is the best thing to do.  So please, trust that speaking to someone, even if in a rambling incoherent mess, will help you.  Find someone you trust, or as I say a service available wherever you live.  And back to the forum, post, read, reply, whatever.  As you’ve already acknowledged writing things out helps.  I’ve gone a bit quite on here since posting original back in Oct 2021, but I still dip back to read advice, and I’m still writing – this time a letter to my wife (that’s a whole other story for another time).
So much of what you’ve written chimes with my own experience.  High school sweethearts (in my case my only sweetheart), four kids, married for 13 years.  The childhood trauma (her dad died when she was 14, which I now only coming to realise the impact this must have had on her as I’ve been reflecting on our past).  The lack of interest in sex (which wasn’t always there to be fair) but more importantly the lack of intimacy.  Not intimacy in response to me initiating something (a cuddle, a hand hold, a kiss) but her actually being intimate towards me.  I put so much of it down to “being tired” or “being busy”.  And while of course as any parent knows this is true, it’s not the whole story in our cases.
Just know that while of course have empathy and sorrow for her past trauma, it doesn’t excuse using you as a safety net (in the way you have been).  And while of course recognise that intimacy and sex will wax and wane from time to time due to the pressures of life, it not normal to never or very rarely be on the receiving end of it. 
You haven’t missed any signs because you, like us all, were not looking for them.  Your wife never told you she was gay.  I suspect maybe she hadn’t fully admitted it herself.  But more importantly, she never told you she was unhappy in your relationship in a meaningful way.  The notion that partners should intuitively know what the other is thinking, quite frankly is bull.  Communication is key, and she has not been doing it with you.  None of us are perfect.  But try not to equate your actions to the demise of your relationship. 

I absolutely get about looking at old photos or thinking of old memories and feeling like they have been tarnished.  One thing that helped me (although it doesn’t completely take away the pain of feeling like the past has been based on a lie) is remembering that however YOU felt in that moment – the trip to the beach, the Sunday afternoon lying under the quilt, the first Christmas spend together, whatever – that feeling was valid then and is still valid now.  It was yours, not hers or anyone else.  So no matter how she may have been feeling in that moment, your happiness still was real.  And it’s still yours to cherish now.
I also completely understand regards seeing your kids.  Truthfully it’s one of the things I’m most angry about.  Because her decision has meant my moving out, meant my time with my children being limited, meant empty nights and empty mornings where I used to have kids to put to bed, to talk to, to feed breakfast to.  But remember that despite that, what matters is what is best for the kids.  Stability, understanding, and knowing that both mum and dad will always put them first.  The ins and outs of that will obviously vary, but don’t be afraid to speak up for what you think is best.  Just do it in a constructive and mature way, which hopefully your wife can reciprocate.  And yes, I struggle with this myself.  I’ve had to really reflect on is what I want really what’s best.  It’s not easy.  You have my genuine sympathy.
I’ll end by saying while I hope some of the above is practically useful, I know from experience that it will hurt and continue to hurt, and you need to make sure you take time for yourself to feel that, to process it, and to find whatever outlets for joy you can.  Take care and keep posting.

There is light but there’s a tunnel to crawl through, there is love but its misery loves you.
There’s still hope so I think we’ll be fine, in these disastrous times, disastrous times.

March 22, 2022 7:40 pm  #6

Re: New to Our Path

Hi Chapster, here's my perspective on your story. (FYI, in a relationship and then married for close to 10 years before knowing my spouse was denying lesbian desires. Separated and divorced for about the same length of time now.)

This is a fresh wound. It's normal for it to hurt and distort your perspective. Don't beat yourself up on having emotional reactions. Head spinning is a common feeling initially.

Your wife has revealed something very important. Your gender prevents her from desiring you in the way that a spouse should be desired. There are degrees of love. Platonic, romantic, etc. She may appreciate you for your efforts in bringing up your kids, and as a provider for them. She most certainly should appreciate you for your ability to forgive, considering she previously cheated. She might really wish she hadn't hurt you, but that isn't the same as love.

Sexual abuse is horrible and no one should ever have to go through that. If your spouse hasn't worked through that with a counselor, I really think she should. You cannot be that counselor for her. I'm not saying she should not talk about it with you. The problem is that it puts you in the position of not being able to say what you need to in terms of the marriage relationship. You'll almost instinctively want to avoid bringing any additional hurt in her direction.

As has been already said, you shouldn't blame yourself for not being Sherlock Holmes. You've gone through a complicated series of events and behaviours. Until you get the truth, or sometimes step back far enough to get the full picture, it doesn't resolve easily. Also remember that we generally expect people to treat us like we treat them, and this isn't the sort of thing we would do to someone we love.

Reexamining the past is normal. We fault ourselves for missing something we would never have been thinking we needed to look for. Splitting the kids time is also not what any parent wants. If not one mentioned it yet, find out about separation, divorce, custody, etc in your jurisdiction. This doesn't mean you are starting anything immediately, but it might prevent you from making a mistake that reflects badly on you somewhere down the road. Don't volunteer to move out. Don't stop participating in your kids lives.

It's normal that you don't want to meet someone else. I think this is normal at this early stage. You really need to settle many other questions about your future and come to terms with it, before possibly moving on. There's a very good chance your spouse will go the opposite way. They may be excited to explore this new life, while all you wish is that it could all go back to the way it was. It will be hard to watch her becoming engaged with another person in a way she never did with you. This is especially difficult if you are in a state of separate lives, but not separate domiciles.

