Ryan, just popping in here after a long absence to say you were so right about my ex. So incredibly spot on! I’m mostly referring to my interview with you, but also the things you said in your podcast interviews in the public one and on this forum.

I wanted to find more good in him and see that moving out gave him the space and emotional capacity to become trustworthy. No, instead he’s falling apart. Our entire adult lives (since college/grad school) I’ve been there to prop him up and get him through stuff. And to make people see him as good and functional, and smooth over his relational problems. Without me, he only has his own skills. He lost his job and was sued (dishonesty, bad management skills) but they dropped the lawsuit when he left.

He plays the victim of me to our kids. It’s crazy! I started dating someone very unexpectedly 6 months ago, and he uses that to play the sad role so they feel bad for him. Really, it’s his perfect excuse to avoid the kids! He never wanted them or got close to them, so of course he’s now moving far away and saying he won’t see them even on holidays - but he tells them it’s because I’m with someone who makes me happy and he’s too sad to see me happy. What?!? Makes no sense. Everything he says to them makes it look like I’m bad for dating or bad for being happy, and he’s forced to be down in the pit of despair forever because of my new, better life. He wants their pity. He wants them to feel soft and tender for his bad plight. On the other hand, the day he moved out (13 months ago!) I started living from a deep strength I never knew I had inside me. I’m confident, clear minded, no longer always feeling guilty and flawed. It’s like you said to me, he’s radioactive and only 20% of what he says is true. He’s a professional grade deceiver! I couldn’t see it so clearly before.

I wrote a general update on here the other day. Then listened to your latest podcast and wanted to thank you for guiding

Anon2222,
I’m right there with you! I was deeply in Purity Culture as a very strict Christian kid/teen. I never dated. I kissed it goodbye! Lol

I’m now starting to date, as my stbx drags the divorce out. I never had attraction or romance or dating - I had a bad arranged marriage and then basically the worst, meanest roommate ever. I can’t believe how wonderful it is to go on a date and feel like a real grown up person who has hope for a real relationship! I’ve followed Dr Henry Cloud’s dating research a lot, to counteract the old religious programming.

A month ago I met a guy who’s very kind and fun to talk to. I’ve seen him a few times now, and started wondering if this is really going to turn into something serious. If 23-yr-old me had felt the attraction and seen how he treats me, I never would have complied with the empty marriage! This is healing my heart, though, as I get romance and compliments and all that good stuff. I highly recommend dating to help your heart heal as long as you enjoy it and aren’t triggered by past abuse by it.

My ex came out to me in January, and April was our engagement anniversary. I was dreading it. That day I took my rings to the place he proposed, my favorite place to sit and read back then. I was going to bury them and have a funeral. But there’s a swamp there…so in the heat of the emotional moment I threw them into the swamp and yelled whatever came pouring out. VERY cathartic!!!

Mine weren’t expensive, just the cheapest Zales mall ring. He was a poor college student then and didn’t like me or want to marry me! If they were worth more I might try to sell.

I live in Vermont and was part of a very controlling, dysfunctional church since age 15, now I’m 42 and left it two years ago. This spring people heard that my ex moved out and that he’s gay. I tried slowly to reach out to people who have been close friends for many years. Some were peers, some older people I always looked up to and used to get help during hard times. All ignored me. I kept trying another person after waiting a few days or more for the last one to reply.

Today the formerly closest friend walked into a store when I was standing right there at the register. She looked right at me. No way to ignore me! I smiled really big and felt so excited as I waved - I kept hoping lately that if she saw me somewhere we’d reconnect. Maybe she’d realize I’m still the nice person she’s known for a decade. Nope. She smiled and quickly ran to the back of the store. I went over to see if she was nearby as I left, because in old days we always waited to talk in that situation. She was gone.

At a parade on the 4th, we stood with my family and lots of old church friends. Everyone except my sisters ignored me and my ex. It’s like we’re lepers. They acted really nervous and jittery. One sister is divorced for 2 years now, and got TONS of wonderful support from these same people for the year of hardship after her ex left for another woman. They still love her, so why am I being shunned? She has no kids, but here I am now raising 5 kids alone full time. I’ve told people that, and how hard it is.

I’m so hurt. So bewildered. I led so many prayer teams and all the care services at that church for 16 years. I helped these same people through very hard times. But I’ve heard they feel betrayed by me and my ex, they see us as wolves in sheeps clothing who invaded their community. Even though I’ve told them in my ignored messages that I had no idea he was gay and I’m so hurt that he tricked me. They don’t see me as a victim. It’s more than I can take

Sean, I appreciate your reply. I agree with all the cautions and reasons behind them - my own therapy and my adult children of alcoholics support group are the reasons I'm able to detach from my ex and really take care of myself now! I've got really caring women helping me through the day to day stuff. I've got a sponsor who tells me bluntly and lovingly if I'm playing the old games! It's been so freeing to have good boundaries. Lately I sing along to the radio with my kids in the car all the time, and I never once did that their whole lives. The other day I said, "Hey, let's make popcorn and watch a family movie!' even when they'd used their screen time - the old, rigid, religious me never did that because it would show my kids that rules can change. Mostly, we can have fun because my ex isn't here being depressed and upset, and when he comes for dinner on the weekend he's so relaxed and grounded. 

I think the point I was making was that this is a totally different scenario than the double life, cheating, trying to have both sides type of partner. Yes, there was major deception because he believed his conversion therapists and pastors that marrying a nice girl and not telling her the truth was his ticket to being saved. So much abuse toward me grew out of that awful lie. But I still believe he didn't cheat or hide online accounts and all that. He was a mess if he saw a good looking guy because it showed he wasn't fixed yet. It sent him to repenting and depression. He still doesn't think he'd ever have any relationships in the future, though I hope he heals enough for that.

When you believe God is monitoring your thoughts and finding terrible sins in the most normal ones, then you'll never step out of line in behavior. Because your abnormal, bad thoughts are going to be punished unless you get right with God by prayer and serving Him! Unfortunately, that same system fails to have consequences for mean, unkind, even abusive behavior. You're not seen as dirty befor