I haven't been on here for a while due to my very busy single mom of 5 kids life! It's a lot. But I wanted to update with some progress, to give some hope to those who are closer to disclosure and separation. One year ago STBX moved out. That was 3 months after he told me he's really gay (after a year of maybe he's Bi, maybe he's traumatized by abuse, etc and all that confusing garbage). Last April it felt like all the sunshine flooded into our lives when he moved out! But I wondered if I can raise kids alone when I have significant neurological and heart disabilities from Long Covid Syndrome for the past 2 1/2 years, and two of the teenagers also have Long Covid. 

I had never worked because my ex told me in early marriage that he had "a word from God" that my Master's in Counseling was an idol to me. Our church urged me to raise a big family instead, to glorify God instead of glorifying myself with a career. It was all abusive garbage from him, keeping me home, often without a car, electricity or heat! He has trouble with jobs and squandered our money. We never had enough food, so I always rationed it. I went through 5 pregnancies and breastfeeding years starving all the time. The whole setup made me think it would be even worse when he moved out. I was like a broken down bike with flat tires, a broken chain and only one handlebar, trying to ride through life but moving one inch was too hard. 

Here's what I did. I got on food stamps and free heat right away from the state offices. I got a part-time job as a receptionist. I got state funding for my 6-yr-old to be in a wonderful after-school childcare program so he has more support. I let my older kids have sleepovers (the ex never allowed them) and go to school dances and other social stuff that was outlawed in our old church system. I found a local program for single parents that helps pay for things like our car needing $2,000 in unexpected repairs or my kid wanting a pass to the ice rink! The social worker th

Page Turner,
I’ve had EMDR but it was during my abusive marriage and about a traumatic near death experience. It was very peaceful and wonderful. I had to picture being in a beautiful meadow and then take the memory out of a box, then go into it with the eye movement. I was surprised at the things that came out of my mouth as I processed it. I recommend it!

As for the kids, mine are 6, 9, 13, 14, 16. We told them a few months ago when we decided to divorce. My husband told them he’s gay and that his conversion therapy teachings led him to marry a woman for God to make him straight. We watched the Netflix documentary Pray Away that week because those people were his counselors. It shows the gay people realizing they’re still gay and talking about the damage they did.

Anyway, yours are too young for that and my youngest didn’t want to watch it. My younger ones took it much easier than the teenagers! I think young ones are less attached to life as it is. Yours are at an age where you can say, “People get divorced for lots of reasons. For us, it’s because mom actually loves girls and not boys. She was confused when she married me.” My youngest asks stuff like, “Did you know dad likes boys? Did he like boys the whole time? Will he change and like girls?” I just shrug and give little answers and he’s fine. They don’t want tons of details - the teens do and that’s harder!

Yes, I cannot sit through these types of TV portrayals either. They sink into my mind and torment me. It’s appalling that the double standard is fed to us! Like they’re setting up my kids’ generation to be treated this way if they’re targeted by a person like our spouses.

I love the American Office. I used to laugh at the Angela storyline with the gay husband. Obviously, can’t watch those episodes again!! I love Angels and Jenna’s podcast about the show and was dreading that part. So I actually wrote them to say this is a real, life-altering thing that many of us suffer through. I asked them to be very sensitive in those episodes. I think they would anyway, but it felt good to advocate for us. I’ll listen to the first one in that storyline and see if it’s OK.

Just a note here to say you were SO right. I’ve been using all my energy to get through the first 4 months being a full time single mom of 5, but kept noticing things as this horrible drama plays out. Things like my ex is doing all the wonderful Dad things he never once did while living here. And the kids eat it up, starved for his attention until now. He takes them out, brings dinner over, listens to them, emotionally connects - and then mentions to me sometimes how great this is that he can do that and go home to not have to deal with their constant annoying kid stuff and tantrums anymore for 90% of the time. It’s good for them, hard for me to watch.

I noticed that he actually was never molested as he’s always claimed! Sometimes he’s very raw and open, so I asked about that. He described the 2 times and it was actually boys fooling around, not anything forced or abusive. I know you’ve mentioned this!! I listened without commenting but the script is changed in my eyes!

For the first few weeks we were going on walks to talk about how we were dealing with the separation, sometimes grocery shopping together or texting about things. Then once he said we were both abusive to each other. It turned into an argument because I got really angry at that. He was yelling that I abused him as much as he did me! I was quiet but so angry. I kept pushing him for examples, which he said no one could think of on the spot. I rattled off a dozen of his abuses of me very quickly! He kept saying vague things about me being unreasonable.

Finally he said the abuse was that most days of our 17 year marriage, I showed an expression of terror and disgust at him, like I was afraid of him. It hurt him so deeply that he can never recover. It made him feel like a bad person. Can you believe that?!?! Since then I stopped doing extra things with him. I see him when he comes for weekly dinner, usually go out to shop and run errands then. This was completely crazy, him having to also

I'm healing and moving on, feeling more settled and able to relax now that it's been 5 weeks since he moved out. But I'm struck by how different this situation is than most on here. A lot of the discussions and advice here are based on a different paradigm, a totally opposite motivation behind the whole mess. There must be others like us who are coming from decades of Evangelical Christian life. We left that 2 years ago, and feel aimless about what might be true about the world. I wanted to share this side because it's played out VERY different for my family than what I usually see here. 

First, being closeted for those like my ex is not as much about people finding out than about God knowing your real "sinfulness". Yes, there's the shame of people finding out - but it's much smaller than the existential high stakes of your thoughts and soul. When you see constant proof and hear countless stories of God punishing gay people, there's no question to you that this is how it all works. People tell about God showing a vision of hunting down gay people to make their cars break down right as a truck comes behind in the highway, so the gay person is killed for their evil desires. 

So in my marriage, unbeknownst to me, my ex would feel the God fire coming close because of feeling an attraction to a man while he's at a store or restaurant. He knew the punishment might be called off if he did enough to repent, right then, no time to lose! So he would close himself away to spend the rest of the day reading his Bible, with worship music playing. He would journal and pray for hours, admitting to God what a wretched sinner he is and that he needs to be changed by the only One who changes people's hearts. To me, it was very bewildering and hurtful because we'd have plans or I needed him to help with the kids or whatever - but when I tiptoed in and asked or reminded, all his primal fear about possibly being struck dead by a heart attack or stroke any moment would come out at me.