You do need to talk to someone. As you can see, she isn't hesitating to do so. If she's comfortable leveling this with friends, so should you. This is your life as much as hers. Feeling pressure to keep this secret prevents you from getting the help you need. Assuming the family, especially the kids, don't know yet, this also needs to be dealt with. Hopefully you can do this together.

No one plans on their lives taking this turn, but you can get through it. Take it slow, one little piece at a time until you get your direction set. Even the advice here can be overwhelming. Do some simple things before getting too deep into longer-term plans.

Last edited by Daryl (March 22, 2022 7:44 pm)

“The future is unwritten.”
― Joe Strummer

March 24, 2022 9:57 pm  #7

Re: New to Our Path

Thanks for everyone's advice. It does feel extremely lonely at the moment, so it is reassuring to know that I am not the only one.

I said I know she is not in love with me, but I know she loves me. I think she loves me like a brother or father figure? Like I said before, I "saved" her from a crappy childhood (her dad died when she was 8, several instances of sexual abuse). I know that she loves me, but just not as a lover.

The abuse she had to deal with is not an excuse, but it may be a reason. And we aren't taking about one uncle, or one time.

We were talking about it, as part of this general conversation. She always felt like a "prude", which I put down to a religious upbringing and I told myself that's why she is not proactive in the bedroom.

I appreciate now, and because of some of the responses here, that I can't beat myself up for not seeing the signs, that I wasn't looking for. But the list is growing and hard not to feel a bit silly now;

Never been very affectionate or big kisser - I would get a kiss goodbye every day, but nothing else. I also realised that she never kissed me anywhere - neck, chest etc and probably only went down on me maybe 10 times in 25yrs. I always over looked that and even recall laughing at mates who put up with the same?

We were (at least I thought) very open sexually. She was always tried (vegetarian with low iron, working nights) so I would masturbate in bed and she would watch. Or I would touch myself while she is in the shower or getting dressed and she works watch. But I know know they she was watching to make me feel better.

She loves me kissing her and loves me touching her (she stressed to me that I am really good at this) but would cringe when I went to make love and it is now at the point where she says it hurts when I put it in, but is fine with my fingers - I think this is mental?

She would never reach out to touch me during the night in bed
She would never be horny, I don't recall ever saying no to get or im too tired, have to do to work etc
She would never even bring up sex, or day that she liked it, would just agree with whatever I said
She never sent me cheeky texts
She never wore nice lingerie
She can't recall almost any of the times we have been close - I mentioned as part of this ongoing talk "remember on our wedding night and we went three times, making love all night". She can't remember or has blocked out everything. Genuinely surprised when I mention previous times, or when we did this or that.

She even mentioned her reaction to being at a hens night recently. I would always joke before she went to something like this, "have fun watching the strippers!" and she would always say "you know I don't like that" which I thought at the time was just her way of making me feel better. But she said the last one she went to, maybe a month ago, the stripper turned up, all of the girls started squealing, but her response was "what's going on?". She was genuinely surprised that girls acted this way?
She has always told me that her celebrity crush was Channing Tatum (Magic Mike) - but she admits now that she just said that because "that's what I am meant to say"

She has admitted that she is not attracted to any men, and hasn't been for sometime. She has even caught herself touching herself and masturbating when home alone, thinking about touching girls.

But she loves the life we have together and she 'loves' me. But I think she is curious and wants to explore this.

She is conflicted because she is wondering if this is all for nothing and silly to throw away what we have. But as I said to her, it's obviously been building up for some time that it has come to this point. And I want her to be happy, even if that means but with me 

I don't know

I love my wife and I love my children, but I don't know if, even if we could go back to what it was, I would know that every time I put my hands on her, is not what she wants.

I noticed too, how much of everything I do, is to keep her happy. Do all the house work, cook dinner, settle the kids etc, so that by the time we go to bed, there might be a chance that we can be close.

Feels very strange and selfish to be more focused on myself.

But if be lying if I said I am not curious what it would feel like to be really wanted and desired by your partner. I'm a bit angry about that.

Sorry. This is too long. So many thoughts. No one to talk to. I had organised to call my sister yesterday (she is a psychologist) but thinking I want to talk to someone independent. Work is tricky too - I can barely keep it together and probably need to take to work about some time off. But as someone said earlier, is a bit but complicated that 'marital issues'

Thanks for your support

     Thread Starter

March 25, 2022 10:40 am  #8

Re: New to Our Path

Hi Chapster,

A brother or a father figure?  again this sounds like cupboard love to me.  ie she loves you for what you give her.  

she is wondering if it's worth it, ie she is concerned over her happiness not yours and fortunately you are starting to recognise you need to care about your happiness - it's sad but yes you do.  For you that is the end of the relationship, to start putting yourself first, for her it has been that way all along.

However terrible her childhood, it didn't change her nature.  

My ex had a whole narrative going from early on in our relationship where on the one hand I was being needy and high maintenance if I wanted affection and on the other hand the lack of intimacy was my fault, because of my childhood with a difficult father.  Looking back I think how could I have bought that - on the one hand he is saying I am needy for approaching him and on the other he is accusing me of not initiating because of childhood abuse.  

No, the lack of intimacy affection and sex was because he is gay.  And he knew it.

where was the bit where he cared about me?



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